The room warmed up as I tried to wake her, and the smell of smoke filled the bedroom. The voices in my head were humming. People screaming came from very far away.
“Fire!”
“Mum. Please wake up.” I lifted her shoulders. “Mum. Listen to me. It’s safe now. I killed him. We have to leave. We need to get out of here right now.” The fear was starting to blind me.
People’s screams got louder and more frequent. The music stopped.
“Fire! Fire!”
“Ahhhhh!”
“Muummmmm!” She wouldn’t wake. He’d probably drugged her like he’d done me. I searched her neck and found the same bumps I’d found on mine. She had so many more than me, and she’d covered them with her hair. “No. Mommy! I won’t leave you!” I hugged her tight. “Please. I’m begging you, Mommy. Please try to wake up.” I sobbed, feeling defeated.
Killian, 10 years old
Theceilingfellthroughon the other side of her bed. “I’m not leaving you, Mommy! I’m not.” I crawled closer to the edge of the bed and dragged her with me. There was no way I could carry her. She was too heavy.
I opened the door to ask for help, but people were too hysterical. “Help me! Someone help me!” I wasn’t the only one asking for help. Across the hall was an open door, with a girl screaming. Between the fire, smoke, and everyone screaming and running, no one even noticed me. I ran back in, pulled her down from the bed and across the room by her shoulders, but with all the smoke, it was hard to breathe. Once she was on the floor, I stayed low to take a few breaths, then lifted her. I tangled my arms with hers and carried half her body on my back a few steps forward until she fell to the side and I collapsed. I gaspedfor air, then gathered all my strength. “Somebody help me!”
He filled the open doorway.You’re supposed to be dead!“Killian!” It was the man who’d just been in my uncle’s office and my bedroom. Francoise.I t
How did he escape my bedroom?I froze, and when he walked into the room, I screamed while pushing against Mum. “Ahhhhhh!”
“Killian, come on. We need to go,” he said, picking me up by my shoulders.
“No. That’s my mum. Help her. Help her!” I kicked and writhed, trying to escape him.
“Stop fighting me! You’re coming with me!” As he hauled me out of the bedroom, through the halls, and down the stairs to the front of the house, I fought him but failed to get away.
The whole way, I hollered for her while imagining her burning in the fire that I had started.
Outside, through tears and fat drops of rain, I watched people running to their cars and driving away. It was all a confusing commotion with everyone panicking, hysterical. The sirens of fire trucks approaching in the distance filled the night. The third floor fell through. At first, I felt nothing, then it all hit me. She was gone.
I’d left her there to burn. “Muuuuummmmm!” I wailed, and was about to run back into the house when he wrapped his palm around my neck, lifted me from the ground, popped his trunk open, and stuffed me in there. Once I was inside, his grip only tightened. I kicked and tried to yank his arm away, then scratched at it until I got super tired and fell asleep.
They say time heals, but time can also be a cruel mother fecking bitch. They say life is always worth living, but they obviously don’t know the hell my life is.
Layersofsweat,ash,and dirt covered me. I wanted to scratch my skin off. My hands and ankles remained tied, though the knots loosened with time. The room was so small and narrow that when I lay down, I couldn’t fully extend my legs. Standing was the only way I could stretch them, but after so much time naked in such a cold place, I got sick. I had no idea where I was because there was no light. It didn’t matter if I closed or opened my eyes. There was nothing to see. All I had was the concrete beneath my body and two buckets. There was a flap at the bottom of the door, but no light outside of it. Two dog bowlswould be pushed or retrieved—one with water, the other with food. I threw the food into one of the buckets every time.
The lack of stimulation gave me way too much time to think. The more time passed, the more I forgot how hard I fought to save her, until I didn’t remember trying at all. In the end, the fact was, I had not tried hard enough. There was no escaping that she was gone.
Not enough…
Not enough…
Not enough…
You killed her.
I left her there to burn all alone.You worthless piece of shit.
I should have tried so hard I broke at least several of my bones, if not all. I should have fought him enough to escape so I could have stayed inside with her.
Why? Why didn’t I? God! Why the feck didn’t I? Feeeeeccccckkk!
Why did I drink so much whiskey?I left her. Mommy, I’m so fecking sorry…I should’ve died with her. It was the only right outcome. Never did I think I’d be such a worthless wimp. “Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!” I screamed, kicking at the wall, hurting my legs.
He had me bound with ropes, but they weren’t as cruel of a captor as the guilt crawling through me, piercing my heart and soul with its long talons. The only thing that eased the pain was holding my breath while screaming for her. “Muuuuuummmmm!” Wherever it was he’d thrown me, must have had a tall ceiling because my screeches always echoed. I screamed until my lungs begged me for air, my vocal cords threatened to give out, fluorescent shapes floated in the air behind my tightly closed eye lids, and the headache slammed into me. Then after, I’d devolve into an inconsolable sob.
