I was trapped, so fecking trapped.Angel…
Without saying another word, he opened the door and got out. The car took off immediately after.I can’t do this. I can’t do this.As the car drove, I bent forward, holding my head in my hands.There has to be a way to protect her from him.Goddammit, Killian, think.But I couldn’t, because I was so confused and in the midst of panicking. Thentheytalked, and the idea became clear.
Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
As the voices repeated the idea, I tightened my fist around the handles of my backpack.
Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock.
I was staring out the front window of the car as it slid on the tar straight to school. When it parked and unlocked, I opened the door and vomited. The chauffeur walked around the vehicle and handed me his handkerchief. I cleaned my face, then lifted my eyes to him. I wanted to know if he’d heard, seen, or noticed what’d happened. How aware was he of what was going on? Then I wondered, how aware was everyone in that house?It had never mattered to me before, but it did at that moment. His gaze was the first to falter. His sigh somehow assured me he knewenough. They probably all did. They just didn’t care enough to do anything to help us. After I dried my face, I pushed the dirty handkerchief into his hand, ’cause fuck him and the asshole he slipped out of.
Truth was… we’d never had anyone’s help. And I was tired of it all. When I’d been younger and poor in Ireland, I’d made the wrong wish upon a star for wealth but I had not known being rich would mean being so empty, so alone. I’d give it back, all back to feel safe and loved with my family.
By the time I walked across the street to the school, almost all the students were there. When I finally saw her sitting in my spot in front of the gargoyles, waiting for me, the sensation slingshot back to me.
I wasn’t the same person I’d been the day before. There was no way I could ever find a way to make myself worthy of her. I needed to let her go somehow, to protect her by getting away from her. It’s what I should have done from the start, pushed her away.
It stabbed my heart, robbed my breath. I wanted to die so badly. The only thing fueling me to keep walking to her was her beauty and a rage I wasn’t sure I’d be able to control.
I had a scowl on my face, one I wasn’t aware of until her gaze met mine and her expression changed. There was fear and wonder there. I was determined to tell her our friendship was over. The wedding meant nothing, just child’s play. If I pushed her away, he’d hear of it and leave her alone. Right? I could read her like a book. She wanted to know why I was so angry. I tightened my grip even more on my backpack, but she jumped off the banister, surprising me. Her smile melted my anger within seconds, and it was as if she’d melted all my armor. Only one thought solidified. I couldn’t lose her. The thought of not spelling the spring in her hair, not seeing her gorgeous face... Everything that had just happened didn’t matter. Except it didbecause I couldn’t lose her. The images from the night before started coming to me. Him over my naked body. The stabbing pain. The world swirled. I’d find a way to not let them take her. I had to find a way but I couldn’t lose her.
“Hi K—”
I didn’t let her finish the greeting. I hugged her, and on her shoulders, I placed my cheek while wailing. God knew I tried but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Killian? Killian, what's wrong?”
“Nothing,” I managed to say, but I couldn’t stop crying.I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.
“You’re not going to lose me, Killian. Please. Tell me what’s wrong. For the love of Christ, tell me.”
“I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you. I’m so sorry. I should have stayed away from you. But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t. And now… everything is so fucked up.”
The day was confusing. My uncle’s words replayed in my head all day.
“You will tell your mother nothing and do exactly as I say.”
“I know about your little wife. That little girl we visited last week.”
Between the pain, weakness, and the weird, disgusting images clearing up and flashing in my mind, I couldn’t keep up with anything. I’d catch myself reemerging from another place while still sitting in class, having heard absolutely nothing Madame Dubois had lectured. I had to guess what I needed to do to keep the front that everything was okay while the pain I’d endured during the night continued throbbing and stabbing through parts of my body. Every section felt so frail, on the cusp of breaking away. Most of what was going through my mind, I couldn’t distinguish between a nightmare, a hallucination, or reality.
As Madame Dubois read the assignment, my hand slowly searched my neck, finding a cluster of small bumps on the side. I tried to count them but couldn’t be sure so I asked for permission to go to the bathroom, and in front of the mirror, I counted ten tiny scabs. They were clearly following a vein or artery there. So, he’d injected me at least ten times? With what?
The bell rang when I was on my way back to class. I couldn’t walk as fast as usual. Magdalena caught me in the hall. She was handing me my bag. “Jesus, Killian… you look so sick. Let’s go to the nurse—”
“No. I’m okay.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled to take me to the nurse. “Killian, for Christ sakes, you look like death—”
Between the pulling and her insistence, I felt as if I were about to drown. “No! No, Magdalena!” I accidentally yelled the words. A lot of people stopped walking and stared at us open-mouthed, but none of that mattered to me. What broke my heart was the fear in her eyes.
“K-Killian…” Her eyebrows and eyes relaxed, filling with concern for me. It was as if she knew she wasn’t just speakingto me face-to-face, she was calling me across the battlefield that was my mind.
I lowered my head and stared at the floor. I’d promised I would never hurt her, and here I was, scaring her. “I’m so sorry…”
“No. Killian…” She cupped my cheek, and a warmth spread, giving me immense comfort. “It’s okay. I know you’re not feeling well. Come, let’s at least go relax on the grass under some sunlight. Okay? And if you’re not feeling better after, we’ll talk about what to do.” This time she offered me her open palm for me to take, willingly. I scratched at my arm so ashamed for having yelled at her. I’d failed her. Despite the long time I was taking to respond, she kept waiting for me to take her hand.
I met her eyes and nodded, then we walked hand in hand, very slowly. From the corner of my eye I noticed she kept looking at me but I continued staring at the tips of my sneakers. There was no question I’d slowed our pace. I was glad she wasn’t saying much, because I wasn’t sure I could even keep up.
