They rolled me through halls that had finally become familiar. How ironic that it was too late to use that information to escape or help anyone. Minutes later, they pushed me into a shower. With my forehead and palms flat against the tiny pink tiles on the wall, I attempted to stay standing for them to do whatever it was that they were going to do, but as soon as the high-pressured icy water whipped my skin, my legs gave out. I folded into myself, running away from it. It was so strong it hit my muscles, sure to leave scars.
“Stand up!” one of the men commanded, but I couldn’t. The other one sucked his teeth, then stepped in, hauling me up by my arms. I tried to pull away, to hide from the stinging spray, but I had no strength to fight. My protests were ignored. Then his big hands rubbed a strong soap that dissolved every drop of moisture my body could produce.
By the time I was dried and placed on a new hospital bed, the only thing keeping me awake was my constant violent quivering. Not only had the cold water taken all my heat, but the room seemed to be the temperature of a morgue. Perhaps that’s what it was; I must have missed the cabinets of dead bodies somewhere.
I lay on my right side, trying to fold my body so some heat would accumulate. Without a word, my hands were pulled together and tied to the metal railing on the side of the bed. More and more people talking to each other walked into the room, preparing for a procedure I wasn’t aware of. No one talked to me, not even as they lifted long shreds of fabric with velcro and tightened them over my across my body. It was surprisinglyheavy. I guessed it was meant to keep me in place. They did the same on my hip, then tugged my legs to fully extend them.
“She’s too dehydrated,” one of them complained after his third attempt to insert an IV into me. Another took over, only accomplishing to poke my muscle until the pain reverberated through my entire arm. It woke me into a panic. What were they doing to me? I couldn’t let them do this.
“It hurts. Stop! No! Leave me alone!” I kept screaming and pushing their hands away.
“Stop fighting us, slave. You’ll ruin everything we set up.” Gloved hands forced me down into the mattress.
“Did I really hear some screeching?” a new male voice asked as he walked in. “Why have you not sedated her yet? I don’t have all day.” Every word in the question increased in volume.
“We can’t find her veins, Dr. Avery?—”
“Where’s the ultrasound machine? You have five minutes to sedate her, or I’m moving on.” I heard his steps, and his insulting murmurs got farther and farther, then the door swung open and he was gone.
While some shoved my upper body into the mattress, even my face, others rushed. I saw them moving like chickens without heads. They yanked at my arm, the same one that hurt from their previous attempts. Soon after they stabbed an IV into me, I found myself unable to move at all. My chest started collapsing; it hurt as if my lungs were too heavy for me to breathe into. This was it. Despite my immobility, I felt a tear slide over the bridge of my nose and down to the other side. A thumb pushed my eyelids closed, and to keep them that way, they taped them down the middle. It was worse than any hell I could have imagined—lying on that bed, fully awake, unable to move anything. It’s as if they’d buried me alive. The world was heavier on me.
I don’t want this. I don’t want to die. Please! Someone help me! Someone please save me. Please. Someone! Dadddyyy!Please save me, Daddy! Heeelllllp!I screamed in my mind again and again, feeling trapped, clautophobic. Never could I have possibly guessed how important it would be for me to be able to physically express my fear and distress. Even during my panic, the tube kept breathing for me at a consistent slow pace, as if I wasn’t about to lose my mind.
To calm myself, I dared to do something I’d avoided the whole time I’d been at the center, I basked in happy memories from my childhood. Now that I was stuck in this horror, it seemed like a fairy tale. Dad adored me, and Mom was always in awe of me. It was clear now how much they’d loved me, how much they’d tried to give me a good life, but somehow, I’d messed it all up. I remembered how Dad would play with dolls with me and read book after book after book.The Ugly Ducklinghad been my favorite for so long.
I love you, angel,he’d coo after tucking me into my cute bed.
Mom would put on some music and dance with me, silly moves that would make me giggle ’til I collapsed.
“Alright, are we ready? Is she at least immobile?” The doctor interrupted my vivid memory and panic took over again. The tube was so dry against the inside of my trachea. Everything was so wrong, uncomfortable, and painful.No. Remember your wedding day?I asked myself. My heart calmed a little. I remembered the white magnolias, my dress, and how the sunlight made the diamond ring glimmer so strongly it almost blinded me.
I love you, Daddy. I love you Mommy.She’d kiss my hand.
I love you, baby. Have some nice dreams.
A thick cold liquid was spread on the curve of my waist and hip. It seemed to take too long. My desperation for it to be over intensified. The burning pain cut not just through my skin but through any formation of solid thought. I felt everything, every inch of skin torn apart by the sharp edge of the knife. The painburned. My blood streamed down my belly and back as the knife slid across. The slicing, stabbing agony reached deeper. I couldn’t take it.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” All I had in my thoughts were constant screams and sobbings, but the room continued being completely silent except for the beeping.
A towel dried the fat sweat beads on my forehead and the tears running on my face as fingers dug inside the cavity they’d cut, and cradled what I felt was my kidney.
The beeping quickened even more as a new hollowness filled with blood. The earth swirled under me, my heart exploding. The heart monitor’s beeping quickened and got louder.
“Will someone silence that thing?” The doctor’s question brimmed with annoyance. And then the beeping stopped. They’d silenced the last layer I’d had to communicate the pain I was enduring. The world was becoming heavier and heavier, and I could feel what was left of myself slipping away, dissolving into the air.
“We need her to calm down. That’s your one job, Joe.” The doctor’s deep grumpy voice was muffled.
All I want is to go home. I need to go home. Please. I need…
“Beeeeeep—”
Killian’s smiling face was so close to mine. His eyes were taking in every detail of me as if he couldn’t get enough of it. I liked it when he looked at me like that because I couldn’t get enough of him either. He was like a mystical creature, every minute I would discover a whole new beautiful detail of his. I was counting his freckles while sitting on the bench with him.
An acute hot pain ripped through me. My heart hammered too fast, hurting my chest.
“Okay, we have it,” the doctor announced.
A movement in the background caught my attention. It was Daddy! Pure excitement filled every particle that made me. I’dmissed him so, so much. “Daddyyy!” I yelled for him with joy, but then as I ran to hug him, he disappeared, and all the oxygen was snatched out of my body, and I was no longer with them in that yard.
