No, not okay. I didn’t trust anyone.
I watched the drug course through the clear tubing down to the inside of my elbow and tried to move my arm, to try to find a way to avoid it from coming into me. My breathing was loud and ragged. Suddenly, he took my hand and lowered his face right over mine. “Look at me.” The drug burned through my veins, spreading, and a whimpering cry erupted from me. His palm cupped my cheek as my vision of him blurred.Don’t go. Please, don’t go.
My heart throbbed violently when Sir walked into the room on the third day with another man.
I’d been wailing and begging for him to free me.
“We need to remove the catheter,” he explained to Sir without looking at my face. Then Sir undid the belt restraining my legs and opened them, and within a second, the catheter popped out of me.
My cheeks burned at the realization that Sir watched the whole procedure from the foot of the bed and saw my pussy. I snapped my legs closed, but they left me uncoveredwhile they discussed me as if I weren’t there.
“I’ll come around to check that she’s okay, of course, but she’s definitely fully recovered.”
As Sir rolled me out of the room on the same bed, relief filled me. I’d never have to deal with that despicable doctor touching me again. I tried to memorize the halls and where we were headed, but we traveled through so many hallways and opened and closed so many doors that I lost all direction. This place was like some post-apocalyptic-prison-rat maze. The walls and floorswere all polished gray concrete, and the doors were thick metal as if each room were a walk-in freezer.
I was still hanging on to the last drop of hope that I was hallucinating or dreaming. He used his fingerprint on a small box on the wall next to a door. I guessed we’d arrived at my room. My thoughts jumbled but were interrupted by him. “Little One.” I turned toward him. It felt good to hear his voice calling me. “I’m going to untie you. Do. Not. Try anything.”His bugged eyes and tense jaw drilled into my mind that he’d kill me if I fought him.
As he freed me, I shifted to my side, needing relief from the pain in my back and the bedsores. He lifted me off the hospital bed, and it shocked me how weak my legs had become. They buckled, but he kept me from falling, then helped me walk into the cold, dark room.The only light bulb was naked, hanging from the high ceiling and providing very dim lighting. There were corners too deep in the darkness for me to see clearly.
“This is your room,” he explained, guiding me to sit on the bed up against a wall. The way his voice traveled, I could tell the room was tiny, almost like a closet. As Sir shut the door, my new reality sank in. I was locked in darkness with a man who referred to himself as my trainer, a man who’d allowed others to rape me before. I took a deep breath. Different versions of me had something to say.He’d helped me. Remember that.
Safe, I’m safe.
Just do as he says.
Please don’t rape me.
23. Scream, Little One
My breath hitched. There was no longer anywhere or any way I could escape my reality. This was really happening. The realization hit me like full speed train.
I was trapped more than I’d ever been.
I burst into tears. How had I fucked up so badly? What had I done to deserve this? How could anyone deserve this? I’d tried so hard. God, I swear I tried to be good. I tried so fucking hard.Where are you, God? Hmm? Why—why don’t you love me? Why? Why can’t you love me?
Thoughts raced through my mind and tangled until Sir’s warm hand took mine as he towered over me, my knees touching his shins. “Little One.”The voice was deep, raspy, and husky. I didn’t have the brain space to hate what it did to me. A chill ran to me, making me tremble.
For a second, I wished he was the voice of God. I wished he would just comfort me, tell me everything would be fine.
“Huh?” I looked up to him. In that lighting, there wasn’t much I could see of his face. There was a glint to his eyes. The curls at the end of his hair haloed his face. “Oh, sorry. Yes, Sir?”
“Have you not heard a word I’ve said?”
It was as if I’d just woken. How long had he been there? Was this our first time in this room? No. I knew this room. I was so confused.
“No. I’m so sorry. I’m just… I don’t do well in the dark. There’s a lot on my mind. I apologize… Sir.” The words tumbled out of my mouth. My nervousness and fear were so blatant and pathetic.
“The only thing that should be on your mind is me. Your life depends on it. Nothing else matters, Little One. The only way you’ll survive is through my training, pleasing me, no matter how painful or disgusting it gets. Do you understand me?” His voice held power, as if he were a coach yelling at me before a game. This place was too quiet. I could hear the rhythm of our breaths. Mine was trembling, his was calm. His fingers swept up my jaw into my hair, raking it. I didn’t understand why that made my eyes flutter, why I had to lean my head into his big hand. It made a warmth I needed rise inside me.
“Yes. I understand, Sir. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I’m so confused. Please don’t be angry with me. I’m sorry. I’ve never—” I lost my thoughts, lost time. I couldn’t tell how many minutes had past.
“You’ve never what?” His silence brought me back again.
“I’ve never done this, and I-I don’t even know if my family is alive.” A whimper almost escaped, but I swallowed it.God, I missed them. Were they alive? Where did Daddy go? Did they have him?I regretted not visiting them more often, then hated myself for involving them in this at all. If I’d stayed in London, Mael’s twin would have taken only me, not them.Maybe not.
“In this place, you have to earn everything. Nothing is handed to you. Nothing will be made easy for you.Focus!”
Again, there was that demanding and dominating impatient tone. But he must have known how hard it was to focus onanything or do anything immediately when I’d been lying in a bed for who knew how many days.
