I nodded. “Okay. That’s fair. I’ll remember, Mom.”
“I just want the best for you, Magdalena. You deserve nothing less.”
Did I? I swallowed deep and scoffed.
“I mean it. You do.”For some time, we cleaned the dishes silently, just like we used to when I was a little girl. “What about all those trips to Ireland?”
And there it was. Fuck. I’d hoped she wouldn’t have noticed and if she had, I hoped she wouldn’t say anything. I shrugged. “Just exploring.”
“But why not explore other countries? Amsterdam is just a short ride away from London, you know?” I stared at her, waiting for the lecture. She turned to me, unwilling to be intimidated by the tension I was holding in my eyes. “You were searching for him.” She confirmed while staring into my eyes. “Do you think that’s safe?”
Every cell in my body told me not to say anything, but she knew the truth. “He would never hurt me, Mom.” She sighed, allowing her shoulders to drop then turned back to the sink, and handed me a rinsed plate. I placed it in the dishwasher.
“Do you realize how much more you deserve? Look at you. Beautiful, super intelligent, from Cambridge, two years of experience in your high-end career. And he? A fucking fugitive?—”
“You don’t know that, Mom.”
The staring was intense. We were like two female lionesses about to fight. How long had she been holding her tongue about all this? Probably since day one. “Have you not suffered enough? You almost killed yourself. Then you spent a year in a psychiatricfacility, a horrible year without us. We hardly saw you for four years. How much are you going to let him take from you?—”
“Everything!” I didn’t mean to yell and regretted it so badly. “Imagine someone telling you that you deserved more than Dad,” I stated, and was surprised when her eyes filled with tears.
“When I was your age, I didn’t have a mother that cared. This is my job, Magdalena. I’ll be damned before I allow you to lose yourself to that boy again. There are more important things in life than falling in love with a psychotic boy.”
“Oh yeah? Like what, Mom. Because I’ve done everything in your list. I’ve finished school, I’ve started a career like you said. And I still feel just as horrible as I did the day I tried to kill myself. It’s all I fucking think of doing, either that or finding him. I need him.”
She dried her hands. “No. You fucking don’t,” she said the words through her teeth and then soften her composure. “I want a different life for you. I want you to really fucking live, not just be obsessed to some boy that will lock you up and get you pregnant. Write a book, travel the whole entire world, learn five other languages, I don’t know, run a fucking farm in the middle of Africa that’s only run by women. Have pet elephants. Live a few years in different places. I don’t care if you fuck around but live your mother fucking life!” Why did I feel like this wasn’t about me?
“You don’t understand. We’ve never really spoken about it.” I paused and she waited for me to speak. “I failed him, Mom. He was my best friend, he was struggling. I knew he was and I did nothing about it.” The tears clogged my throat and nose. Mom shook her head with tears filling her eyes. “I’m not looking for him just so I can settle down and have children. That’s not even an option?—”
“Bullshit. You are a healthy beautiful perfect woman?—
“Mom! I’m looking for myonlybest friend. I need to apologize to him.”
“He’s your only best friend because you never let anyone in, Magdalena!” We paused then both turned to the sink again.
After a while Mom whispered, “You didn’t fail him. You were just a kid. His parents, teachers, and family failed him. You can even say that your dad and I failed him, but you weren’t responsible for him. We were.”
“Okay, well, it doesn’t matter because I stopped, okay? You saw that too, right? I haven’t been in Ireland for a while.”
“No, I did not see anything. You have your own paychecks to pay for everything now, so how would I know that you stopped? You never really talk to us, so how would I know?” She paused. “Your success, your happiness, it’s everything. It’s more important to me than your father, and you know that’s saying a lot. I do not want you to let him take all of you because he doesn’t deserve it?—”
“You don’t know that. Everyone just made the assumption that he was to blame, but obviously everything in Monaco was not out in the clear, right?” I paused again, almost glaring at her. “Or do you not remember what happened to me the last time I dared to give another boy a chance?”
She sucked her teeth, sighed, and shook her head. “You have my luck with men.”
“What are you talking about? Dad would set off a nuclear bomb if he even suspected for a minute that it would make you happy.”
For a few minutes, we focused on cleaning the last of the dishes. “I’m… I’m sorry, Mom. But you should know that I did stop and… Idowant more. I want whatever it is that you and Dad have. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I just want you to be happy, Magdalena, that’s all. This boy. Maybe he’s innocent, but it’s been decades. You’re not even thesame person. They say everyone has three amazing loves in their lives. You’ve only had one, and it was so early. Maybe what you remember about it wasn’t even real.”
“I know.” By then, we were already drying our hands. Mom opened her arms and embraced me.
“I just need to know that you’re going to be fine. It’s all I worry about.”
“I’ll be fine, Mom. I promise.”
In the living room, Ember was opening yet another romance book. She’d just finished some dark mafia romance book,Slaughtered Firefly by F. King Hayes.I didn’t even know those existed and now she was starting what I thought was hilarious, some wolf shifter story,Goddess’ Grace by Margareta Strööm. Mom was worried about me, but I wondered if she knew the smut Ember was reading. Ashton was watching some silly alien comedy but I could hardly keep my eyes open. “I’m a little tired. I think I’m gonna go to bed.”
