“Disappear,” he’d said.
Thanks to Dad, I had; here we were, in the middle of nowhere. But how long could I stay hidden? I still wanted to go to Cambridge and make something respectable of myself. How could I go there and stay undetectable?
What about Killian? Did I still want to search for him? The minute the thought of him came to my mind, a piercing, high-pitched sound struck my ears, and the headache knocked me like a punch. A sharpness struck my eardrums, so I covered my ears with my hands, trying to push away the pain. My head throbbed so badly I became nauseous. I gasped, gagged, and coughed, losing strength, and fell to the floor as I saw and felt Mael and Gabin inside me, wrecking me to pieces again.
“Let me go. Let me go!” I screeched as loud as I could, but they laughed at my pleas, then hissed and groaned while slamming into both my holes, breaking me. I couldn’t breathe. The light from the phone blinded me and worsened my headache. I wanted to throw up so badly.
“Magdalena… Magdalena…” It was like waking from a nightmare. Mom held my wrists. I must have scratched my temples and cheeks because they burned. I couldn’t believe I’d hallucinated it all so vividly. It felt so real.
It had happened all over again.
Looking around me, it was as if I’d popped back into the living room from that dreadful park within a second.
How was that possible? They’d been there with me, just seconds ago. It had been as real as the sun. The shame, the agony, and the fear crashed into me like a violent wave, drowning me and stealing my breath. Gagging sounds tumbled out of me until I could speak again. “No! No. No.” I pulled mywrists from her hold and yanked my hair, wanting my brain to protect me from those terrible stupid emotions.
“Magdalena, no. Stop. Stop hurting yourself.” My body was disgusting, just like that night, covered in sweat and shaking along with my breath, and my face wet from pathetic tears. I couldn’t look at her, so I turned my head away. There was no way to tell how long it had lasted because, again, time ran different after being raped. All I knew was I was so tired—so, so tired I didn’t even want to breathe anymore. My lungs were too heavy and big to fill with air.
“I’m fine, Mom, please…”
“Please what?”
“Please don’t look at me like that. Like I’m some decrepit victim for you to pity.”
“Oh, baby. You think I pity you?”
A stupid sob escaped me. “Please leave, Mom. Please.”
“No. Look at me.” She’d never give up, so I turned my attention to her, even as the tears overflowed.
“I am in awe of you, Magdalena.”
“Don’t lie to me, Mom, not about this.” The fierce anger my words had carried quickly evaporated. “I killed them.” I cried as she held me in her arms. “Why do I have to be so different from everyone else?” I couldn’t admit to her I’d enjoyed every single stab and every drop of blood that rained on me. It was a little difficult for me to accept the fact that I, like my rapists, was a monster too.
“Magdalena, stop! You took justice into your own hands, angel. Into those hands, that used to be so tiny. I wish I could be that brave. You risked everything to clean this planet of that scum. I wish we could all have just a drop of your courage, baby. You’re amazing exactly how you are. Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise. You did what you had to do to survive and that’s all that matters. Do you hear me? No matterwhat happens next, don’t you dare forget that. You did what you had to do to survive.”
“I can’t stand feeling like this, Mommy, I can’t.” My head fell to her chest, and she held and rocked me as if I were her innocent baby again.
I wasn’t. “Mom, you’re holding a monster.”
“Shhh… It will go away. I promise. It will slowly go away. And the nightmares and even the memories, they, too, will go away. And one day, you’re going to look at your life, and those bastards will mean absolutely nothing.”
“I want to drink bleach so that my insides can be clean. I’m so dirty, Mommy. Make them go away. Please,” I cried.
“Shhh… You are not dirty,mi amor. They’re already gone, and they’re never coming back.” Mom’s tears dampened my hair. She tried swallowing her sobs, to be strong for me, even as I wailed on her shoulders until I became numb again.
Thank God.
There, sitting on the carpet full of flowers, with Mom rocking me as she raked her nails through my hair, the exhaustion from my hallucination episode overwhelmed me. Dad was in the doorway, watching everything that had just happened, but I never looked at him. I couldn’t, not while I was feeling.
16. The Hunger
MAGDALENA
SEPTEMBER
“Magdalena.” It was my father’s unforgettable, deep voice waking me. I partially opened my heavy eyelids. It was dawn, and he was sitting by my feet on the bed.
He sighed, warning me that the next words would be heavy. “Do you want to go to Cambridge? To start your university studies?”
