MAGDALENA
Isat on the front seat of the car. Mael’s body was in the back but I couldn’t look at it anymore. “Daddy, I’m… so cold. S-so so c-cold,” I spoke into the phone, feeling dizzy and oh-so weak after dragging Mael all the way from the middle of the forest to his vehicle.
“Fuck! I’m almost there, sweetie. Almost there. Everything is going to be okay. You hear me? I’m driving into the parking lot.”
Even though Daddy kept telling me he was almost at the park, I didn’t feel like I could hold on. My dress was stuck to my skin with sweat and blood, but I was freezing, and because of that, I was shivering, worsening the slash to my belly. I felt weak and wasn’t sure how much blood I’d lost. “T-twelve f-f-fi-fifty.”
“Magdalena?” he whispered it so softly; I thought maybe I’d imagined it. The sound of his engine and the wheels running over the tiny rocks in the parking space woke me. Slowly, I got out of Mael’s car and didn’t bother hiding the blood that had stained my dress. His car door crashed open, and seconds later, he walked around the front of his car to me.
“Magdalena, what—” His eyes bulged at the state of my dress. “What happened?”
My eyebrows quivered as tears trailed down my cheeks. But they were crocodile tears. Right? Was I faking it all again? I had not thought of how I would explain it. I turned my gaze to Mael’s car to my left, directing him to the body in the back seat. I didn’t care if I died if I could explain this to Daddy in a way that would make it okay for him to still love me. That’s all that mattered.
“He gave me n-no choice, Daddy.” Okay. That was true. So far I’d said the truth. “I-I’m so sor-sorry, so sorry.” I nodded while explaining to him what I’d done, trying to search for some mercy in him to forgive me, to still love me despite the monster I was. Wait, I hadn’t explained anything. All I’d done was apologize. “I h-had to kill him. He didn’t give me a choice.” Even though I was exhausted from the rest of the night, the terror of losing Daddy pumped adrenaline through me. “Please don’t hate me. Please. I tried. I tried so hard, Daddy. I tried…” The words spilled out of me. “I told him to stop. I did. I said it. I swear Daddy. I did.”
He took a few steps closer to me, and even though I knew this was the man who’d protected and loved me all my life, my first instinct was to back away with my palms up, blocking him from coming closer. Were all men like Mael deep inside? Was my Daddy, the only person on this earth who had seemed to understand even the darkest parts of my soul, like this?
“Angel?” My hesitation wrinkled his facial features as if I’d stabbed him. “It’s Daddy… Okay? I would kill myself before hurting you, baby. Do you hear me?” he whispered. “I love you and nothing will ever change that.” After those words, Daddy hurried to me and took me in his arms. The sobbing was endless.
The pain... it wouldn’t go away. When would it go away? How many hours had it been?It’s over. You can stop hurting now. They’re all dead. They’re all dead.
No. They are not.Some other part of myself countered, and I screamed like never before in my life, until my throatthreatened to give out. Daddy held me, his palm sweeping my back, grounding me. This was the man who’d read my favorite books to me, who’d play house and with my dolls all afternoon with me. He knew I’d killed someone, and he was still promising to love me.
I was safe. I was loved. It was over.
Time had been working weird all night long, even though I’d hugged Daddy goodbye just that morning, a thousand years had passed. His arms, so big, muscular, and strong warmed me, like a campfire on a frigid night. I was finally safe. No one else could hurt me. I was safe.
“I’m so sorry, Daddy. I’ve never been this sorry in my entire life.” The moment I had stabbed Gabin and bathed my hand in the warm blood that fell from his balls kept popping in my mind. That feeling of being a fraud slung into my mind again. Would he really be okay with me enjoying that so much? Would he still love me?
“Shh… It’s okay. Listen, you’re my little girl. And I promise you that no matter what happened, Daddy’s going to take care of it, you hear? Everything is going to be fine. I love you. Mommy loves you. There’s nothing you can do to change that, absolutely nothing.” he whispered between kisses to my forehead.
“Y-you promise, D-Daddy? You p-promise you’ll a-always l-love me?” Truth was, it was too late. I didn’t believe him. A little voice told me he was lying;hewas faking it.
He nodded. “Always, angel, always. I swear on my life.” My body quaked even more violently with my sobs. An abyss had spread in my heart. He couldn’t convince me. How could anyone love me like this? “Shh… This little light of mine… I’m gonna let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine,” he sung as tears spilled from his eyes.
Slowly, he stepped back while holding me. “Don’t look at it, baby.”
I nodded. “Okay, Daddy.”
“Are you okay? Is that his blood on your dress?”
“M-most of it.”
“I want you to get in the back seat of my car and lie down. Do you understand?”
“W-what are you going to do?”
“You let Daddy worry about that, okay?”
Another nod. He helped me walk to his car where I lay in the back seat just as he’d told me to.
“Are you sure you’re, okay?”
“I can wait, Daddy.” As soon as I said the words, I dozed off and didn’t notice the time passing nor when he drove to the lake, nor when we got home.
15. Time Runs Differently After You’re Raped
MAGDALENA
