TEN YEARS OLD
It had been two weeks since I’d seen Killian. He disappeared, and I couldn’t help but feel he’d taken something of mine with him, leaving me hollow. It was a sensation I remember always fighting before him. At the same time, guilt was choking my heart like tar. I should have told someone Killian wasn’t feeling okay. I should have told an adult. Why didn’t I ask someone for help?
He has to come in today, right?
As I walked toward the stairs leading to the school’s entrance, I couldn’t find him. I sighed. Maybe he was a little late.Iam, after all, earlier than usual.Our principal unlocked the front doors, and people walked in. Once at the top step, I scanned the front yard for him, but there was no one else there.Come on, Killian…I took a deep breath, wanting the pressure in my chest to lessen.
After rushing through the school halls, I was the first to enter the classroom and sit in my chair. One by one, Antoine, Gabriella, Bessie, Beatrice, Chloe, and Mael walked in. The room filled with conversations, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure ifanyone had spoken to me, as I was stuck in a trance, staring at the door.
Come on, Killian.While fisting my hands and willing for him to appear, I stared at the door.
“Hey, Maggie.” A male voice spoke into my ear from behind, startling me because it wasn’t Killian’s. After jumping like some little frantic bird, I turned around. It was Mael. “Missing your gypsy boy?” The grimace on his face froze with a glare after the last word.
“What are you doing? That’s not your seat, Mael.”
“Yes, it is. I talked to Madame Dubois. She gave me permission to sit here.”
“Huh? That’s Killian’s chair. Stop playing.” I turned my attention back to the door, but he chuckled.
“You’re still hoping he’ll return?”
I glared at him, hiding the pain Killian’s absence was causing me. I’d barely been hanging on. “Your Killian is nothing but a criminal, a fucking psychopath—”It was the word psychopath that did it to me.
“Mael, stop!” Bessie yelled. Mael yanked the ring from my neck, and the necklace scraped my skin before finally breaking. Although the pain drew a wince from me, I hardly reacted otherwise, feeling numb.
The class stared at me in silence.
It wasn’t rare for Bessie to be yelling at Mael for his behavior. He liked bullying other students, and she always threatened to tell his mother. After looking to Bessie for clarification on Mael’s behavior, and getting nothing but silence, I stood, and Mael mirrored me, blocking the path between the seats despite his cousin holding his shoulder. “Killian is neither of those things. He’s just quiet, that’s all. H-he’s really sweet, really nice, smart, and?—”
“He burned down his home, killed his parents, and ran away like the psycho we always knew he was. We tried to warn you. But you never listen, Maggie. When we told you he was violent and he beat me up you still didn’t listen. And now, now you are known as the girl who faked a wedding with a psycho.” As he laughed at me, I scanned around. Is that what they’d been doing? Whispering about me? Feeling sorry for me? Even though Mael had been the one yelling, everyone was still staring at me, as if they wondered how it’d taken me so long to know.
I’d always known there was a dark side to Killian. He always talked about how beautiful death was, how it would free us from the constant suffering that life was. But I loved that about him. It reminded me of Dad.
Did Killian really do these things?Is this what Mom and Dad have been hiding from me?I bit my bottom lip, but Mael’s cackling grabbed my attention again, so I slapped him across the face, making him turn to the side a little and then hold his cheek, leaving a red handprint on his pale skin, right over Killian had left a permanent bruise.
Hearing the closing of the classroom door was like a siren’s call to let it loose, to release the darkness and rage that had been mounting on my shoulders and clogging my throat.
It was okay to hurt people.
None of them were worth any kindness. “No one really likes you, Mael! You’re so mean, so ugly, so useless, empty, so stupid. We all know you’re only passing the classes because your dad pays the administrators. You’re so fucking annoying with your insecurities. What exactly is the matter with you? How did your mommy hurt you, Mael? Did she never pay attention to you? Did she forget to breast feed you? Did your dad prefer someone else to you and her? Is that what it is? Or is it that your dick is so fucking small that you’re trying to distract everyone else from it’s horrific size? For years I felt so sorry for you, just like everyoneelse but this time you’ve crossed a line. Stay the fuck away from me and never speak Killian’s name again!”
As I screamed at him, I backed him into a corner of the room. He was still holding his cheek, shocked by my behavior. His eyes bulged out and shed tears, but I had not hurt him enough. I wanted him to feel as miserable as I was. He deserved it. Finally, I yanked the necklace and ring from his grasp.
“What is this racket?” Madame Dubois’s voice was the last thing I heard. Something inside me became unhinged at realizing I wouldn’t see Killian that day. The more I let out, the more the anger and pain grew. Like some dragon, I screamed in Mael’s direction. He cringed away from me. When his back reached the shelves on the wall, some books fell on top of him. I kept releasing deep roars, wanting to empty myself of the anger I had packed through the years.
Everything became blurry, and I was still screaming but no longer forming words. The tears wetted my hot cheeks, cooling them. With all the screeching, I lost the ability to breathe. I needed to hurt something, so I started punching Mael’s face and chest. And when he managed to take a hold of my fists, I kicked at him.
Killian didn’t do that.He didn’t burn his home. He didn’t kill his parents. He’d never do that, not my Killian.
The curtains were drawn so the sunlight couldn’t bleed into my bedroom and pierce my already swollen eyes. Exhausted, I lay on my bed, hugging my teddy bear, even though Teddy couldn’thelp me in any way. I could hardly recount what had happened in the classroom.
It was as if I was taking half breaths, only filling one of my lungs while the other begged for air. I was terrified, and while being kept in the shadow of ignorance, the possibilities became torturous and endless. What if something had happened to him? I refused to believe what Mael said that day. It couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t be. Killian loved his mom. He wouldn’t kill his parents. He wouldn’t burn down his own home. Then the memory popped into my mind.
“I would burn all of this down for you.”
No!
His behavior in the last few weeks had been so weird though. He wouldn’t leave without telling me, but then, where was he? Another tear trailed down my temple into my hair. I squeezed Teddy as hard as I could, hoping for some magical comfort, but only Killian possessed that gift. Maybe he left because he knew he couldn’t depend on me to help him. I failed him. I should have told someone that something bad was happening to Killian.
