“It’s almost morning.” Every clock had paused until now. Those fuckers tick extra fast as soon as he whispers, “What if I can’t do it?”
I pull him closer, his back to my chest right where it belongs. “What if you can’t do what, mate?”
“Take care of everything Alice left to me.”
Those pets of hers are lucky. I can’t think of anyone better than Dair to take care of them. It’s what he does. “You’ll smash it.”
He rolls over to face me. Streetlights find gaps around his curtains to show me his worry. “But what if I don’t, and I still can’t find a way to pay that bill?”
I never thought I’d have a reason to thank Flynn. If I ever see him again, I’m gonna have to. Him fucking me over is the reason I can say this and mean it. “Then you reach out.” The one time I did that is why I have so many more people in my corner. “Like when you came to find me, yeah? You did it once. You can do it again.”
The streetlights show me his lingering doubt. They also show me my wallet and phone on the bedside table. I reach over him to grab one of those items.
The sticker I retrieve is a decade old, the printing on it as clear as the day I earned it. “Someone very smart gave this to me. I could never read what it said.”
Dair can. I see him mouthing Elmo’s words, and I’ll have to be a very brave boy soon. For what’s left of tonight, I’ll be strong for both of us. “Keep it and remember this is how I’ll always see you. You’re one brave fucker, Dair Sinclair.”
He sniffs. Wipes his eyes. Feels all his feelings right in front of me, like I need more proof that I’ve given that sticker to someone who deserves it. Then he yawns and snuggles closer. The shadows can’t hide that he feels better. I see it in sleepy, shining eyes I’ll never forget. And I hear it in his promise. “I’ll do it.”
“Do what?”
“Go home and look at everything through your eyes.” He isn’t the first person to tell me I have good ones. He’s the only one whose explanation rocks me. “Because all I had were problems. You keep seeing solutions. I’ll try tae do the same.” He yawns so hard his jaw clicks. “Just one thing could make going home even better.”
He doesn’t say what. Dair yawns again. Drifts a little. I think he’s asleep until he lets slip what his one better thing would be. He sounds so hopeful. “You wouldnae get lost if you came to see me by train.”
Wouldnae get lost.
I already miss his accent.
Dair opens sleepy eyes. “All you’d have to do is stay aboard until the very end of the line.”
We’ve almost reached the end of ours. Perhaps that fact combined with tiredness is why he mentions the wrong person.
“Charles would give me a lift to the station to meet you.”
I don’t point out that Charles lives in the opposite direction from the Isle of Harris. Cornwall isn’t in the far north of thisnation. It’s only a few hours away to the south of where we are now. And I don’t mention that Dair’s Scottish home is so far away I can’t see how to swing reconnecting with him regularly, let alone how I’d find the cash to make it happen as often as I’d want to see him.
Every fucking day, if that was an option.
Or at least often enough to figure out if we have a future.
I can’t help thinking we could if my life was different, but I also know what it’s like to get mixed up. Did it myself when I mistook Flynn for someone who wanted the best outcome for both of us. Unlike that dickhead, I do want the best outcome for Dair, so I keep my mouth shut about him mentioning Charles. Instead, I say, “Go to sleep.”
“No.” He fights it. “I can sleep on the train.” He stares at me as if it’s his last chance until his eyes drift closed. Dair does sleep then. I feel it happen—he finally relaxes with my arms wrapped fern-tight around him.
I don’t waste a single second snoozing.
I can’t.
Dair just told me I’m a problem solver.
All I need is one more solution for us.
15
Find a solution?I get on that struggle bus right away, even before Dair leaves for Scotland. That’s how it feels the next morning to see him get smaller and smaller in the van’s wing mirror, his keys in hand for a final time. A real fucking struggle.
I know we said goodbye. Or at least he did. And thanks, when it should have been me thanking him, but here I am with a one-way bus ticket and no answer to a Dair-shaped problem.
