-Shane Carraway
-when Shane Carraway spends the night
-when Shane Carraway talks to me and sits next to me
Dislikes:
-the creamed corn at school
-high school (so far)
-Vanilla Ice
-vanilla anything
-when Shane Carraway talks to me and sits next to me then ignores me the next day.
November 18, 1992
BIG STUFF HAPPENED WHEN SHANE CAME OVER TO DINNER ON FRIDAY NIGHT!!!
Dad ordered from Pizza Hut, and we were all around the dinner table, laughing and joking. Shane sat next to Ev, but he was across from me, so I was able to look at him.
I just want to say that it’s weird sometimes because it sometimes feels like instead of one older brother, I have two. And one is nicer than the other. Ev will be a total asshole to me and tell me to get lost, but Shane will defend me. He’ll say it’s okay, I can stay when they’re playing Nintendo or something.
So, if Shane is really like another older brother then what I think of him is really, really wrong!
And you know what else is weird, is to see gay guys on TV. Like in movies and shows. I don’t feel like I am the way that they are. Are they supposed to be my role models? Everything’s so stereotyped. I’m not really interested in fashion. I’m not interested in clubs or dancing. I don’t really want to get my ear pierced.
So, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed tobein teeny tiny Port Leyden? Here and now. Not later, when I’m older. Butright now.
The only thing I have in common with those guys is that I want to kiss boys. And when I do, I’dhave to kiss them in the dark so no one else will see.
Scratch that. I want to kiss Shane Carraway. I want to kiss him in the dark and in the daylight. I want to kiss him on my bed and everywhere!
Is it really gay just because he happens to be a boy too? Well, duh, I guess it would be!
I wonder before I fall asleep most nights what it would be like. Sometimes I practice on the back of my hand. I pretend my knuckles are his lips, although I think his lips would be softer. I get under the covers before I fall asleep and do it. I’m afraid someone will open the door and catch me. I’d be mortified if it were Shane.
I wish I knew why Shane never asks Ev over to his house. Or I wish I knew the real reason, at least. I asked Ev once and Ev said it was none of my business. Then he said if I really wanted to know, I should just ask Shane myself. But I can’t ask him that. He might also say it’s none of my business and be annoyed with me. I heard a rumor that there’s something wrong with Shane’s grandparents. I heard that they leave the house a mess. I heard my mom on the phone once telling someone the county went to their house and told them they had to clean it up or it would be condemned.
Would Shane and his grandparents be homeless???!!!
I want to know all these things about him, like that, and stuff like what his bedroom looks like. Is it messy too? I wonder what postershe has hanging on his walls. I wonder what the color of his comforter is. How many pillows does he sleep with?
And where are his mom and dad? Somebody in school said his dad’s in prison b/c he was in the Mafia. I doubt that’s true.
I guess I could ask, even though it seems like a dumb thing to ask someone for no reason.
BUT BACK TO FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!
Shane stayed the night after we had pizza. He inevitably went with Ev downstairs to the rec room and played Nintendo. I ended up on the couch upstairs with Mom and Dad, watching a dumb movie. They seemed to enjoy having me sitting there between them, ruffling my hair, treating me like a little kid. It made me mad. I told them to stop. I wanted to go downstairs to hang out with Ev and Shane, but I also wanted to see if they would invite me rather than me inviting myself like always.
I sat on the couch long after Mom and Dad went to bed. I watched some shows and reheated some more pizza. Neither Shane or Ev came to look for me. It hurt my feelings. I started thinking that I am the annoying little brother after all. I’m not Shane’s friend. I’m not anything to him. It hurt.
Sometime around midnight, I heard someone come up from downstairs. I thought maybe it was Ev, going into the kitchen for some more soda, but it was Shane!
“What’s up, Ethan?” he said to me. He got some cans of Pepsi from the fridge.
