She was writing a note to Tabby Phelps and gave it to me to draw a skater dude on it. I don’t know why, because I can’t draw. But she wrote to Tabby about how she didn’t have a prom date yet, and I think she wanted me to see it.
I might as well ask her. Shane will go with Gina, and I’ll go with Jenna. What else can we do? Put on tuxes and go with each other? I wish. What a world that would be.
May 6, 1994
My parents made a big deal out of it, like Ev and I thought they would.
Mom and Dad took a million pictures of Ev with Emily. It’s because it’s his last prom ever, and since I’ll go to more, they said they didn’ttake as many pictures of me and Jenna. I didn’t really care, but Jenna seemed disappointed.
Jenna wore a purple dress. She told me in algebra, so I bought a corsage to match. I couldn’t find one with a purple flower, so I got white. Or my mom got white. My mom had to help me pick it out b/c I just wasn’t sure what to do or what to buy. I kept wondering what Shane was going to wear, what he’d look like, and when we got to prom it took me forever to find him. He was talking to some other people, Gina on his arm. When I saw him, I felt all flustered because he looked good. I wish so much that I could have my arm in his instead of hers. It’s such bullshit.
Is it stupid to be jealous in this situation? Because I had Jenna with me. It’s not like I came alone just to spy on him. But I guess I only said yes to Jenna so I could spy on him. He said he would say no to Gina if I wanted him to. But I said it was up to him, and he chose to ask her. So, I asked Jenna. It all happened sort of weird. He obviously doesn’t want anyone to know about us—especially Ev—and I can’t blame him there, but…I don’t know. I’m not ashamed of him. Is he ashamed of me?
We all picked a table to sit at, then we waited in line to get our prom photos. I kept looking at Shane while we waited in line. He was joking around and talking to Ev, but every so often he’d glance over at me. I really wanted to talk to him, but we had to play it off since wewere around other people and with our dates. It sucked so bad.
I do feel bad that I’m not at all interested in Jenna but went with her so I could go to prom with Shane, in a very theoretical sense. And Jenna looked nice. She got her hair and her nails done. She was really gorgeous, in fact. Guys checked her out all night long, the only problem is that I wish I’d cared more. I think maybe she could tell, though. She’d look at me when somebody said she was pretty or her dress was sexy to see what I would do. One time, at the table, I put my arm around her. I kissed her on the cheek another time. It was really weird, but her face and shoulders were soft. For a minute, I thought I could like girls.
But I don’t. I love Shane. I love Shane so much it hurts.
When I took my prom pic with Jenna, I was smiling, thinking about Shane. I know we’re both going to get copies of those pictures and Jenna is going to remember it differently than me. I do feel bad for how indifferent I was, even when I tried to dance with her, but kept looking over at Shane. I know she wanted me to French kiss her, especially during the slow songs. But I couldn’t do it.
We’d been at prom for hours before I finally got a chance to be alone with Shane. I looked over at him as he was getting up from the table. As he was getting up, he said to Gina that he’d be right back, and he gave me this look. So, I waited a couple of minutes before I told JennaI’d be right back and followed Shane. He’d gone out into the dark hallway, but it took me only a minute to find him down one of the new hallways in the new part of school.
He was leaning back against a group of lockers waiting, but as soon as he saw me, he came toward me and I went toward him, then we just…collided. Our arms were around each other and our mouths were on each other’s. I kissed him so hard and so fierce and he kissed me the same way back. He pushed me up against the lockers and pressed his body up against mine in his tux and kissed me like crazy. I don’t know how it’s possible for something to feel so good and so painful at the same time. Being with Shane, touching Shane,kissingShane, it’s all so fucking wonderful, but it hurts at the same time because I have to wait for it. We can only do it in the dark.
I can’t have Shane when I want him. I can’t just show up at his grandparent’s house and give him a kiss in greeting. He can’t just come into my room first thing when he visits our house. We can’t really call each other too much because what if Ev calls him and he’s talking to me? Or what if Ev comes into my room and I’m talking to Shane? I know we could lie, but we’ve already lied a lot. We’ve already kept this hidden, so that’s why kissing him feels so good but also hurts.
He put his hands around my face while we were in the hall and told me I looked so good. He told me he couldn’t stand it almost the entirenight—me sitting so close and unable to touch me. I told him it was hard for me too and that he was sexy in his tux. He smiled. We were alone, perfectly and completely alone in that hallway, but it was like there was so much we wanted to do and say, now that we were alone, that we couldn’t pick one. At least that’s how it felt for me.
I told him that I wished I could dance with him. He said he didn’t think that I danced, and I said that I meant I wanted to slow dance with him. Wouldn’t you know, right then, a slow song came on in the gym? So, we danced to it together, out there in that dark hallway, our arms around each other.
I’m so in love with him, I know that I am, but I was too scared to tell him. I guess I’m waiting on him to say it first, but what if he never does?
17
Ethan
January 1999
Shane drives the restof the way, and I let him.
Pennsylvania is a big-ass state, so it takes forever to get through. I notice that the further south we go, there’s less snow on the ground. Once we’re out of PA, the state lines fly by. Maryland. West Virginia. Virginia. I doze off a little through some of it.
It’s probably from the chamomile tea, relaxing me. And the odd sense of calm I’ve had ever since leaving that old lady’s trailer. I don’t want to think too much about some of the things she said to me, or the weird feeling I got while I was in her home, but it’s hard not to think about what she whispered in my ear before we left.
Everybody deserves a second chance.
I look down at Ev’s urn on my lap. I’ve never been much of a believer in anything. I’m still not sure if I am or ever will be. But we’ve got my brother’s ashes back and we’re getting closer. I show Shane on the map where he’ll have to cross back intosouthern West Virginia to a place called Pipestem, where we’ll say our final goodbyes. My parents asked that I bring back some of Ev’s ashes for them to keep, so that part of him will always be with us. It’s the part of Everett that will be free that makes me anxious. But I’m calmer about it now than I was before, so that’s something, I guess.
It’s night when we get to Pipestem, and I’d rather not go looking for the meadow in the dark, so we stop at a place called Bull Falls Motel by the New River.
I’m pretty sure that without Shane here, I’d have panicked so hard I would have crashed into a snowbank. I think about doing this alone again, and it would’ve sucked. Maybe I would have lost Everett’s ashes completely by now. I couldn’t have done this alone, and I don’t know why I thought I could.
And I suppose that kind old woman was right—everyone deserves a second chance.
I wait in the car while Shane goes inside to the front desk. I look down at Ev’s urn still on my lap. “Well, we made it, buddy. Just one more night and we’ll take you there.” I pause for a moment. “I don’t know if Shane’s telling the truth or not. About what happened. I don’t know if you were lying or not when you said Shane called me a pain in the ass. It was a long time ago. Maybe you just didn’t know how to react. And I can forgive you for that, because you’re my brother. But I don’t know about him.” I look up at the night sky. It’s clear and the stars are super bright out here and twinkly. “I just don’t know. I wish time would just rewind like a video and we’d be back at your party. Start the whole thing all over again.” One star in particular twinkles in the corner of my eye, so I look over at it. It’s one of the brighter stars of Ursa Major—or the Big Dipper. The one at the very end, Alkaid, is the hottest star that can be seen without binoculars. Alkaid is Arabic for leader. It twinkles again, and I squeeze my eyes shut and open them again.
Shane opens the driver’s side door and hands me a key. “Here.”
