I could tell that what he’d just done was important to him. I didn’t want to take away from that, but after a while Shane said that he should take me home.
I almost told him that I didn’t want to go home, but I stayed quiet until we got to my house. But before I got out of the car, I kissed him again, a quick peck on the lips, and when I got out, turning around to look at him, he was smiling as he told me good night.
We have a secret together, me and Shane, that nobody else knows.
I’ll never tell anyone. And I’ll never forget tonight.
11
Ethan
January 1999
I almost feel likeI might pass out.
Or throw up.
Because I can’t believe I have done something so stupid. So incredibly stupid and neglectful. I take in a couple of deep breaths. I start trying to name animals in my head, because I can’t lose control right now.
Shane is saying something, but I’m not listening to him. I turn around in the seat to look behind me, trying to find a way out of here. We have to get off this snowy interstate. We have to go back! Then I see one of those signs in the median, a sign that saysAuthorized Vehicles Only, indicating there’s a little roadway that cuts through. I don’t even turn the signal on, I just turn down it, a little too swiftly, causing Shane to shift against the passenger door and cars to honk their horns.
“Ethan, you can’t drive down here,” he says.
“We’ve got to go back and get him!” And I’d gladly take whatever ticket a cop gave me.How could I have done this?What would my parents think if I told them I’d left my brother’s ashes at a fucking rest stop Denny’s?
My brain whirls with the disbelief and the shame. The frustration and fear swirls around and around in my head, trying to find somewhere to land. And then it finds a spot sitting right beside me.
“If you weren’t being an asshole and starting a fight with me, I wouldn’t have left him,” I snap at Shane.
“Are you serious? You wanted to take it in!”
Traffic going northbound isn’t much better, but a nice motorist lets me squeeze into the left lane.
“Everett is not anit. Help me look for the exit.”
Traffic is crawling. I run my fingers through my hair and honk the horn a couple times, even though I know it’s not going to do any good.
“Take it easy, Ethan.” Shane places a tentative hand on my shoulder, and I shake it off. “It’s not like they’re going to throw the urn away. I’m sure they have like a lost and found or something.”
I look over at him. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
Shane purses his lips. “You’ve got to calm down. We’ll get him back.”
I can’t believe this is happening. None of this. The absurdity of all of it. Of sitting here in a fucking blizzard, stuck in a car with Shane Carraway, chasing after my dead brother’s ashes. How is this my reality now? How is any of this actually fucking happening?
Traffic crawls to a stop again, brake lights everywhere. I slam a hand down on the steering wheel. “Fuck it! Fuck!” I hit the steering wheel over and over.
“Ethan, take it easy.” Shane reaches for me again, but I smack his hand away.
I look around. There’s an eighteen-wheeler in front of us. An SUV to the side and a minivan behind us. Snow is coming down and traffic is at a dead stop.
There’s only one thing to do now.
I pull up the hood on my coat. I put on my gloves. I grab the map. I open the door and hop out of the car. I turn to look at Shane’s open mouth. “Meet me there.”
“What?” he shouts. “Ethan—”
I slam the door shut and begin trudging through the snow.
