Shane had me hop across them while he took pictures on one side. Then he came across to the other side and had me do it again. He’d tell me to stand in the middle and look up, look down, look at him.
That last one was easy for me to do.
I have to say things felt different between us today. I’ve heard people say they just have an “understanding” with someone else and I never really knew what they meant. I felt like I did right then. Shane and I had an “understanding.” I can’t really explain it. The whole day just seemed different. It was probably because Everett wasn’t around, and we weren’t anywhere with other people. It was just us. It made things feel like anticipation. Like something really, really good was coming up.
Shane put the camera on another rock that was across from where I was. He spent time looking through it, turning it this way and that, and he told me to sit down on the rock and sit like I was just relaxing there and to look at the camera. He adjusted it a little bit more and turned the timer on.
Then he came over to sit next to me. At first, he was facing the opposite way, his back to the camera. Then I saw his head turn out of the corner of my eye, turning to look at me. I thought he was going to say something, so I turned to look at him.
But he was just staring at me. Staring at me in a way that made that flutter in my stomach feel like waves crashing. Looking me right in the eyes like he was seeing me--really seeing me--for the very first time. My heart felt like it was getting bigger. It hammered in my chest.
It looked like he was breathing hard. I really thought he was going to say something, and then I heard the camera click, taking the picture,but neither of us moved. I couldn’t. I thought about the stories I’ve heard of vampires that catch you in their gaze, mesmerizing you, so they can bite you. I felt like that was what was happening except I didn’t think Shane wanted to bite me.
I just couldn’t look away. And he couldn’t either.
But then he jumped up and went to get his camera. He looked at it for a minute and then said we should call it a day.
I was worried he was upset. He’d never justlookedat me like that before. I wondered if I’d just imagined it or if maybe he felt the way I did.
Then it happened.
We got over to his Bronco and he was putting the camera in the back seat. I was going to get in the passenger seat and he turned around. He shut the door and stepped toward me. I thought he was going to tell me something, but he didn’t say anything.
He just kissed me.
Kissed me.
At first, I just stood there all stupid. I didn’t know what to do. One second he was standing in front of me and the next he was up against me with his lips on mine. It happened that fast.
I don’t think the kiss with Bridget Phelps in 6th grade counts. She just kind of grabbed me, planted one on my lips, and ran off. I think someone dared her to and it was pretty lame. ButShane was like actively kissing me, moving his lips against mine.
And so I did the same thing back, and holy shit it was amazing! But then I got so worried I was going to get a boner and freak him out, that I had to stop it. I didn’t want to, though.
And Shane was like, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I told him not to be sorry. I told him I wasn’t sorry at all.
He said he should probably take me home cuz it was getting dark and stuff. So he took me back here. I promised him in the car I wouldn’t tell anyone about it, if he was worried about Everett or whatever. No way in hell will I never tell him or Mom and Dad.
I was going to kiss him again before I got out of the car, but stupid Everett was on the porch, so he came over to talk to Shane. Whatever!
So I went inside, and I wasn’t able to do anything else except lay on my bed think about Shane and kissing him again. Next time I think I’ll use my tongue.
But HOLY SHIT Shane Carraway kissed me!
Do I love him? Does he love me?
This is stupid, it was just one kiss, and I don’t know how he’ll feel about it at school on Monday. But I don’t want to forget how happy I am in this exact moment.
In this exact moment right now, I am the happiest I have ever been. I hope I never, ever forget this!
November 8, 1993
I wasn’t able to be alone with Shane again since Saturday until today. But he wasn’t weird about anything at school. I mean, he wasn’t treating me any different or worse, which was what I was worried about. But he was looking at me differently, smiling kinda shy. He told me he was going to develop those pictures this week and wanted to know if I wanted to go to the darkroom with him, and I said yes.
But today Shane put a note in my locker offering to take me home from school because Everett had to stay after for something. And of course, I said yes. I was happy we were going to finally be alone again, and of course, I was hoping we’d make out in his Bronco or something.
But after school Shane seemed all serious and like something was bothering him. It worried me because I thought he was gonna tell me that we can’t kiss again and it was a mistake. But he said he had to stop off at the pharmacy, so he drove us there and he got a bottle of pills, which I assumed was for one of his grandparents cuz he didn’t say.
Then in the parking lot he looked over at me, an expression in his eyes I’d never seen before and he said, “Can I show you something?” And I said that he could.
