The camera Shane had looked old. He said it belongs to his grandpa and that his grandpa used to be a photographer. It made me want to ask stuff about his grandparents, but also his parents too. I’ve heard stuff about them. But I don’t want to make him mad.
When we left the park, Shane was telling me he thought we got a lot of good pics. He said he was excited to develop them and see. I asked him if I could see too and he said, “Of course, Ethan! The camera really loves you!”
Like I know he wasn’t saying that he specifically loves me, but it still made me smile like crazy. I can’t wait until next time!
October 14, 1993
Shane came over to our house when Everett was out on a date with Rachel Petersen. Shane probably forgot. Shane doesn’t seem to date much, which confuses me. I can’t possibly see how anyone wouldn’t want to date him. When my parents ask him about having a “special lady” in his life, he always looks all bashful, then says he’s busy with track, his part-time job,and helping his grandparents. And now he’s got this photography project.
But Shane came over, and I was on my computer, wearing my headphones and didn’t hear him. There was a tap on my shoulder, and I turned around and there he was! I pulled my headphones off and paused the CD I was listening to.
He said what’s up and so I did I. I told him Ev was out on a date.
“Your parents told me downstairs.” He looked around my room for a second, and I realized that was the first time he was actuallyinmy room. He stood in the doorway before to wave at me, to say hi, but he’d never actually beeninsidemy room. I started to feel giddy, like this was some kind of progress.
Then he said, “I’m actually here to see you, though.”
I kinda just said something lame, likeoh really? and I saw he had a folder, and he said he had the pictures from the park. And then…he sat downon my bed.I’d DREAMED about this while getting off before—except that Shane was always naked on my bed. But still…Shane Carraway was sitting on my bed.
I could hardly talk. I said something stupid, like “cool” but really, I was watching where he was sitting so I could lay there later.
He took out the pictures and spread them all over my bed. I sat down across from him. He showed them to me, and they honestly weren’t that bad. Well, they would have been better had I not been in them.
I said something like that, just kinda joking, and Shane looked at me all serious and said, “Don’t say that. These pictures are perfect because of you.”
I can’t explain the feeling that went through me when he said that. I felt all warm inside and my stomach got all fluttery. And then I kinda got a little horny too because SHANE CARRAWAY WAS ON MY BED! I don’t really remember what he said after that even though I nodded and stuff. I think he talked about which ones he was going to maybe enter in that contest. I couldn’t really believe it and I still can’t.
After a while we got to talking about other stuff. It was weird but good that he was just hanging out in my room—ON MY BED—like it was normal. Like we were friends.
Like maybe we could be more than friends?
And then he asked me what I’d been doing, and I told him I was doing some homework.
“Homework?” He looked at me, incredulous. “It’s Friday night, man. Not the time for homework.”
I felt my face get all red. I told him that I didn’t really have anything else to do…
He told me to shut off my computer and do what I wanted. I had all weekend.
What Iwanted?!If only he knew…
I shut the monitor off to appease him. There was some awkward silence for a handful of minutes. I was happy he was there, in my room, andon my bed. But we were still so used to having Everett around. Even when we were alonein his car as he drove me to and from the park, it was still kinda awkward. But I didn’t want Everett or anyone else around right then. I wanted Shane to talk to just me. To spend time with just me. I want to know him better than my brother, understand him, be close to him.
I guess I can say this is more than a crush now.
I didn’t know what to say and time kept ticking by, so I blurted, “How’s your grandparents?”
There was a slight wince on his face, but then he said in an upbeat tone that they were good. He said his grandpa fell the other day, but Shane took him to the doctor and his grandpa was fine. He studied the geometric patterns on my comforter while he told me his grandma sleeps a lot, so he had to clear a spot in the kitchen to cook for her. He told me it wasn’t every meal. Just what he could microwave or boil in a pot.
I said he should make her some Easy Mac, and felt stupid for saying it, but Shane smiled and said he should.
There was another period of silence, Shane tracing the patterns on my bed, me trying to subtly watch where he was touching as I fiddled with the wires of my headphones so I could touch those spots when he was gone.
Then Shane looked up at me, his expression serious and sad. He said something to me that was personal for the first time, and I tried to remember all of it: “Sometimes, I worry I’m going to wake up and they’ll be dead. Or I’ll come home from school and find that my grandpafell again, and my grandma couldn’t get to him through all the piles of stuff.” He paused. “Then if something happens to them, what’ll happen to me, you know?” He paused again. “Then I feel like a selfish dick worried about myself. When they’re old and need me.”
I don’t know how old Shane’s grandparents are. They’d have to be ancient to have so much trouble. My grandparents are old, but they can move around. They garden, they go on trips to Arizona, and they’re in the church choir. And Shane looked so burdened then, like a literal weight was pushing down on his shoulders. It’s hard for me to imagine what it must be like to have to take care of the people who are supposed to be taking care of you. I’m still not 100% sure what happened to his mom and dad. One time, Ev said Shane was taken away from his mom because she tried to kill Shane when he was a baby, but I think he just said that to be an ass. And I heard from kids at school that Shane’s dad was in the mob and murdered a bunch of people, but I don’t buy that either. I don’t know if I’ll ever know. If he ever wanted to tell me, I would listen. But it’s up to him, not me.
And what if Shane’s grandparents did die, would he get kicked out of their house because he couldn’t pay for it? What would happen to him?
