The casual brush-off stings.
Before our fight, he would have asked me for help. He would have gushed about all of his ideas. I’ve been his friend in everything for years, and all of a sudden, I’ve become as useful as the dust on a windowsill.
“Shouldn’t you be taking your finals?” he asks.
“I’m on a break,” I say, sinking onto the bed.
He focuses on the computer screen.
Is he growing without me? My worst fear may be starting to come true. He’s strong, committed and sober. I’m unhealthy and struggling in my addiction. My weakness is too much for him. I’m pulling him down. I’m a weight.
And I’m losing him. Just like I lost everything else.
“Lo,” I try to keep my voice steady.
He faces me this time, concern etching his brow.
I open my mouth, a pain in my heart. “Do you want to break up with me?”
“What?” he chokes.
“It’s just…we’ve never fought for so long before, and I can’t tell what you’re thinking anymore.” My insecurities gush like a busted piñata, and I desperately wish to gather all the candy and stuff it back inside.
“Lil,” he breathes, standing. He comes to me and takes my cheeks in his hands, staring down. “Don’t ever ask me that again.” His voice is soft but still sharp.
“I wouldn’t blame you,” I say, twisting his T-shirt in my hand. “I mean, I would try to stop you, but I would understand. You’re strong and I’m...”a mess.
He brushes my fallen tears with his thumb. “I had rehab,” he reminds me. “I had lots of help, Lil. Your addiction is much different, and there’s less support there. I knew I’d be strong and you’d be struggling. It’s just the way it is. I’m prepared for this. I won’t leave. I won’t ever fucking leave.”
I’m about to go in for a hug, and he withdraws. “But that doesn’t give you the right to fall into your old habits. Okay?”
“I know. I know.” I fiddle with my fingers. “Are we still fighting? I mean, I get it if you still want to be in a fight. But I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I let you down.” That’s not completely right. I think after today, especially my conversation with Connor, I know who I’m disappointing the most. “I’m sorry I let myself down.”
His lips rise just a little. “I accept that apology.”
He lifts me into a hug, and I promise myself that I’ll try harder. Even if everything starts slipping away again, I’ll remember this moment, how long it took me to right what I had done wrong. I don’t want to start that vicious cycle again. I want to break it. I want to beat my addiction for good, no matter if outside forces pull me down.
I can do it this time.
Please, let me succeed.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
LOREN HALE
I wishI could give Lily the clear steps to her recovery, the tips in rehab, all the people sharing their stories for hours on end—everything that I had, the things I sometimes take for granted. But recovery for sex addiction is just so subjective and personal. It’ll never be the same. All I can do is try to be here for her as best I can, especially after the leak.
I trashed all of her toys, even the vibrator that Ryke found in the bathtub. She’s nervous without them, but they’re a security blanket that I’m no longer willing to let her have.
Lily groans and collapses on the bed, her hands on her belly. “I’m stuffed.”
I smile. I called in three different orders of pasta and pizza from a local Italian place and practically force fed her garlic bread. We celebrated the end of the semester. She turned her finals in this evening with only minutes to spare. She informed me what happened with Sebastian and Connor, and I’m proud of her for making the right decision.
“Too stuffed to have sex?” I ask. I lift my shirt over my head and toss it aside.
She props her body on her elbows, her eyes wide. “You-you want to have sex with me?” She asks like she’s suddenly contagious. This is not the reaction I expected. I thought she’d fling her arms around me and go in for attack, trying to touch my dick before I could.
But she remains on the bed, her legs curled up underneath her. She’s already changed into her pajama shirt—which is my shirt—and I saw her slip on a pair of panties. She usually climbs into bed without them, thinkingthat the easy entry will entice me to fuck her. I know her games.
