He needed to know: who was Philip? He had been disturbed by the strange feelings he had felt when he’d been in the area where the Battle of the Somme had raged. Might there be some connection between the two? He needed to find out before reporting back for duty. He must ask her now or he might never find out the answers to his questions. It was a thought he didn’t want to dwell on, but he had to face facts and the numbers showed the possibility of his being badly injured or even killed. The figures loomed large in his vision of the future.
‘Well, Ronnie, what’s all this about, then?’ Kate enquired.
‘I just wanted to ask you about someone you mentioned a while ago, someone by the name of Philip. He was connected to you in some way, something to do with the first war, I think.’
The expression on his mother’s face told him that she had been taken off guard. She wasn’t prepared for such a direct question.
‘Philip?’
‘Yes. It was when I told you that I was going to join up. You said his name. It was as if you couldn’t stop the memory of this person surfacing. Was Philip someone in your past? Did he die in the war? The reason I ask is that I was in hiding in France before I caught the ship home. It was right on the spot where the worst fighting of the war was, the Somme. Was Philip killed at the Battle of the Somme, Ma? Who was he and what did he mean to you?’
Kate remained silent for quite some time. Her face lost its usually vibrant colour and the expression on her face froze.
‘Ma?’ Ronnie asked. ‘Mum, are you, all right?’
Kate wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Even after all this time, the mention of Philip’s name seared like a sharp knife through her heart. The moment she had anticipated had arrived.
She took a deep breath and took his hand in hers. ‘Philip is your father, Ronnie.’ She sighed. ‘Albert brought you up and has earned the right to be called your father, but Philip Winton is your actual father. I gave birth to you before I was married, in London, in a workhouse. I didn’t get the chance to marry Philip. He died at the Somme. You were right to ask me, Ronnie. Albert and I had decided that we should tell you anyway. We were just waiting for the right time.’
‘And when would that have been?’ Ronnie asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice. ‘I might have left to join my squadron without even knowing. I might never have known. If I had been shot down and killed . . .’
‘Don’t think like that, Ronnie. We have to believe that you will survive. I have to believe it. Otherwise how could I go on? I lost Philip and I have had to come to terms with that. I was verylucky to find Albert. There are not many men who would take on another man’s child. He has been the best father to you.’
‘But you’re telling me that I’m not his flesh and blood. Rose and Annie are his only true children.’
‘He couldn’t love you more than if he had given you life himself. Please don’t let this spoil your love for each other, Ronnie. Albert deserves better. I wouldn’t have said anything if I’d thought that this would cause a breach between you.’
‘What would have happened if Philip hadn’t been killed at the Somme? Where would we have ended up, you and I?’
‘Philip was the son of the family I worked for. I was a nursemaid and he was a member of a wealthy family. When I got pregnant, they dismissed me. His parents didn’t know that Philip was the father of my child, but they would never have allowed him to marry beneath him. They would have refused to recognise you as their son’s child and disowned him.’
‘But he could have gone against their wishes and married you anyway. Did he love you? You must have loved him.’
‘Yes. We loved each other. But things are not that simple. You must realise that. Especially now that you have Sarah and Anthony.’
‘I think we’d just better stop talking about this,’ Ronnie said. ‘What you’re saying is that I am an illegitimate child and one half of my family don’t even know that I exist.’
‘We are your family,’ Kate said, her throat dry and the words difficult to find.
‘Where was this place where you worked?’ Ronnie asked. ‘And what did you say their name was? Winton, wasn’t it?’
‘It was in Forest Hill, London. What does it matter now?’ Kate said. ‘It’s all in the past. You must forget it, Ronnie, or it will eat away at you and govern your life. I wish I’d never spoken of it.’
‘But you have and now I know. Goodnight, Mum. There’s nothing more to be said,’ Ronnie replied.
Kate reluctantly stood and left him beside the dying embers of the fire in the grate. He sat for a long time after she had left the room, lost in his own thoughts. In a few days he would be returning to his squadron and beginning flights to France again. Any opportunities to find out more about his beginnings might be lost to him for ever.
* * *
Tilly woke in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. Something didn’t feel right. She tossed and turned for a while until she decided that she might wake her sisters, and got up. She crept downstairs. As she opened the latch door at the bottom of the stairs, she realised that she was not alone. Ronnie was slumped over in the armchair. He’d fallen asleep where he sat. She retrieved a blanket from the front room, crept across to him and placed it gently across his chest. He stirred and opened his eyes.
‘I’m sorry. I tried not to wake you,’ Tilly whispered. ‘You didn’t make it to bed, then?’
Ronnie rubbed his eyes. ‘No, and you can’t sleep?’
‘No,’ Tilly replied. ‘There are some nights when my brain will just not stop repeating everything that I have seen. How are we to ever forget the awful sights we have witnessed, Ronnie?’
Ronnie looked at her blankly. ‘Don’t ask me questions I can’t answer, sis,’ he said. ‘I don’t have answers to any of this. Sometimes it’s better not to probe too deeply. We unearth things that are better left buried deep.’
