I swallowed, then lifted my chin.
“I’m done chasing them,” I replied. “I’m done trying to earn love from people who’ve made it clear they don’t know how togive it.” I curled my hand into a fist. “I’m cutting contact with all of them. My parents, my brother. Anyone who acts like my existence is a problem to be managed.”
There was no tremor in my voice. That was new.
“How does it feel to say that out loud?”
I searched myself for the answer, for the guilt or fear I thought I would feel, but found none of it.
“Relieved,” I admitted. “Sad too. But mostly relieved.”
The corner of her mouth ticked up in a small smile. “Family doesn’t always mean blood, Iggy.”
“I know,” I replied, thinking of those I’d met while on tour. The family I’d built rather than being born into. “I believe that now.”
“And you don’t feel like this is running away?”
I shook my head. “No,” I said firmly. “This is moving forward. I gave them chances, and I kept the door open until it started hitting me in the face every time it slammed shut.”
Dr Williams nodded slowly. “Boundaries aren’t cruelty,” she explained. “They’re clarity.”
I let out a small humourless breath. “I used to think I needed the approval of others to be okay,” I admitted. “Now I just want to figure out who I am without being constantly told who I’ve disappointed.”
“And who are you, Iggy?”
I smiled at that.
“I’m someone who messes up. But I also get back up when I fall. I’m someone who loves fiercely and is learning how to stay.” I paused. “I’m not a failure anymore.”
Dr Williams’s eyes shone with something like pride.
“No,” she agreed. “You’re not.”
We sat in silence for a few moments, letting the room breathe.It was one of my favourite things about Dr Williams. Unlike me, she didn’t fill the silence for the sake of it. She allowed it to sit, to seep into the walls, to just be. It was nice. Calming.
“What do you expect when you leave here today?” she asked eventually.
The question was gentle, but it held weight, and I pursed my lips, thinking through my answer.
“I don’t expect things to be easy or perfect. There’ll be bad days, triggers and doubts,” I answered honestly. “But I also expect myself to survive them.”
“And Bodhi?” she asked with a smile.
I gave her one of my own. One that was wide, genuine, filled with joy, just like it was every time I thought about him.
“I don’t expect him to save me or try and fix me,” I said. “I just... want to walk forward with him. Side by side.” I paused. “As myself, not as a fixer-upper.”
Dr Williams tapped her candy-floss pink nails on the arm of her chair. “That’s a very different place to when you started.”
I let that sink in, and the silence stretched once more, comfortable.
Finally, she stood and extended her hand. I rose from the couch and took it.
“I’m glad you came back, Iggy,” she said. “Not because you relapsed, but because you chose to return.”
I squeezed her hand. “Me too,” I replied.
And I meant it.
