Riff’s expression hardened, his mouth already opening to unload on a bandmate who wasn’t here to defend himself. I lifted a hand, stopping him.
“His intentions weren’t bad,” I said quickly. “Iggy used to do ballet. He had a serious injury that ended his career, and it still gives him trouble. Ghost gave him the pills to help with the pain. He didn’t know Iggy was an addict. No one did.”
Riff exhaled sharply. “Okay. Shit. I get it.” He nodded once. “So, he’s been taking pills.”
“Mmhmm. And when they ran out, he asked for more. Ghost didn’t have any, and Iggy snapped at him.” I swallowed. “Ghost told me because he was worried, so I talked to Iggy about it, and...” I trailed off. “It didn’t go well.”
“I can imagine,” Riff said softly, eyes drifting across the bar.
I knew what he was thinking. All the times he’d tried to pull me up short. The fights, the arguments. The way I’d lashed out when he’d seen the signs before I was ready to admit them myself.
“I gave him space,” I continued. “Like he asked for. And he spent the night with Trix and Bella.”
Riff let out a dry scoff. “Yeah. I think I know how this story ends.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and nodded.
Half Life were known for partying. They were young, new to it all, still riding the thrill of attention and excess. Untouched by the grind that eventually chewed everyone up. I hoped they’d stay that way.
I didn’t know why I’d thought it was a good idea to point Iggy in that direction. I wanted him to have friends, wanted him to feel supported outside of me. I wanted him to have a life that didn’t orbit entirely around mine.
Just not like this. Not as a way to self-destruct. Not at the cost of his recovery.
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “I told him he needed help, and we fought. His spiral triggered my own, and I walked out. Went to the show and performed like nothing was wrong.” I swallowed. “Got the job done.”
I scrubbed a hand down my face, my eyes starting to burn as I reached the hard part.
Walking into Iggy’s room. Seeing him sprawled on the bed and wondering if he was dead. The split second where my heart stopped, where I was certain I’d been too late. That he’d gone too far and this time no one had been there to save him.
Only for him to open his eyes.
To smile.
To offer me drugs like he was offering comfort. Like he was asking me to crawl into bed with him and pretend everything was fine. Watching the cracks spread as he slid to the floor after I pushed him. Hearing them finally shatter when the door closed between us.
I told Riff everything. I didn’t realise I was crying until a napkin appeared in the corner of my vision. I took it, wiped my eyes, blew my nose, and drew in a shaky breath that didn’t quite steady me. I kept my gaze fixed on the bar, afraid to look at him.
Afraid he’d see me the way I saw myself.
Like a fucking monster.
“Bodhi.”
I shook my head, refusing to meet his eyes.
A hand settled on my shoulder. Warm and solid. “Bodhi,” he said again, firmer this time. “Please look at me.”
I didn’t want to. But something in his voice pulled at me. It wasn’t angry. It wasn’t disappointed. It was soft. Worried. When I finally looked up, his eyes were wet.
And that was the thing. Riff didn’t cry.
He hadn’t cried when his dog died when we were twelve, the mutt that had been with him since before he could remember. He’d just said she’d gone to a better place and carried on. He hadn’t cried when his grandpa had a heart attack either. He’d stepped up instead, taking care of his mom, cooking, cleaning, doing whatever needed doing while she fell apart.
The first time I ever saw him cry was when I finally took it too far. When Clara found me moments away from shooting up. Riff had sat me down, looked me straight in the eyes, and broken. Tears had streamed down his face as he begged me to stop. Begged me to get help. Told me he didn’t want to wake up one morning and find out his best friend, his brother, was dead.Didn’t want to identify my body. Didn’t want to see me rot away somewhere because I’d chosen a high over my life.
Those tears were what sent me to rehab.
Those tears were what made me want to change.
