When Anthony married, Lark had expected him to be faithful to his wife and said as much. Rotherfeld seemed to feel no such compulsion.
“Indeed,” said Anthony. “The thing of it is, Rotherfeld and Hanley do not seem to require any sort of commitment or exclusive relationship, which is their prerogative, and I think it’s because Hanley is so often overseas. Back in those days, when Rotherfeld and I had our brief affair, Hanley was serving in Wellington’s army on the Continent. So it is likely that they do not require fealty to each other because they are so often separated by geography and Hanley’s obligations to the army and, prior to Waterloo, the decent odds Hanley would meet his end on a battlefield. Thankfully, Napoleon has been dispatched with, so Hanley’s life is no longer in danger. But that does not bode well for Louisa if she goes through with the wedding.”
“Let us hope Fletcher follows through tonight, if that is the case.”
They arrived at Anthony’s home. Anthony said, “You may as well come inside.”
“I thought you were tired.”
“I am, although I was also starting to…well, let us just say, my social muscles have atrophied. I was starting to feel that I’d had enough of the ball. But I never tire of your company.”
So Lark followed Anthony inside. The butler took Lark’s coat, and all of this was achingly familiar. When Lark and Anthony had been meeting regularly for assignations, one of them always followed the other home after a ball or some other occasion. Lark did not think he’d be spending the nightwith Anthony, but that was all right. He’d settle for further conversation.
He’d seen the spark in Anthony tonight, like his old self was starting to break through again.
In the sitting room, alone again, Lark said, “I hate that my jealousy spikes when you speak of your past.”
“You have nothing to fear. I have very little respect for Rotherfeld.”
“Do you have regrets?”
Anthony appeared to consider it. “About my past dalliances? No, not really. Back in those days, everything was light and easy. I was young and stupid and fearless, so I did what brought me pleasure without much consideration of the consequences. I wish I still had a bit of that fearlessness.”
“I feel like I’m the one who took it away.”
“Perhaps, but I’d really rather nothing happened to me now. Henry needs me.”
“That is true.”
“And perhaps you need me.”
That was definitely true, but Lark didn’t say anything.
Anthony fiddled with the cart in the corner that held his liquor but seemed to think better of it. Instead, he walked over to stand with Lark in the center of the room. “You’ve never judged me, you know.”
“I definitely have.”
Anthony smirked. “I mean, you don’t judge my past indiscretions.
“It would make me a hypocrite.”
“Lark, I think we should face the fact that we are two damaged people who have no business together and yet we are here, and I can’t say I regret it. You still love me.”
“Yes. I’ll never stop.”
“I’ve never stopped loving you, either.”
Lark sighed and decided to take that in and savor it. He closed his eyes for a moment.
“You told me to marry, so I did. I did it for you and for my mother and to help Matilda. And I suppose I did it for myself, not for love but because I felt an obligation. That is a foolish reason to marry.”
“And yet people have done just that for centuries.”
“My point is just that I loveyou, you fool, and if I could, I would marry you tomorrow, but that is not the world we live in. At the same time, I feel so much pain and guilt and fear over everything that has happened in the last year and will happen in the next, and I don’t know where to put it.”
Lark took a few steps closer to Anthony, close enough to touch him. So Lark put his hands on Anthony’s shoulders and then ran them up his neck to cup his cheeks. “Let me help you,” Lark said.
Then Lark kissed Anthony for the first time in a year.
