“That is kind of you.”
Anthony shrugged. “I do have some good qualities, I suppose.”
“And now you have a son.”
“Yes. She desperately wanted children, so I agreed to try. I played some mental games and managed to do the deed. And once we were certain she was expecting, it was almost a relief to be done with it, although I do not mean to say I was repulsed by her. She just did not…arouse me the way a man would have.” He sighed. “She was good company, you know? Held her own in a conversation. Had a fine sense of humor and knew her way around a good jest. Tolerated my eccentricities. Teased me relentlessly, but in a loving way. Read the newspaper in the morning with me the way you used to. I did like her. I keep expecting her to appear in the doorway to tell me this last week has been a joke.”
“Your mourning is genuine. No need to convince me of that. I can tell.”
“I thought, well, if I cannot have Lark, I will make this situation the best it can be. And then Henry was born, and we were briefly so happy, but within a day, her skin turned yellow.The doctor said it was an infection, which I suppose is quite common. And now I am alone.”
“You arenotalone.”
“No?”
Lark reached across the space between the chairs and took Anthony’s hand. “I do not know what we are to each other now, but I’ve missed you desperately and I do not wish to be apart anymore. If you need a friend, I am here. You are not alone.”
“Thank you.” Anthony sighed. “What changed?”
“What do you mean?”
“What has changed between us that you are willing to sit with me now?”
“You need me.”
Anthony shook his head but then leaned back in the chair. He squeezed Lark’s hand. “I suppose I do. But I am… I barely recognize myself right now. The sadness and fear I feel are overwhelming. My mother tells this will get better with time, but I cannot…that is, I really do need a friend right now. I am not sure I have anything else in me.”
“I understand that. I am not asking you for anything. I just want to help. Honest.”
Anthony nodded. “I blame myself,” he said, sounding a bit watery. He took his hand back. “I was the one who…but she told me, toward the end, that she wanted Henry more than anything and that it was not my fault. I am trying to take that to heart. I am trying not to feel like the bloody worst man on Earth for drinking this wine. Clairborne lost his sister, after all. He does not seem to blame me, either, but it’s hard not to think…”
“Please do not do this to yourself. Sometimes the universe… Random things happen.”
“Do you believe in God, Lark?”
“I don’t know.”
“I never gave it much thought, you know? I suppose I always assumed there was some higher plane of existence we all ascend to when we die, that there is a benevolent being overseeing our time on Earth, but I do not know how he could let something like this happen. She was a good person, Lark. She did not deserve to have her life cut short. She may not have been the love of my life, but she was my friend, and I miss her. I wake up in the morning and I don’t know what to do, and this sadness, it is crushing. How will I ever…how can I ever be myself again?”
Lark found his own eyes stung. He stood and offered his hand to Anthony, who took it but stood up on his own. Then Lark wrapped Anthony in a hug. Anthony buried his face in Lark’s neck and took a heavy sigh. His body seemed to relax into Lark. Lark rubbed his back and then just held him.
“Anthony,” Lark said. “I want you to know, I love you more than I love my own life and I wish I could take away all of your pain. I can’t, but I can hold you and support you and help you in any way I have the capacity to help you. You may never fully recover from the events of the last year, from your grief from this loss, and you may never fully forgive yourself, although you should. But I think you will rediscover who you are. It could also be that you’ve changed, and that’s all right, too.”
“Lark.”
Lark could feel the moisture from Anthony’s tears against his neck. Anthony clung to the fabric of Lark’s coat, grasping it as though he were holding on for dear life.
Anthony pulled away slightly. He wiped at his tears with one hand. Lark swatted that hand away and wiped away Anthony’s tears with his thumbs.
“I have missed you every day since you kicked me out of your house that night,” Anthony said. “I think of you daily, and it sits like a weight in my chest. If you are back in my life, I am glad for it, but I am a wreck right now.”
“It’s all right. Take the time you need to mourn.”
“I still love you, too, for what it’s worth. I am not capable of acting on that right now, but I will take anything you have to give.”
“I will give it freely. No need for reciprocation.”
Anthony closed his eyes. “Thank you for coming back to me.”
