There was total silence and I waited for something – anything – to happen. Rory just stared at me, and for the first time I could remember, I couldn’t read his expression.
Okay, not the reaction I was expecting, but carry on.
‘Danny and I got married way too young,’ I said. ‘If you remember, I was only sixteen when we started going out together, and he was only a couple of years older. Far too young to know who we even were, let alone make any sort of commitment to each other. But Danny was always the one who talked about settling down, building a home together. When he asked me to marry him everyone was so thrilled for us. And I…’ I shrugged guiltily. ‘I just went along with it because it was simpler.’
I hugged myself, remembering those early days and how easy it had been to get caught up in the excitement of wedding planning.
‘We were the perfect couple. We both had decent jobs and were going places. You know how bright Danny was. He was going to do well in life, that’s what everyone said. And he was such a nice young man. So polite and kind and he’d always look after me. Mum was a bit worried I was too young, but she and Dad both agreed he was a lovely person and they couldn’t ask for anyone better for a son-in-law.’ I gave him a rueful smile. ‘Sorry.’
He shrugged but still didn’t speak.
‘Well,’ I said, my mouth dry with nerves, ‘I wasn’t so sure. I was already beginning to feel like I was on a runaway train with no way of getting off. I kept telling myself it was just wedding nerves, that I loved Danny and he loved me, and he would make me happy. But deep down I was worried that I wasn’t going to makehimhappy. Because even then I could see our differences, and I wondered if we’d really grow closer as everyone said, or if we’d drift further apart. I should have called the wedding off. I should have told him how I felt, but I didn’t. I was too scared. I didn’t want to make a fuss and I didn’t want to hurt him. So I married him and I tried – I really tried to be a good wife.’
Rory moved away from the window and sat on the edge of the bed, never taking his eyes off me. I wished he’d interrupt me. Say something – anything. My heart was thumping with dread, and I really needed some sort of encouragement. This silence was overwhelming.
My hands twisted in my lap as I continued. ‘It was okay at first. I mean, better than I’d imagined. We were doing up the house and working hard at our jobs. We were too busy to make any serious plans for the future, and we had friends and family and a decent life. But then, gradually, Danny started to reveal what he was really hoping for. He started talking about moving out of London into the countryside. He had a hankering for the kind of life he’d had when he was a kid. And then he started saying how he wanted us to raise our children the way he’d been raised.’
For the first time there was a flicker of a reaction from Rory. He nodded slightly, as if this didn’t surprise him at all. Feeling a little braver, I carried on.
‘I’d never wanted children, Rory.Youknow this. The trouble is, Danny didn’t. I don’t know why we hadn’t talked about it. I think he’d just assumed – I think everyone had just assumed – that it would be something I’d want. You know how surprised everyone was whenwetold them we didn’t want a family. Well, at least we had the courage to tell them, but that was because we were on the same page. Back when I was with Danny, I felt I couldn’t say a word because I knew what he wanted, and I knew they’d all be on his side.
‘And then he came home one day with all these estate agent details for houses in the country, and I realised he was really serious about it. He really did want to change everything – move to a cosy village, have a family, start a completely different kind of life.’
I looked at him, a plea in my eyes. ‘It just wasn’t me, and I didn’t know how to tell him that. He was so excited about it all. I think that was when I realised for sure how different we were and what a terrible mistake I’d made. I – I wanted to get out of the marriage, but I didn’t know how. Danny was so lovely. He hadn’t done anything wrong. And our families were close. Your parents were so good to me. My parents adored Danny. How could I spoil everything?’
Rory sighed. ‘I get it, Kirsty. It must have been hard for you.’
‘It was but – but that’s when I made the most stupid mistake of my life.’ I hung my head, no longer wanting to see his reaction. When I told him about Bobby I knew all too well what I’d see in his eyes, and I couldn’t bear it. ‘I had an affair.’
There was a moment’s silence.
‘You – youwhat?’
I forced myself to face him. He was staring at me in bewilderment, like he didn’t even know who I was any more.
‘I had an affair,’ I repeated. ‘It meant nothing. It was crazy. He was just some man I worked with – well, I didn’t actually work with him. He was in a completely different department. But he seemed kind and funny and uncomplicated. Everything was such a mess at home, and this was an escape I suppose. The fact is, rather than face up to the problems in my marriage, I took the coward’s way out and escaped into a secret relationship.’
‘I can’t believe it,’ Rory admitted. ‘I never thought for a minute that you’d do something like that.’
‘I can’t believe it either. And that’s not the worst of it.’
‘What could be worse than that?’ he asked incredulously. ‘Did Danny know? Did he find out?’
‘That’s just it,’ I said. ‘And that’s where Brooke comes in.’
Trying to stay as detached as possible, I told him the truth about the night of the party. The night Danny died. About Bobby and the photograph and Brooke’s anger and Danny wanting to protect her from Lee.
‘You can say it,’ I said when I’d finally finished and there’d been nothing but silence for what felt like forever. ‘You couldn’t hate me any more than I hate myself. You wanted to know what stood between us all these years. What stopped me from being fully myself and giving myself completely to you and to our marriage. Well, now you know the truth. It’s guilt. How can I forgive myself knowing what I did to Danny? Knowing that because of my reckless actions, he and Brooke died? You tell me that, Rory.’
The last words ended on a sob. I just couldn’t hold in my emotions any longer. I’d tried to tell him what had happened as impassively as possible but now the sadness, shame and grief were bursting out of me.
Normally, if I’d cried, Rory would have hurried over to comfort me, but he didn’t move, which was very telling. I’d really blown it, hadn’t I?
‘If you can’t see a way back for us after this, I don’t blame you. I’m not sure I can either. This is what I was always afraid of, you see. You’re his brother and you love him, and now you know how I treated him, how can you possibly get past what I did to him?’
Wiping away tears I stood, not able to face him a moment longer.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked as I stumbled blindly to the door.
