‘Wow, you’ve done your research,’ I said weakly.
‘You have to think about these things if you’re going to be a parent,’ he said wisely. He gave me a broad smile, which faded slightly when he saw that I wasn’t exactly jumping up and down with excitement.
‘What is it? You do like this place, don’t you?’
‘It’s – it’s very nice,’ I said. ‘But I just don’t want you to get carried away. Like I said, the commute is so much longer. I know you think that won’t matter, but when you’re doing it every day twice a day, I reckon it will start to matter more than you imagine.’
‘The reward of coming home to this place will make up for it,’ he said determinedly. ‘Oh, imagine it at Christmas! Imagine the garden covered in snow. Imagine a Christmas tree in that living room, and our children running downstairs on Christmas morning to open their presents.’
‘I thought you said one of them would only be a baby by the time we left here,’ I said wryly.
‘Well, you know what I mean.’ He hurried through to the living room, practically dragging me with him. ‘I wonder if we could unblock that fireplace and have a real fire?’ he mused. ‘We could hang the children’s stockings from the mantelpiece and?—’
‘Danny, steady on,’ I protested. ‘We don’t even know if we can have children yet. It’s not a given, you know. Lots of couples struggle and it might never happen.’
‘Why would you even say that?’ he asked. ‘Stop being such a pessimist and let yourself dream for a minute.’
He slipped his arm through mine, and we stood together in silence, gazing round the room and imagining…
I could guess only too well what Danny was imagining. After a smooth commute (both ways, naturally), he’d arrive home from the office to his chocolate box cottage to find his smiling wife (me!) in an apron, baby on hip, greeting him with a kiss at the door as she told him all about her fulfilling day baking scones and arranging flowers at the church.
Me? I was imagining fighting for a seat on the train, arriving at work already tired and harassed, repeating the whole horrible process at the end of the working day, arriving at the train station then having to drive to the village, only to have to start cooking dinner because there were no takeaways in the area. And that was before I had to worry about collecting a screaming baby from a childminder or a whining child from school.
It just wasn’t for me and I knew it. Oh, the village was pretty, I couldn’t deny it, and I could well understand why Danny loved it. It had very similar vibes to his own Lincolnshire village. If we had jobs nearby it might have been a different thing all together, but we didn’t, and I wasn’t about to leave Rochester’s to work out in the sticks somewhere.
As for children… The plain fact was, I’d never seen myself as a mother. As far as I could tell, motherhood meant nothing but sacrifice and a curtailment of any chance of fun and freedom for the rest of your life. I had friends and family with children, and their time was never their own. I just wouldn’t have the patience.
Danny and I had never really discussed the issue, which, now that I thought about it was a stupid mistake. We should have done. Now I could see that he’d just assumed I wanted them, because wasn’t that the normal thing? And maybe I hadn’t brought up the subject because I didn’t want to get into that whole discussion. I suppose, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’d just thought that when the day came I’d deal with it then. And maybe I was worrying about nothing, because maybe he wouldn’t want them anyway?
Well, any hopes of that had vanished. Danny had dreams of a traditional family life, much like his own family’s. He wanted to be a dad. He wanted to live in a village and breathe the country air.
How was I going to tell him that this wasn’t for me?
I didn’t know how to do it, and I felt miserable and cowardly and full of despair.
‘So what do you think? Should we make them an offer?’ he asked.
I turned away from the hope in his eyes, unable to bear it any longer.
‘Not yet,’ I said. ‘I think we should have a look at some other places first.’
‘Kirsty, we’ve been looking at properties for four months now and talking about it for nearly a year! Come on, this is perfect!’ he protested. ‘And if we wait it will get snapped up.’
‘We’ll put it at the top of the list,’ I said weakly, ‘but I still think we shouldn’t rule out other properties, other villages. This is a big deal, Danny. A major investment. We have to get it right.’
He slumped and I hated myself, especially when he nodded stoically.
‘You’re right of course. It’s a big decision. Well, we’ll leave it for now, but if we haven’t seen anything better by the end of next week I think we should put in an offer.’
‘We might not have much time for house hunting before then,’ I reminded him. ‘We’ve got that retirement do in the Cotswolds at the weekend, remember?’
He wrinkled his nose. ‘How could I forget that? Bloody Adam Ant! I don’t know why I let Brooke talk me into it.’
‘I’m sure you’ll look great,’ I said, glad to get him onto another subject. ‘Adam Ant’s a very sexy look.’
‘So is Debbie Harry,’ he said, putting his arms around my waist and kissing me lightly. ‘I can’t wait to see you all dressed up.’
‘Shall we go home then?’ I asked. ‘It will be dark soon.’
