‘Well,’ Rory said, bouncing onto the bed, ‘what do you think?’
‘It’s very nice,’ I said cautiously.
‘Very nice?’ He sounded disappointed. ‘I think it’s amazing. Even better than it looked online.’
‘You’re right,’ I said hastily, ‘itisamazing. I’m sorry. It’s just been a heck of a day.’
I hovered uncertainly by the bed, not sure how this was all going to play out. I really wanted to make things right with Rory, but I just couldn’t see a way of making it happen. I was terrified that I was going to disappoint him again, and that we’d leave this place in four days’ time with no more clarity on our future. Or worse, total clarity. If this really was make or break for us, then it was quite possible that we’d check out of The Quicken Tree Inn on Sunday morning as an estranged couple.
Rory seemed to sense my worries as he reached for my hand and held it tightly.
‘Come and sit down,’ he urged.
‘We need to unpack?—’
‘It can wait.’
I nodded and sat beside him on the bed, not sure what to say.
‘I’m sorry. I know this must seem like I’ve pulled a really dirty trick on you,’ he said quietly. ‘I just didn’t know what else I could do. When the idea popped into my head it seemed like the only solution, and I booked it straight away – partly because I could see there weren’t many vacancies left and partly because I didn’t want to chicken out, the way I have so many times before.’
I pulled away from him, staring at him in alarm. ‘How long have you been feeling this way about us?’ I asked.
He shrugged. ‘Honestly? I can’t even remember. It just crept up on me. This feeling that something’s really wrong between us. That you’re holding out on me. I never really feel as if you’re fully with me, you know?’
‘I have a busy job,’ I muttered. ‘Lots to think about. You must understand that.’
‘But it’s more than that, isn’t it?’ he persisted. ‘It’s Danny. We both know it so you might as well admit it.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I said. ‘What do you want me to say?’
‘The truth. Are you over Danny? Properly over him?’
‘He was my husband for six years,’ I pointed out. ‘My first love. You can’t expect me to just forget about him.’
‘I would never expect you to forget about him!’ he said, aghast. ‘Never! How can you even think that? But Kirsty, I’ve been your husband fortenyears, and I still feel as if I’m living in his shadow. I don’t know how to explain it, but when we first got together you were different. I honestly thought you’d done your grieving and were ready for a fresh start, but here we are, and sometimes it feels like you’re going backwards. It’s like – I don’t know – like you’re keeping something from me.’
‘This isn’t all my fault,’ I snapped, stung by his words. ‘What about you?’
He frowned. ‘What about me?’
‘Well, if we’re talking about keeping things from each other, what about you arranging this little break in Rowan Vale of all places? And what about you making plans for us to move away from London? Don’t deny it. I know what all the hints were about. I fully expected to find you had a load of house viewings lined up for us while we were away.’
‘I’m not denying it,’ Rory said. ‘No, I haven’t got any house viewings lined up because I wouldn’t do that without your full knowledge and consent. But I will admit that I want to move away from London.’
I stared up at him in dismay. ‘But why? We have a lovely life there!’
‘We haveyourlife! Yours and Danny’s! The friends you two had are nowourfriends. We live in the houseyoubought after…’ His voice trailed off and he sighed. ‘You know what I mean. It’s your house, not mine.’
‘That’s not really true,’ I said. ‘We’ve made loads of alterations to it since you moved in. You’ve added so much value to it. It’s as much yours as mine!’
‘But it’s your rebound house,’ he pointed out. ‘The house you escaped to when you were still grieving. It’s not a happy house. It’s not a house we chose together to be our forever home. I mean, honestly, does it feel like a forever home to you?’
‘It’s a nice house.’
‘That’s not what I asked though, is it?’
‘I like that house. I like living in Borehamwood. I like working in London.’
