‘No! No, I can’t say that. Plenty of wives have affairs – even with the husband’s best friend. It’s not an excuse. It’s just a reason. Why it started. The addiction was all me. The weakness, it was mine. My responsibility. The lies. The deception. The hiding of bills and statements. The recklessness of almost destroying my family’s future. That was me. That was Ian. That’s why I left him behind, because I’m not that person any more. I’m just not. You have to believe me.’
Alison nodded. ‘I understand addiction, Mac,’ she said gently. ‘And I can’t even begin to imagine how painful this must have been for you, or what you and your family went through. But can you, hand on heart, tell me that you’ll never, ever gamble again?’
Mac stared at her. ‘Wh-what?’
‘You heard the question,’ she said. ‘Can you swear it?’
Mac swallowed. ‘I can’t. I want to, but it would be a lie. I’ll always be a gambling addict. That’s why I focus on one day at a time. We’re taught to do that, you see, at Gamblers Anonymous. It saved me. Following the steps. Going to meetings. But honestly, I can’t promise that I won’t slip up ever again because I just don’t know. Right now, I feel as if it will never happen, because I’m in such a good place and I’m happy. Well, until tonight. But who knows what’s around the corner? It wouldn’t be fair of me to say otherwise. You deserve better than that.’
‘Thank you,’ she said tearfully. ‘I appreciate that. But you see, Mac, I can’t live like that. The fear of you going back to that kind of behaviour. I told you once that I’m pretty risk averse, and I really am. I just want a steady, quiet life. I can’t cope with any more drama. I’ve had more than enough of it already. I just need to back away right now, because if I don’t… I’m so sorry, Mac.’
Tears glistened in his eyes, but he didn’t try to convince her to change her mind. He stepped back and nodded silently, letting her walk away.
She knew he was watching her as she walked, and that he’d keep watching until he couldn’t see her any longer. Part of her longed to turn around and run back to him, tell him that it didn’t matter and she didn’t care what had happened in the past. But she couldn’t, because she was too afraid of the future, and what it might bring if she trusted him.
She simply wasn’t brave enough.
34
Gavin hadn’t changed that much. He was older, of course, but weren’t they all? He had a bit more grey in his hair, a few more lines around his mouth and eyes, a bigger paunch than he used to have, but basically he was still Gavin. Still the man who’d been his brother-in-law for years. Who used to be one of his best friends.
Mac held out his hand to shake and Gavin laughed and pulled him close for a hug, clapping him on the back.
‘Bloody handshake, you daft bugger! How long have we known each other?’ He sat down in the armchair opposite Mac and gazed around him. ‘Where have you brought me to? Bit boring, isn’t it?’
They were in a hotel in Hull. Gavin had sounded delighted when Mac called him a few days ago, and told Mac he’d be happy to meet him on Saturday, and could they meet in the city because he was catching a train up to Puffin Point later – a little problem with too many speeding points on his driving licence which was bloody inconvenient – and it would be easier to meet near the station, away from… everything.
He hadn’t been specific, but the implication had been that he didn’t want to bump into Stella.
Mac had suggested this hotel because it wasn’t far from the interchange and there was free parking, and because Alison had once mentioned that it did a good selection of non-alcoholic beers and offered a fine choice of coffees, which he thought would come in useful should he decide he’d prefer a hot drink.
‘That’s because I’m boring, too,’ he told Gavin.
‘Give over! Ian MacMillan, boring? No way.’
‘Mac,’ he said wearily, wondering when he’d ever get to stop correcting people about that.
‘Oh yes. Crystal did mention. She said you were looking well and she’s right. A damn sight better than the last time I saw you anyway.’
The last time they’d met, Mac had been a sobbing, broken mess. He’d just learned that Lynne had moved in with Terry, and his children were now under his ex-best friend’s care as well as his roof.
‘It’s all my fault. All my fault,’ he’d wept as Gavin had put him to bed on the sofa in his hotel room and told him not to worry and everything would be fine.
By the time Gavin woke up the following morning, Mac had gone – too ashamed to face his brother-in-law and too heartbroken to sit and talk about Lynne’s new relationship, which he knew Stella would want to do the minute she arrived that morning to join Gavin, who was having business meetings in London at the time.
Not that Stella would have been intentionally cruel, but she had a habit of wanting to fix things, and she would believe that she could fix Mac, and in turn, fix his marriage. Mac knew it was beyond fixing, and he couldn’t deal with going over and over how he needed to sort himself out. Heknewhe needed to sort himself out. He just didn’t believe it was possible any more.
‘Yes, well,’ he said now, giving Gavin a wry look, ‘I don’t suppose I could have looked much worse, could I?’
They ordered two coffees, because Gavin simply couldn’t bring himself to even try non-alcoholic beer, and settled down in the armchairs with their hot drinks like, as Gavin put it, a respectable old married couple.
‘How are you doing though?’ Gavin’s tone was gentle. The jokes and smiles had been replaced with genuine concern. ‘Can’t have been easy for you, moving into Watersmeet, especially with your kid sister pulling the purse strings. Bit harsh of your mother to do that to you.’
‘She needed to be certain I didn’t blow the money,’ Mac said with a shrug. ‘I can’t blame her for that.’
Gavin gave him a puzzled look. ‘But if you wanted money, you could sell Watersmeet any time you wanted. There’s nothing to stop you from doing that, as I understand it. It doesn’t make any sense.’
He was right. It didn’t. As Evan had explained, his mother had given Stella control over his inheritance so the two of them had to be in contact. She hadn’t wanted them to lose each other again, because she loved them both so much, and wanted them to stay close.
