‘Do you really like her then?’
Mac prodded a prawn with his fork. ‘I really do,’ he said at last. ‘To be honest, I always did. She was my childhood sweetheart.’ He gave Evan a wry look. ‘She just didn’t know it. I was mad about her when we were at primary school, but she never showed any interest in me whatsoever.’
‘Well, she’s showing interest in you now.’
‘Yes, but, she’s a widow. I have to be careful.’
‘How long has she been a widow, did you say?’
‘Nine years.’
Evan waved a hand dismissively. ‘Nine years! Well, she’s hardly rushing into anything then, is she?’
‘I know, but it’s still delicate, isn’t it? She loved him. A lot. And I know she still misses him.’
‘Well, of course she does. He was her husband. You’ll have to learn to accept that, Mac, if you’re to have a future with her.’
‘I do accept it, of course I do. It’s not just that, though. Alison’s not the problem, is she? It’s me. I’m the bloody problem.’
Evan sighed. ‘I don’t see why.’
‘Really? After everything that’s happened?’
Evan leaned back in the sofa and helped himself to a large piece of curried beef, which he chewed thoughtfully as he contemplated the issue.
‘Well,’ he said finally, ‘I’m not an expert on these matters, of course, but haven’t you been taught to live in the present? Forget about the past. Don’t worry about the future. Concentrate only on today. Isn’t that what Doug always said to you?’
‘He did.’
‘And what would Doug be telling you to do now?’
Mac thought about it. ‘I think… I think he’d be telling me to go for it,’ he admitted at last. ‘I think he’d be saying that I’ve worked hard to put my life straight, and that I’ve paid the price for what I did in the past. I think he’d tell me to grab a chance of happiness while I can, because you’re a long time dead.’
Evan nodded. ‘Well, there you go then.’
‘What if I let her down though? If things go wrong between us… Look, Evan, right now I’m doing okay. I’m settling in at Watersmeet. I’m happy looking after the animals. All right, I still haven’t figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I feel calm and stable and happy. If it wasn’t for the people I’ve lost along the way, and all the hurt I’ve caused, I’d say life’s pretty good. But if Alison and I go any further – if we get really involved – I’m making myself vulnerable again.’
‘Go on,’ Evan said, listening intently. ‘In what way?’
‘If I let myself fall in love with her and then we row or break up… would I be able to stay this balanced and steady? Or would I end up back where I started? How do I take the risk?’
‘I suppose,’ Evan said thoughtfully, ‘you have to decide if the risk is worth taking. There’s nothing else for it. You either choose to remain as you are and potentially miss out on something wonderful, or you go for it, knowing that it makes you vulnerable, but it could also be the best thing that ever happened to you.’
‘Which do I choose?’ Mac asked, feeling anguished. ‘What do I do?’
‘Only you can decide that,’ Evan said. ‘I think, the way you and Alison are going, feelings are only going to grow and deepen anyway. Maybe you’re at the point where it’s either let her go now to save the potential pain, or go all in: decide this is what you want and that you’re going to do everything in your power to make it work.’
As Mac rubbed his forehead worriedly, Evan asked gently, ‘Isit what you want? Is she worth the gamble?’
They stared at each other and Evan sighed. ‘The risk. Is she worth the risk? I’m going to make us a cup of tea while you think it over.’
Mac pushed his food around on the plate, mulling over the conversation. Alison was wonderful, and he was waking up happy for the first time in years. He’d been terrified, kissing her for the first time, but she’d been so warm and welcoming, and clearly glad that he’d done it. In the days that had followed it had become something they did – a kiss outside the caravan before they said goodnight. Half the time it was Alison who initiated it, and he’d got the distinct impression recently that she’d be happy to go further.
And he wanted to. Oh, a part of him longed to. But the fear…
‘Is she worth the gamble?’ Evan had asked.
The truth was, Mac wasn’t sure anything was. He had way too much to lose.
