I deliberated for a few minutes, then decided to start by making the bed and tidying the room a bit. As I smoothed out the comforter, I noticed something under my pillow.
Another package.
My heart leapt. How had I missed it? I must have been too focused on Simon to notice it sitting there.
This package was bigger than the others, a good-sized box wrapped in brown paper and tied with twine. My hands shook slightly as I untied the string and carefully removed the wrapping.
Inside was…everything.
The box was divided into sections, each one holding something that made my breath catch.
A pacifier—adult-sized, in a soft gray color that matched my elephant pajamas. It came with a clip attached, and just seeing it made me smile. I'd wanted one of these for years but had never been brave enough to buy it.
Baby lotion and powder—the gentle kind that smelled like comfort and safety. I unscrewed the cap on the lotion and inhaled deeply, feeling myself slip a little smaller just from the scent.
The softest pair of socks I'd ever felt—thick and fuzzy, with little elephants on them. Of course they had elephants.
A sippy cup that matched the one I already had, but this one was in a different color—sage green with little stars.
Coloring books—new ones, different from what I already had. These were specifically designed for littles, with simpler images and thicker lines.
Crayons—the big, chunky kind that were easier to hold when you were feeling small. They came in a box decorated with animals.
A small blanket, baby-soft and perfect for carrying around. It was pale blue with white clouds.
And at the bottom, carefully wrapped in tissue paper, was a onesie. Adult-sized, in soft cotton, with—I nearly sobbed—elephants on it.
My hands trembled as I pulled out the note:
Everything a good boy needs. You don't have to hide these things away or feel ashamed of wanting them. Being little is a gift, and you deserve to embrace it fully. Use these whenever you need to feel small and safe.
I sat on the edge of the bed, surrounded by items that represented parts of me I'd kept hidden for so long, and let myself cry.
My Secret Santa understood.
I picked up the pacifier, studying it. The weight of it in my hand felt right. Like it belonged there. But the thought of actually using it, of being that vulnerable…
You don't have to hide,the note had said.
Maybe I didn't. Not here. Not in this room where I was safe.
Slowly, carefully, I brought the pacifier to my lips and slipped it in my mouth.
The effect was immediate. My shoulders dropped. My breathing slowed. Everything that had been tight and anxious in my chest just… released.
I pulled Peanut into my lap and held him close, the pacifier bobbing gently as I rocked slightly. This was what I'd needed. What I'd been missing.
I don't know how long I sat there, just being small and letting myself feel safe. But eventually, I heard footsteps on the stairs and quickly pulled the pacifier out, my heart racing.
"Tanner?" Sean's voice called. "You up here?"
"Yeah," I called back, shoving the pacifier under my pillow. "Come in."
Sean pushed open the door, then stopped short when he saw the box and all its contents spread across the bed.
"Oh my gosh," he breathed, coming closer. "Your Secret Santa is amazing."
"They really are." I touched the onesie gently. "I've never had things like this before. I always wanted them, but I never…"
