I drove a Honda. A tiny one that felt even smaller on these back roads.
Slow and steady was the only way.
My knuckles were white on the steering wheel, but it would be worth it if I'd make it in one piece. While the men at the ranch wouldn't hesitate to come pull me out of the snow, I didn't want to inconvenience them anymore than I'd already planned to. I didn't want to be more of a burden than I already felt like.
It was bad enough I would be showing up this late, unannounced and falling apart. The only reason I kept going was because I knew somebody would be awake. The ranch was a bit like Vegas in that way. Men came there to heal from the burdens of life. Several of them were known to go through bouts of insomnia, their own demons keeping them company in the dark hours.
While I didn't want to wish ill on anyone, I could appreciate how this fact would grant me access to one of the guest bedrooms in the main house. If I were really lucky, Sean and Atticus, the owners of the ranch, would still be awake as well.
I always felt better after talking to them. Their company made me lighter somehow and less alone.
Not only were they both genuinely nice men, but they also practiced a kinky lifestyle—more specifically, Daddy/boy dynamics. They were everything I wanted for myself. Living proof that what I craved actually existed in the world.
I'd yet to find my own Daddy though.
And honestly, I wasn't even looking. There were places I could go, numbers I could call. If I was truly focused, I'd have a Daddy or two in my contacts by day's end.
Pulling the trigger on finding one hadn't happened yet. I couldn't bring myself to invest time in my want. I couldn't justify taking energy away from my cases, from the people who needed me.
For others, I'd try to bend the space-time continuum to help.
For myself, well…
My old therapist would tell me the culprit is my people pleasing behavior. I'd have to agree with her. Would have to admit that somewhere along the line, I'd decided I didn't deserve the care I so freely gave others.
Whatever the reason, I'd been sadly single for the better part of the last six years. Before that, the guy I dated claimed to be aDaddy, but really didn't have any of the traits that fit the name. He only wanted me to call him that in bed, which there isn't anything wrong with if you and your partner enjoy it.
For me, the role of Daddy involved more.
So much more.
I wanted someone to take care of me—to see how hard I worked and decide I deserved softness. They needed to understand how stressful my work was so they could be my safe place to land, the eye of the storm I could rest in. I'd be completely submissive to them in all ways, from food choices to sleeping habits. Anything Daddy said would be for my benefit. He'd want only the best for his boy. Would protect me even from myself if need be.
The issue was finding a nurturing caregiver who wanted an overworked, likely burned-out lawyer pushing closer to forty than twenty. Oh, and if they liked a bit of age play, then that'd be even better.
In short, I needed the unicorniest Daddy of Daddies.
At this point in my life, I wasn't sure he existed, much less that I'd ever find him. The longing for it sat in my chest like a constant ache, something I'd learned to live with the way you learn to live with an old injury.
Who knew though? Maybe he'd show up in my life when I least expected it.
Maybe tonight.
The thought made me release a bitter laugh in the darkness of my car.
The Christmas music cut away as the DJ's voice came over the air.
Thank you for listening to 85.6 The Soft Place, your home for all the calming music your soul craves. We've been listening to Christmas tunes for a while now, and I'm thinking we need a break.
Now, before y'all blow up my phone lines, I'm not a hater. I love Santa as much as the next person. I just want to be an equal opportunity music provider. Plus, with Christmas hitting us in twelve days, you're going to get plenty more caroling in.
Ok? Alright.
Let's go with some…
I tuned out their voice as I spotted the archway that meant I'd reached my destination. With how dark it was, I could only make out the shapes of some of the buildings in the distance. The familiar silhouettes made something in my chest loosen just slightly.
I wouldn't be able to see if anyone was awake until I made it down the long driveway.
