I'd have to ask him later what he thought, but I'd have to keep pretending that I'm not the one who gave it to him. As his Secret Santa, it was my duty to be… secret. It was in the name. That much was obvious.
But more than any of that, I wanted to comfort him. It's why I stepped up to the role. Why I told Sean on my way out this morning via text that he didn't need to make anyone Secret Santa for Tanner. I’d told him that I would happily participate.
I'm not sure how he held back his squeal of excitement since he was still with Atticus and Tanner at the time. But he told me he did.
When we passed each other earlier, and I took over hanging out with a sleeping Tanner, Sean hugged me and said he was so excited. He couldn't wait to see what I came up with.
Downstairs I shook out my arms and rolled my neck a few times. My skin buzzed from the interaction. It wanted to touch Tanner, to feel him. That little connection we had when I slipped on his bracelet wasn't enough. Neither was the closeness from finding his phone earlier or the hand-holding as we went to the room.
All those little moments were killing me.
And when I stood behind him at the closet door, I felt his body gravitate toward mine. His hips shifted slightly, and when he turned to look at me, his body swiveled enough that I could see the way the fabric stretched. His body wanted me, but I didn't know where his mind was at. Hell, I didn't know where mine was.
I knew that Tanner seemed like the perfect boy for me. I knew that the time had come when my Daddy instincts were telling me to get back in the game, to go out and find someone I could care for properly, to keep my promise to Wren.
Yet I still hesitated.
I didn't know where to go next or what to do.
While some Daddy relationships were instant, others took time to build. They were a slow burn of sorts where the couple had to figure out how each piece fit. I had a feeling that me and Tanner would be somewhere in between the two. I was already smitten with him, had already slipped up several times by calling himbud.
The visible shiver, the way goosebumps dotted across his skin to the point I don't think he even noticed, at my use of the word encouraged me. It made me want to be bold. Made me want to find what other words I could say to get that type of response.
There were so many scenarios that ran through my mind. I could see myself in the future with him, tucking him in bed with his weighted blanket after a stressful day. I could see myself in a kitchen somewhere cooking for him, maybe at his place, though I'd never seen it. He would sit at the table waiting patiently. I would feed him until his tummy was full, and then I could sit and cuddle with him on our couch.
I would be there to draw him a bath, to ensure that he never worked more than he needed to. I would never let him feel the way he did when he arrived at this ranch.
But again, that was a future that didn't exist. Not yet. And I wouldn't know if it would happen, not unless I did something about my feelings.
Sean had said he was going to check in with Atticus and handle a few things. He told me that I could stick around until he got back. What he didn't tell me was that he would send his husband to speak with me first.
Atticus strode into the house with a purpose. His eyes raked over me where I was seated at the counter, a glass of water in front of me and my fingers tapping restlessly on the surface.
"We need to talk," he said, authority in his tone.
He came over and stood on the opposite side from me. With his palms on the counter, he leaned forward, gaze locked with mine.
"I'm listening," I said, keeping my tone even.
"I've never asked you outright if you're a Daddy, Simon. It's not been any of my business. I knew your story when you came here, and grief was the primary emotion in your life. I don't begrudge you for that, as I know what it's like to lose someoneyou care about. My father owned this place, and he left a damn fine legacy behind him. He also left a lot of pain, and I would be foolish to minimize yours."
He paused, letting that settle between us.
"So I haven't asked, but I'm asking now because there's a man in this house who is going through a tough time and could use a gentle hand to guide him. But I won't let you play around if this is something you're only thinking of or hope to fulfill as a way to be with him."
I shook my head. My fingers came to a standstill as anger built within me. Anger that he even thought that something like that would happen but also anger at myself for not being clear.
"I would never do anything like that," I said firmly. "Your words are true. I am a Daddy. My boy was my husband and losing him made me think that I would never be in that role again." I took a breath as I pushed away the memories of Wren sick and lying in my arms. "Tanner does need someone to help guide him. I want to be that person if he'll let me. I'm not sure what to do."
Atticus repositioned himself, laying his forearms on the counter and clasping his hands together. "I see how you look at him, Simon. I see the ways you've been taking care of him." He paused. "Sean said you came back with armloads of clothing."
I winced. "Yeah, about that. I can pay you back. I went overboard."
No one on the ranch knew how much was in my bank account. I lived a modest life and worked hard. Nothing about me screamed wealthy. But I’d married into money, and when Wren passed, he left it all to me.
So I could absolutely pay the ranch back for my overexcited shopping spree.
Atticus shook his head. "No, you absolutely will not. Tanner has done a world of good for this ranch and the men on it. I donot care how much money it took. Besides, if I get to be a part of whatever story you two have, I'll consider it a win."
