To be the one who saves you,”
“I am! I do! I’m so fucking broken, you can’t fix this! It’s too late! I need you so much! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he yelled into the suffocating silence of the car, his voice crashing through the night like a rogue wave, desperate and uncontrolled. His foot slammed harder onto the accelerator, the car surging forward as if trying to outrun the hurricane of emotions that had taken hold of him.
“You can’t fix this! You can’t! It’s been too long!” The words ripped from his throat, the echoes shaking the car’s walls as though the very air around him was being torn apart.
Logan’s body trembled violently, his hands no longer steady enough to hold the wheel, as if the weight of his guilt and grief was too heavy, pulling him under. His tears fell, blurring his vision, the salty sting in his eyes another reminder of the wreckage inside him. Every sob was a wavecrashing over him, and no matter how hard he tried to stay afloat, he felt himself sinking deeper into the cold, merciless depths.
“So when the end draws near, and life leaves you,
I’ll be here, waiting to save you.”
“I don’t deserve you waiting for me, Adrian! I don’t!”
Memories surged within him, crashing over Logan, pulling him under, dragging him back to some secret places he’d buried deep beneath the surface. He could still feel the heat of the final kiss he shared with Adrian, moments before he stepped into the prison of his own making. It was the kiss of a man who knew he was about to lose everything—raw, desperate, filled with the kind of longing that could drown a person. Adrian’s lips had tasted like candy and sorrow, like a storm about to break. The memory of Adrian’s touch, the warmth of his skin against his own, lingered in Logan’s every cell, as if he could still feel it. Adrian’s scent, the way his presence filled every empty space, the soft strength of his heart that Logan had never fully understood until it was too late.
And now, that heart was gone, drifting far away, leaving Logan’s own fragile core barely beating, barely alive. The pain was an ocean, vast and deep, swallowing him whole. Every breath felt like he was drowning, the weight of his own self-destruction suffocating him. He thought the pain could kill him, and part of him waited for the final wave to crash down and put an end to it.
When Logan reached the bar, he tried to steady himself, wiping his tears away as though they were nothing but the remnants of a storm that had already passed. He put on the mask of normalcy, pretending that nothing had shattered him, pretending that the last piece of his heart wasn’t still caught in the undertow of Adrian’s absence.
“Whiskey,” he said, his voice a whisper that barely rose above the hum of the bar. “A glass, and a bottle.”
Logan stared down at the bracelet Adrian had given him, the metal cool against his wrist, a cruel reminder of the love he had thrown away. The memories flooded him again, pounding at his fragile resolve, the weight of them threatening to crush him. He missed Adrian with an ache that felt like it was tearing him apart, piece by piece.
“Wow, what happened to you?” Zack asked, his voice cutting through the haze, but it was too late. Logan had already disappeared into the sea of his thoughts.
“Not now, Zack,” Logan murmured, his voice heavy with a weight that was too much to bear. He let his head fall into his hands, elbows braced on the counter. “Whiskey. A lot of it.”
Zack set a bottle and a glass down beside him, and Logan was grateful when Zack filled the cup without a word. He needed the burn of whiskey, the fire in his throat to numb the ache in his chest. The warmth of it spread through him briefly washing over the pain, but it wouldn’t last. Nothing could drown this. Nothing could wash away the wreckage he’d made of his life. Still, he drank, hoping the ocean of whiskey would carry him far enough away from the storm raging inside.
Chapter 6
My Best… Everything
August 14, 2018—Siargao Island, Philippines—One Year and 10 Months Earlier
They’dbeenhere,swallowedwhole by the warmth and the wild beauty of the Philippines, for what felt like a lifetime or maybe just a breath. About three weeks had passed, but the days here were ever-rolling, never-ending. Each one bled into the next, seamless and fluid. Every sunrise brought a new shore, a new stretch of sand beneath their feet, a new horizon to chase. Together, they surfed the Pacific’s embrace—riding her swells, carving her curls—like travelers who had forgotten the art of standing still. The islands were a labyrinth of saltwater and sun, and yet, despite the endless beauty of it all, it was the presence of Adrian that had become the most intoxicating part of it.
This was the third hotel they’d shared since landing in this paradise. There was no logic, no need to take two rooms, a room was just a place to breathe, to rest, and to hold their belongings, most of them scattered carelessly around, mainly Logan’s fault and Adrian’s inability to keep picking up after him, like pieces of a life half-lived, a life that wasn’t quite real.
Logan finished his shower with the careful precision of someone trying to avoid thinking. The hot water had been a balm on his sun-kissed skin, which still carried the memory of the ocean’s salt on it. His face was flushed, cheeks a warm shade of bronze from the sun. His sandy blond hair, a shade or so lighter than when he first got to Hawaii, clung to his scalp in wet, unruly strands.
He stood for a moment in front of the mirror, eyes tracing the stubble along his jawline, the whisper of a beard starting to grow in. There was a silence, thick and pressing, but it was his own voice in his head that thundered the loudest.
What are you doing?His eyes flicked to the small lifesaver bracelet still wrapped around his wrist, silver catching the light from the bathroom window. It gleamed like a distant star, always present, always pulling him toward something he couldn’t quite reach.
With deliberate movements, he picked up the razor, his fingers brushing against the worn handle. The metal felt cold against his skin as he traced the blade along his jaw. Each stroke felt like an effort, like something he needed to do, something that gave him control over the chaos of his thoughts.
When the last of the stubble was gone, he tugged on boxer briefs and sweatpants, the fabric soft against his skin. He wanted to hurry, wanted to escape the quiet that hummed in his chest, but he couldn’t. Not yet.
As he stepped into the room, he saw Adrian, sprawled lazily on one of the chairs by the window, his body a sculpted work of sun and muscle, tanned skin glowing in the soft light that spilled through the curtains. He was talking on the phone, his voice carrying that strange, foreign cadence—words and sounds Logan couldn’t quite grasp, but that filled thespace with a rhythm all their own. It was that rhythm, that lilting tone, that unsettled Logan in a way he couldn’t explain.
Just Adrian, he told himself. But it wasn’t just Adrian, was it? Nothing here was just anything. The air between them felt thick with something that buzzed, something that hummed, something that grew in the silent spaces between their breaths.
Logan tried to ignore the pull of it—the way Adrian’s broad shoulders moved and rippled with each movement, the way his muscles moved beneath his skin like currents in the deep sea. But the more he tried, the more it seeped in. Every little thing about Adrian, his quiet strength, the way his eyes caught the light, his kind smile, tugged at Logan’s resolve.
Shaking himself, Logan grabbed his phone, needing to ground himself in something familiar. It was a habit now, to check in with his mom every few days, to send a text and remind her that he was okay, that he was still out there in the world, doing the thing he loved. He typed her a quick message, then added one for Ann, his younger sister, the words light with affection, a smile creeping onto his face. His mom replied almost instantly, as if she were holding the phone, constantly waiting for the moment Logan would reach out.
I miss you so much. Are you really spending all this time by yourself? Please stay safe. I love you, and we’re waiting for you back home. Dad misses you too.
