With a hollow ache in my soul, I turned away from the woman who had stolen my heart, and I drove west, trying not to look back at what I was leaving behind.
CHAPTER 33
SHELBY
Easter morning, I dragged myself out of bed. Carter had left Ferris the day before, and he’d taken my blue sky with him. My whole world had taken on the muted gray tones of an old newsreel, all the color drained out of it.
I went through the motions of my morning chores. As always, first I fed the girls. Their excitement perked me up a little, but I felt a little too much kinship with them this morning. I, too, would pop out unfertilized eggs until my body stopped making them. Yes, chickens went through menopause, and yes, we called it “henopause.”
Oh, well, at least with all my birds, I won’t die alone. I’ll die unloved and sexually unfulfilled, but not alone.It wasn’t much consolation but it was helping me get through the day.
This was day two without Carter, and the wound was still fresh. I could still smell him on my sheets. I could still hear him tell me he loved me as he thrust inside me.
That memory would be running through my mind forever, especially when I touched myself in my lonely bedroom, still finding warmth in that perfect spring day when the universe had aligned to bring Carter and me together.
Our worlds should have never collided, and we should have never resonated on harmonious frequencies the way we did. Despite coming from different worlds, we ended up having way more in common than I had expected. Two people struggling with complicated family legacies, trying to overcome the past. A daughter and a son trying to fix their parents’ mistakes.
Once the important chores were finished, I went inside to get cleaned up. Later, I would finish up a few other odds and ends, but I had promised Lila I would go to the morning Easter service with her. I wasn’t particularly religious, but it was a tradition for me. I had been going to church on Easter since I was a child, even when the town hated me.
And last night, Lila had texted me she would drive out here and drag me into town if I skipped this year. I believed her.
All I wanted was to be alone and have a proper sulk, but Lila was a firm believer in pushing through things. As I showered, I had to admit a distraction would be nice. The farm held too many memories of Carter. Not just in the barn, either, which I had begun to think of as the Love Shack.
Carter had spent days working out here with me. He’d been all over, inside the house and out. His presence was sorely missed.
I put on some nice clothes, a lavender skirt and blouse that were formal but still fit the Easter vibe. I wasn’t in the mood for celebrating, but I had put the outfit together before I knew I would be sad. If I’d known, I would have prepped something in all black. Maybe something with a full funeral veil.
I met up with Lila and Jake outside the church. People were filing in and chatting on the wide steps, catching up on gossip about who had the most sins to atone for.
“There she is,” Lila said. “You’re alive.”
“Am I?”
“Yes,” she said with a laugh. “You are the toughest chick I know. If anyone can get through this, it’s you.”
“The toughest chick I know was a hen who fought off a fox,” I said. “But I appreciate the support.”
“How are you holding up, Shelby?” Jake asked.
“Oh, you know.” I shrugged. “Living in misery.”
He laughed. “At least you’ve still got your sense of humor.”
“Well, yeah, my life is a joke,” I said sourly.
Lila laughed and pulled me in for a hug, which I gratefully accepted. “We’re gonna get through this. Now let’s go inside. These heels are already killing me.”
We grabbed a pew and sat. Big flower arrangements decorated the space, using all white flowers, mostly lilies. Those were my favorite. The flowers lifted my spirits a little. Nothing would heal the soul-deep agony of losing Carter, but looking at something beautiful made it easier to forget how ugly the world could be.
The service started, and it was nice. Fitting for the holiday, the theme was rebirth. We fall, we rise. Never give up hope.
I agreed with the sentiment, but no amount of hope would bring Carter back to me. Maybe it was time to hope for something else. Turn my focus back to the farm, where it had been before Carter had broken down on the side of the road in the rain, triggering my mother-hen instinct to take in a wayward straggler.
I let out a long breath that was louder than I had intended. I hadn’t been trying to sigh dramatically like a teenager. It just happened naturally.
Lila patted my knee without looking at me, and I really did appreciate that I wasn’t totally alone in the world. Carter was gone, Shane was mad at me, and my parents were still on my shit list. But Lila and Jake were like a brother and sister, and they genuinely wanted to make me feel better.
They couldn’t, but it was nice they wanted to.
