She was all I had left, and I’d do everything in my fucking power to make sure she was safe, and happy, and fucking healthy. You know why? That’s what a good fucking dog parent does.
V
Icurled up inRocket’s bed, staring at the wall, and wondering how the hell I messed things up so badly for him. I didn’t care how awful I was feeling right now. As far as I could tell, I deserved the misery. He’d done nothing but be kind, be sweet, be supportive. He’d reached out to me for friendship, matched my sass word for word, and given me so much, and what did I give him in return? Rejection, uncertainty, and what he thought was nothing more than rebound sex. Itwasmore. It was so much more. It wasn’t just sex. You don’t feel like that when it’s just sex. It was more, and I couldn’t even tell him. I’d sent him text after text. I’d tried phoning him more than twenty times, but every time, I just received an automated messaging service. It was like he was just gone from the world. No longer existing?
Oh god. I sat up with a gasp. Please tell me he didn’t do something stupid to himself. Please tell me I wasn’t the last straw. This world was no good without him in it, why the hell couldn’t he see that?
Someone tapped on the door. Not knocking, not the pounding of fists I’d grown accustomed to. A knock. Before I could answer, the door popped open and an unexpected face peeped in. And by peeped, I mean they held a hand over their eyes as they leaned in.
“V? Okay if I come in?”
I waved him in, adding my voice since he couldn’t see me, and he disappeared for a moment, reappearing with two mugs of coffee in his hands. He offered me a sad smile, as he hovered by the side of the bed that Rocket normally slept in. The side Iwas still avoiding, because in my mind, in my heart, it was his. He offered me one of the mugs, and I took it gratefully, wrapping my hands around it, even though it was far too hot for that to be comfortable. I deserved the pain too. For every second of it I’d caused Rocket.
“Has-Been, uh you’re here…”
He nodded briefly, his blue eyes smiling with his lips. I could see how his boyish features would appeal to some. Not me though. I liked my man rugged and sassy.
“I just wanted to check on you. Micro said you’ve been hanging in here since Rocket left.”
He grimaced when he said Micro’s name, but just a little, almost like he didn’t fully like the man, but mostly respected him. Whatever, that was his deal, not mine.
“I appreciate that, but I don’t deserve anyone’s concern. I fucked up Rocket’s life, and I can’t even… even apologise!” I practically wailed that last word, as tears burned their way out of my eyes at last. I’d been holding back ever since I got here, but kindness, that’s what always breaks a person. Or me. Apparently I break them too though. All I had to do was be fucking open with him, but I couldn’t even do that.
“Aw love, don’t go beating up on yourself. Rocket’s been hurting for a long while, and even though he thinks he hid it, more of us noticed than he realises. Uh, can I?”
He gestured to the spot beside me, Rocket’s place, and I hesitated, something he caught instantly.
“No, I get it. Let me come around to your side. You need a hug right now, and I can offer that.” Before I could stop him, he’d dumped his and my coffee on the small bedside table, and sat beside me, drawing me into his arms as I sobbed. The smell of his leather cut immediately reminded me of Rocket, of what I’d lost, and I couldn’t hold any of the pain back anymore. Has-Beenrubbed my back gently, murmuring things I couldn’t fully hear, but the low buzz of his voice was soothing in its own way.
I finally caught the sound of another voice, a woman, and lifted my head to see a beautiful young blonde woman sitting beside Has-Been, holding out tissues for me.
“Uh… hi…” I croaked out as I tried to mop my face without any disgusting sounds, knowing I probably looked like a hot mess either way.
“I’m Elise,” she said softly, passing me more tissues.
“She’s my old lady, love. We both wanted to make sure you’re okay. You know you’re not to blame for Rocket’s decisions, right? That’s him. He’s… he’s a great fucking guy, but he makes snap decisions, and sees betrayal everywhere. One day, get him to tell you about his parents, and his upbringing. It’ll shed some light on stuff for ya.”
“Bit difficult to do that when he’s not fucking here,” I hissed, immediately shaking my head at myself.
“Sorry,” I gasped, seeing even more how the problem is me, it’s always me. It always had been, and maybe always would.
“It’s okay to be upset, V… is that what everyone calls you?” Elise asked uncertainly, and I nodded, before she continued. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, I really can’t.”
“I can,” Has-Been murmured fiercely, tucking her under his arm and kissing her temple. Wow. I wanted that. I wanted it, and I fucking had it, but I wasted it. I squandered it. I let it slip through my fingers, and I broke a man in the process.
“All I said was that we were moving too fast,” I whispered, shoving aside all the tissues, and grabbing my coffee again. Has-Been followed suit, passing it to Elise to sip from, before she passed it back to him.
“It’s okay to feel that way. You just came out of a serious relationship too, right?”
I shrugged. “So I married a complete cunt… oh my god! I don’t say that word, I never say it. Rocket… he… he says it,” I admitted brokenly, “and I’d give anything to chew him out for saying it in front of me right now. The truth is I was scared I was using him. That I was rebounding all over his…him.” They both bit back smiles and gestured at me to keep going. Oh, they wanted it all, and they’d probably regret it, but maybe hearing it out loud again would help me understand why I let it happen.
“My ex was messaging the hell out of me today, and I was ignoring him. Told him to get fucked. You know the kinda thing. Anyway, he turned up at my work, badgered me in person, I came back with some sarcastic shit, and Rocket happened to walk in. He assumed I was seriously considering going back to Ted, and he left. I never got a chance to tell him he was being an idiot. I never wanted anyone else. It’s him. Of course it’s him!”
Has-Been tugged his phone from his pocket and read something on it, deflating a little.
“Ice and Grease are trying to track him down, but his phone’s gone dark. He’s off the grid.”
Shit. Not only out of reach, but choosing to stay that way. Maybe forever.
