Minutes later, Soraya walked out of my apartment and possibly my life without hesitation. Given the deep emotional and physical connection that I thought we’d both experienced, I’d been caught off guard by her certainty that we were already done.
Third surprise in less than twenty-four hours, and I didn’t know if I could handle any more.
With my stomach in knots and mind in turmoil about how Soraya left and how Jussica entered my world, I kept myself busy cleaning my already tidy three-bedroom condo. I stripped my sheets and washed them. Vacuumed more out of habit than necessity and used ChatGPT to figure out what snacks to buy for Jussica. Searched for girl furniture online at Pottery Barn for my guest room that would have to be converted for her.Did she like pink or was she a lilac girl? Did she prefer dolls or stuffed animals? Would it bother me if she preferred sports or toy guns? Would she become a daddy’s girl or always prefer her mother, who’d been there for her always when I didn’t have a chance?
I didn’t want to buy her affection, though at the same time I wanted her to know that her father could afford whatever her heart desired. I would have to decide if a private school was a better choice than the public one she probably attended. If Cherry…Mara drove an Uber to make extra money. I doubt Jussica attended private school. I ignored my mother’s daily call because I hadn’t yet figured out how to tell her that she had a grandchild. Being happy about the new situation would be an understatement. Mama would be ecstatic. She’d long given up the idea that her thirty-something son would ever have a child when I shut her down anytime, she remotely approached the topic.
Yes, she would be thrilled. I just wasn’t quite ready for the added pressure to follow. Either making it work with Jussica’s mother or finding a wife to help me raise my daughter. Funny how when Soraya asked if I wanted to get with Cherry, my answer had been an instinctual no, though I didn’t really know Cherry. Shit. Mara. Her real name is Mara.
I’d dated enough to know what women would keep my attention and those who wouldn’t. Soraya had me for months, and last night was the longest amount of time we’d ever spent in each other’s presence. I’d never pursued a woman that long. Either she gave in, or I realized that she wasn’t worth my time. Soraya was different and not just because she wouldn’t give me the time of day. Her cool energy and no-nonsense vibe flowed with mine. Seeing her in the morning on her way to work brightened my day, and flirting with her as we walked from the parking garage re-energized me after a long day.
Telling her about Jussica seemed natural. Seemed right. Soraya wanted to comfort me when I didn’t realize I needed it. I’d been content that she shared a meal and listened to me. That she wanted to be under me surprised me. Okay…I wasn’t surprised that she wanted to…I sensed her attraction to me fromthe very start. I’d been pleasantly caught off guard when she lowered her armor and curled up under me, like I was where she’s supposed to be. She would’ve never kissed me first. She’d made her move, and it was up to me to take it to the next level.
And Soraya had been more than worth the wait.
Contrary to what she believed, I wasn’t trying to control our situation. I wanted more time with her. More time to explore something I’d never experienced with a woman. More time to explore what that something was. The only reason I’d even considered leaving Soraya alone was that I didn’t know how my life would change or how she felt about being with a man who had a child. For years, I’d worn my childlessness as a badge. Women loved that it was just me and no other permanent woman in the background or a child to split my attention. I didn’t date single mothers for those reasons. I believed that a man needed to be intentional when dating a mother or at least be clear that it was only a situationship. It wasn’t fair to children to keep getting attached to people who disappear.
My mother kept her dating life separate until I left for college, and I appreciated her for it, though I did wish that she had found a good man willing to give her his name. She’d loved my father deeply, and maybe in his own way, he loved her too. He never wanted children, and when she became pregnant with me, he left. Waves of hurt and disappointment used to overwhelm me whenever I saw children with their fathers, especially because I played sports and I grew up in a middle-class neighborhood where most families were headed by two parents.
I remember being irritable and embarrassed that only my mother sat in the audience at my Senior Awards Day. Until the coach called my name and my usually reserved mother jumped up and down, whistling loudly, her face glowing with love and pride. Watched her beam that she managed to raise a bright,intelligent, and focused young man who had never been in any type of trouble, all on her own. At that moment, I no longer perceived us as a statistic or a dysfunctional family, and my father no longer lived rent-free in my head. Mama and I were as perfect a family as we could ever be. And now she and I would be a family of three.
The sound of the doorbell stopped my channel surfing on the sofa, and my stomach knotted painfully. Moment of truth. Once I opened the door, my life as I knew it would forever change. I barely turned the knob when Jussica pushed through the door and smashed into me.
“Whoa, little one.” I chuckled as I rubbed her back, relishing her little arms around my waist. My constricted lungs finally expanded from the ball of warmth and happiness of Jussica’s embrace.
Mara stood at the door, her forehead puckered, drenched in worry and frustration. “I know you wanted to tell her yourself, but she’s very persistent and inquisitive.”
“I still can.” I looked down at the round, pretty face peering back up at me, with her snaggle-tooth smile. “I’m your father, and I am so glad to be a part of your world. You’re stuck with me, now.”
She frowned. “I always wanted a daddy, not a father.”
“I’m both. Is that okay?” I asked, marveling that this headstrong, little burst of energy really was mine.
Jussica shrugged. “As long as I can call you ‘Daddy’.”
My heart clenched, and I whistled at the gravity of the word I’d never called anyone. “Yeah, you can call me that.”
Mara nodded, and her drawn face relaxed. “Let your… um…daddy breathe so we can come inside.”
I smiled. “Yes, need to show you around. We can order whatever you want to eat, and we can start working on your bedroom.”
She squealed and jumped up and down. “I get my own room?”
“Of course.” She took off toward the bedrooms at the back of the condo, and I chuckled as I addressed Mara. “We have a lot to talk about.”
“I know,” Mara humbly replied, guilt forcing her eyes away from mine.
“Right now, I just want to enjoy her. Will figure out the rest later.” I walked away before the anger burdened my shoulders again. Somehow, I would learn to forgive Mara. Like Jussica, I was stuck with her, too.
FOUR
soraya
Missingwhat you had always hurts more than what you never had. A month of Sundays had passed since the one I woke up to an empty bed. A month since the hurt in his eyes almost broke my resolve. A month since I felt the spring of hope in his arms despite my best intentions. I hated that I missed him. He’d been right that a shift would happen. I didn’t “accidentally” run into him anymore. Not in the hallway, elevator, garage, or the mailbox. He’d even given a proxy vote for the lifeguard at our monthly meeting, in which I managed to get parents to attend. The victory felt hollow in his absence. Maybe it was for the best that we only had one night together. If I missed him now, I would’ve been heartbroken had we really had the opportunity to date.
As I parked my car in my spot in the garage, my best friend, Andrea, called. I flopped back in my seat and kept the engine running so I could speak through my car. “Did I leave something?” She, I, and my other friend, Pedra, had brunch once a month.
“No. You seemed distracted at brunch. Checking on you.”
