“I can’t wait until I have another one.” He quietly said, a soft smile warming his face and his eyes glinting in the fading sun.
Question asked and answered.
NINE
jashaun
Sitting at my desk,I nursed my glass of McCallen 18. I kept a bottle in my office for after-hours or late meetings with my staff to ease away the stress of the day, and I’d had the day from hell. I stayed up late the night before, helping Jussica with her final science project, which she had waited until the last minute to tell me. Then we overslept, and our already forty-minute commute to her school across town took almost an hour and a half. To make matters worse, I’d forgotten I had an important meeting to review bids for ongoing highway construction. I had to wing it with what I could recall from the proposals I’d briefly reviewed a week ago. Luckily, most of the proposals were renewals. My tie came off the minute I returned to my office and plopped down in my chair.
I was exhausted and didn’t know when I would have a reprieve, given that we were heading into the end of a fiscal year and that all budgets, line items, and anything related to the functioning of my division had to comply with city regulations.
The liquor went smoothly down my throat. Its warmth slowly relaxed my tense shoulders and allowed air to pass more easily through my lungs. Lately, only sex and alcohol were my comfortand way to unwind, and I’d never been the person to rely on vices to chill. I turned my chair to stare out of my window.
From the sixteenth floor, I had an aerial view of Houston’s skyline. When I was a boy, I used to admire the skyscrapers and think that the people who worked in those buildings were the luckiest. My hard work and no-nonsense yet steady approach to my duties and colleagues made the climb to administration easier than I’d ever imagined. People search for their dream position, and I’d already attained it before I hit thirty. I loved my job and never dreaded Mondays. Now, I wanted to jump into bed with Sundays and hold on for dear life.
Dullness replaced the energy and drive I used to have. A numbness seemed to permeate my very being. Seeing Jussica or Soraya would give me a spark or a jump start, and then the empty feeling would return. Meeting the demands of fatherhood and a relationship exhausted me. Or should I say, trying to keep them apart took all I had. I used to think the phrase, “cheaper to keep her,” was about the money men saved by staying married. My interpretation differed now. It was easier to have an intact family and be married to the mother of your children. To truly share the upbringing, the love, and the triumphs and lows of life.
Mara called more, and only Jussica when she did. She refused to speak to me, and I didn’t want Jussica to see me go the fuck off, so I kept my distance whenever they did talk. Luckily for me, my daughter shared everything with me. Mara had been stationed in Los Angeles and enjoyed the process thus far. She looked forward to traveling the world, and during the summer, Jussica could travel with her too. I didn’t have the heart to tell Jussica that it would be a cold day in hell before I allowed Mara to take her out of Houston. I’d already spoken to my frat brother, who was also an attorney, about gaining full custody. Mara hadn’t quite abandoned Jussica since she contacted her daughter, left her with me, and currently serves in the ArmedForces. Yet my attorney believed we could build a case to keep Mara at least in Texas, if and when she returned to claim Jussica. No, Mara would never be an option for me, and the woman I wanted may no longer be one either.
The cool amber liquid heated my throat again as I emptied my glass and reread the text from Soraya.
Do you know how it feels to have a man and still attend this event alone? My trail ride club means the world to me. It’s as important as your fraternity. I hate that I feel you don’t trust me enough to give parenting advice or suggest a babysitter. Even my best friend isn’t good enough to watch Juss while we go to a place where you always go with your frat? I’m tired of taking the backseat to your life. It’s been almost three months, when will you formally introduce me to Jussica? I live next door and have to pretend we don’t mean anything to each other if I run into the two of you or if you need my help. I’m just the nice lady who lives next door, combs her hair, and buys her candy and toys. I can’t help but wonder if you’re being overprotective, or if this is your way of keeping me from being fully in your life. Think I need to put a pause on us. I need some space.
She sent the text last night, and I hadn’t responded. I’d been pissed at first that she would send a text instead of talking to me. Pissed that she didn’t see the sacrifices I made to be there for Jussica and her. Pissed that I should’ve kept my distance instead of insisting that we become a couple once I became a father.
One fucking event and she was ready to end us. Couldn’t she see my heart? That I’ve never let my guard down or been vulnerable with any woman other than my mother. She said she understood why I hadn’t introduced her to Jussica as my woman, yet this text…this silence shouted that she didn’t.
Not in the least.
This morning, the anger turned into sadness and regret. My body ached from the heaviness of loss. Made awakening harder after a late night. All day, I consumed myself with work, stubbornly pushing back any thought of Soraya. Her scent. Her eyes. Her smile that captured any words I was about to say when she flashed it unexpectedly. Her body seemed made for mine, and she loved to love on me. Her beautiful, competitive, and contrary mind challenged me every step of the way. I didn’t want to be without her. Just didn’t know how to be with Soraya, how she needed me to be, and be the father I had to be for Jussica.
The shrill ring of my cell interrupted my inner battle to ignore her text and demand we talk. My heart both soared and tightened at her flashing name.
“Hey.” I cooly greeted as I pushed from my chair to stand and stare out the window.
“That’s all I get? No response to my text?” She asked sharply.
“You told me you needed space. I’m giving you that.” My hand tightened around my cell. “I don’t play these games.”
“I’m not playing games. I have expressed to you how I feel, and you keep patting my head and doing whatever you were going to do anyway. I’m trying to get you to understand how much this is hurting me.”
My gut guiltily clenched at the plea in her voice. “Call or come see me if you have an issue with me. I don’t deserve a text ending our relationship.”
“And I don’t deserve to be hidden from your daughter, who you said yourself seems to have adjusted. We don’t have to be affectionate around her or force our love on her. But I actually care for her and want to get to know her. How can we move forward if I don’t spend time with your daughter when you two are a package deal?”
“And all I need is a little more time, then we can all spend more time together. She’ll be out of school for the summernext week, and we can take her somewhere together soon,” I suggested.
“Then, since you're hell-bent on keeping your daughter and me separate for now, make the best of our time, Jashaun.” Her voice sounded between a whine and frustration. “This event is important to me. I’ve been going to this one alone for years because inevitably I don’t have a man or a man I want to take. This year was supposed to be different. We would have so much fun competing the way we do at Flight Club. I’m okay with you going and then coming back home alone to be with Jussica. You’ve met Andrea and think she’s cool. She’s willing to babysit Jussica at your place. We’ll only be gone for three to four hours.”
“She’s not ready for that yet.” The more she pushed, the more I dug in, though what she suggested was reasonable.
“No,you’renot ready.” Soraya snapped. “The little girl I see loves people, and as long as you explain things to her, she’s fine. Haven’t you told me that she prefers to occupy herself with her toys and imagination in her room rather than watching TV? She won’t even notice Andrea or whoever you get to babysit.”
A knock on the door stopped me from responding.
“Someone’s at the door. Probably my mother and Jussica. I’ll call or come by after Jussica goes to sleep, okay?” I ran my free hand down the waves in my head.
“I can tell by your tone you’re not changing your mind. Don’t bother calling or coming by later, Jashaun. Bye.”
