“Is he?”
“That’s on you.” Jashaun’s gaze slid from mine.
“Wrong answer.” I released him, pulled my suitcase out of the closet, and dumped it on the bed.
“Where are you going?” His head jerked.
“Might be able to catch a late flight home, or I’ll pay for my own room.” I walked to the closet and pulled out the dresses that I had hung.
Jashaun plopped down on the edge of the bed beside my carry-on. “Whether he’s the better choice is on you. Not because I don’t have the best past with women.”
“Ever since I met you, you have been this confident, sometimes arrogant as hell man. Sure about what you want. And your answer to me is ‘that’s on you’ when you should have simply said, ‘I’m the better choice.’” I slam my dresses in my bag. “Come on, you have to see it from my perspective. We’re neighbors, and I see you all the time. We sleep together, and you ghost me for six weeks. Then, when we accidentally see each other, you claim me because you’re scared that I’m going to claim another man. You see who that man could possibly be, and then you get all possessive like I’m not my own woman.” I grabbed my heels off the floor.
“You left me like all you wanted was some good sex.” He reminded me. “And I don’t like another man’s hands on you and all in your face like I’m not there.”
“That alpha male macho shit isn’t cool to me. Willing to fight the man over me but not reassure me that I’m making the right choice. I don’t want to be a power move. I want to be yours.” I added my shoes to my bag. “Sam and I went to happy hour after work about three weeks ago, and from our conversation, he’s ready for the real. But all I see is you since we slept together. I can pretend that I’m good and ignore the nagging feeling that all this will blow up in my face because I’m already half in love with you. Or I can leave with my heart intact while I still can.”
I gestured out the window and around the beautiful suite that he’d reserved for us. “Got me dreaming of being like this with you forever when you don’t really want that.”
“Stop trying to tell me what you think I want.” Jashaun pushed my suitcase off the bed and grabbed me to him as we fell back on the soft mattress. He brushed back my hair with his hands to capture my face and studied me. “I’ve already lost my heart. You anchor me.”
My righteous anger dissipated into a distant memory as I looked down into his serious expression. The absence of the usual teasing light in his eyes clenched my stomach. His slightly hooded gaze sent tingles throughout my body. The determined set of his jaw told me more than any words that would follow. “I don’t know who I am right now. On the surface, I’m still going to work every day. Had my guest room changed into a little girl’s dream, like it was nothing when it was everything. My home isn’t my home anymore. My life isn’t my life anymore. I decided to become a father without much thought because it was adecision. Mara made it so. I could’ve let her drive away and pretend that Jussica’s father waited at home for her. If I had, would we have had that moment by the pool? Would you have givenme a chance? Despite the turmoil and sleepless nights, Jussica is a decision that I would make all over again. She brought unimaginable joy and love to my life. She brought you.”
Vulnerability relaxed his face and eased the tenseness in his muscles, and I couldn’t look away from him. I’d become his safe space, a space where he could lay down his burdens and be real with me. A space that I’d always wanted to create for a man.
“I feel so out of control despite what I might appear to you. Not sure of myself or what the fuck I’m doing. I never had a father, not even a grandfather, to guide me. Never saw love between my parents. So, what the hell do I know about being with a woman long term? Can I be who she needs me to be? Can I give her what she wants? Can I trust her with all that I am? Giving her my heart and soul and, somehow, I fuck it up? I’ve been running from love my whole adult life. Until my daughter forced me to stop running.” His gaze steadied on mine.
“The moment I saw you sitting in the car, a peace I hadn’t felt in weeks settled over me. These last few days with you were the me I know. Yes, I did cling to you. Selfishly, not allowing anyone to engage with you, trying to hold on tome. Trying to be the Jashaun Howard that I’ve always been before I became Jussica’s father. Then Sam reminded me of Ocean, the side of me that ain’t no damn good for a woman like you. And I got scared that you would go back to seeing me the way that you did when I’m not that person. At least not anymore.” His thumb traced my lower lip. “I can’t lose my anchor. I can’t lose you. Please stay.”
Jashaun’s hands curved to my cheeks, and he lifted enough to slide his tongue into my mouth. Kissing me slowly, whispering how much he wanted and needed me. Returning his ardor, I pressed him back into the mattress and brushed heated kisses over his chin and down his neck. Button by button, I slowly tasted his slightly salty skin, his stiff nipples, his taut abs,and his defined Adonis belt, and finally his dick as I undressed him while he closed his eyes, allowing me to take care of him.
SEVEN
jashaun
“We needto put the baby in gymnastics,” Mama said from her perch on my sofa as soon as I walked through my front door on Friday afternoon. I’d gone straight to Soraya’s place once we arrived home since Jussica was already in school. We were both off and spent the day in bed, talking and getting to know each other better. I reluctantly left when it was almost time to pick up Jussica from school and returned to my condo to a fussy mother. “She isn’t involved in any activities. With her energy, she could run track or be a cheerleader. She told me she wanted to do Girl Scouts. You and her mama got to get her in something. Time is ticking.”
Being the only child of Jaquel Marie Howard wasn’t always easy. She put all her hopes and abandoned dreams into me. She worked hard as a nurse to put me in any imaginable activity. I played all sports, learned Karate and the drums, and was in some sort of educational enrichment camp every summer. Until she got sick, and my activities took a backseat for two years.
“Mama, how about I walk outside and come back in, and you sound happy to see me.” I went back outside and walked in. “Hey, my first favorite girl in the world.”
She played along and opened her arms wide, her long locs swaying. “Hey, my big baby.”
I bent to hug her tightly and kiss her cheek. “Thank you. And yes, I had a good trip, and yes, I’ll get her involved in something. We’re still trying to work out schedules first, and she’s seven.”
“And we’re already behind. We don’t know what that girl will grow up to be.”
“You're right, we don’t. Again, she’s seven.” I backed away and checked my mail on the counter. “You want to come with me to pick her up?”
“No, I only stayed here long enough to be sure that you would be back in time to get her, since you don’t know the meaning of call when you get in.” She looked around my place that had been tidied. “I cleaned up for you. You can’t let it get that bad again.”
“It’s been a lot.” I tossed the mail on the table and slouched against one of my barstools.
Mama placed her hands on her hips. “You have to learn to set limits. She’s old enough to clean up after herself and help you clean. Anytime I asked her to do anything, she would talk back and say, ‘My daddy doesn’t make me do that’. Hmph…she soon learned not to tell me that.”
“We’re not laying hands on her, Mama,” I said sternly. Maybe if I had a son, I would feel different. Just didn’t feel right to hit a girl. Never wanted her to get used to a man laying hands on her, including me.
“Oh, I didn’t touch her. I have my own ways to keep that little girl in line just like I did with you.” She chuckled. “She is too much like you were. I learned when you were barely five that hitting you was a waste of time. Your negotiating skills made it hard to stay mad because I couldn’t hide my laughter.”
