She’s right about that. “I know your heart is in the right place, but talking about my sex life with my twin sister isn’t my jam. But if you must know, I don’t want to have to explain my injuries to a woman. To have sex, you have to remove clothes. Women don’t seem to have the ability to keep quiet.”
“We are typically chatty bitches, huh,” she muses with a smile. “I have to think there’s at least one woman out there who will respect your boundaries, Leo. Both emotional and physical ones. Have you thought about looking into a, uh, service?”
My mouth drops open as I stare at my twin incredulously. “You did not just suggest I find an escort or prostitute.”
Gianna’s eyes fail to meet mine as she glances all around us. “When you word it like that, it sounds much worse than what I intended.”
“Whatever you intended, the answer is no. I will not use a ‘service’” — I use air quotes — “to find a woman to sleep with me. If, and when, I want to fuck, I’ll figure it out.”
“If?” she screeches. “Holy shit, Leo!If? Have you not had sex since?”
Well, fuck. “Go home, Gia. I’m not talking about this with you.”
I feel her hand tentatively grip mine, and I look down to find her studying me. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Or Travis. We’re a safe space for you.”
I know she means well. Truly. But the demons hounding me from the past eight years are too much for her to handle. That’s why I stay alone. Cut off. Isolated. Because no one will ever be able to fix me.
ELLA
“Iknow, sweetie,” I soothe, jostling Violet. Her face resembles her name, a reddish-purple, as she screams her lungs out. “If I could put you down, I’d be able to make your bottle faster.”
Her hands grab onto my shirt tightly, as if she understands exactly what I said. Violet is only six months old. I’m fairly sure she doesn’t comprehend much of anything except for milk, sleep, and her favorite pacifier.
Well, that’s not entirely true. Violet clearly knows that I’m not her mother. My sister, Ember, is. I mean was. My sister was her mother.
Ember was my best friend. I was there through everything. When she found out she was pregnant by a one-night stand — and then a second time — I stood beside her. I was with her when she delivered Violet. I was there when Violet smiled at Ember for the first time, and I was there when Ember told me she’d had a will written up, as a precaution, listing me as Violet and her older brother Oliver’s, guardian.
I just never thought it would happen so soon.
Ember was killed in a car accident when Violet was two months old. Fortunately, Violet wasn’t with her. She was with me, while Ember ran to the next town over to grab some supplies for our cat showcase/bookstore, Purrfect Books. On the way back, shewas hit by an elderly driver in the midst of a medical emergency. I was told she died instantly.
Violet hasn’t really smiled since. She’ll smirk on occasion. But a beautiful gummy grin? Nope.
“Okay, baby girl, I got it. Here you go,” I say quietly, then laugh as she grabs the bottle with gusto. Her eyes don’t leave mine as she begins to inhale the formula. Eyes the exact same shade as her mother’s. While mine are more sky blue, Violet has ice blue eyes. They’re almost unnerving when she’s focused on you, like she’s systematically dissecting every part of your psyche.
Quickly walking to the rocking chair in the corner of my living room, I sit with a long sigh. Life hasn’t exactly gone to plan. I’m raising my sister’s children, living in a three-bedroom apartment I can’t really afford, and am in danger of losing my bookstore because it’s falling apart around me, but I don’t have the funds to fix everything up.
I don’t know where I can go to wave my tattered, white flag, but I keep looking. Things have to get better, right?
I always knew I would live in a small town. Growing up in Silver Mist Falls, a town a couple hours west of Denver, I loved the quaint area. My best friends and I would play on my cousin’s ranch, oblivious to anything around us. My cousin, Ally, knew she’d inherit the ranch someday, and had detailed plans for what she’d do to it. Some little girls play wedding, mom, or teacher. We played veterinarian, barrel racer, and animal rescue. Surrounded by those girls, I was at my happiest.
So when my parents announced we had to move to Eternity Springs because my father had lost his job, I was devastated. I may not have known what I wanted to do with my entire life like Ally, but I knew I wanted to live in Silver Mist Falls forever. I cried for weeks after we moved, and barely made any friends at my new school that year. It wasn’t until the following year that I opened myself up to friendships and began to show interest in the opposite sex. Specifically, one person of the opposite sex.
Leo Santo.
I saw him before he saw me. I watched how alert he was, how he seemed to memorize things around him without saying a word. It took months before I gained the courage to smile at him, and even longer before we spoke. I was halfway in love with him before we had our first date, and could barely contain the words once he admitted his feelings toward me.
Then he joined the Army, and life seemingly got harder and harder. I begged him to come home, he begged me to move away from Eternity Springs. We’d break up, last a few months, then get back together. I felt like I could barely function without Leo, but it was even worse when he was deployed. I had nightmares all the time. I’d imagine the impeccably dressed soldiers coming to my door to tell me he was gone. Ridiculous, honestly, because we weren’t married, so they’d have to go to Leo’s parents to deliver the news. Then I’d wonder which of Leo’s brothers would be tasked with telling me about his death. Years ago, I’d been close with his twin, Gianna. We drifted apart, mostly due to the constant break ups and make ups, undoubtedly.
Eight years ago, when he hinted at a reenlistment, and again suggested I move to North Carolina, I’d had enough. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was withering away, spending days like I was walking in a fog, waiting for what I’d deemed as the inevitable. How could I survive losing him? I decided my only option was to do it on my terms. End the relationship and move on. I figured since he was two thousand miles away, I could manage it.
Honestly, I never thought he’d end up at home again, after almost losing his life.
That first time I ran into him, while babysitting Oliver, had rocked me to my core. Leo had looked down at Oliver, and the shutters that he’d immediately put up had been a shock. Eyes that had appeared full of pain were then completely devoid of emotion. He addressed me by name, and then stepped around me. “Ella.”
I hadn’t spoken to him since, three years later. I’d only seen hima handful of times, and he completely ignored me. He looks almost the same, but harder. And he limps. For the most part, he covers it up well. But I know him. Well, I knew him. I memorized every inch of his skin, all of his mannerisms, and his moods. No one knew him better than me. I can tell when he’s hurting. And every single time I’ve seen him in the past three years, I know he’s hurting more than he’ll let on to anyone.
If I had to guess, he’s hurting more emotionally than physically.
