“I absolutely despise ending a session like this, Leo. I never want to send someone away when they’re angry. I want you to go home, thinking about your emotions right now. Name them. Write down exactly how you feel. When you’re this angry, how does your body feel? Does your pulse race or your breathing increase? Do you feel like you could snap at anyone for just about anything,even if it really isn’t their fault? Then I want you to write down the opposite emotion. So if you’re angry, you write jovial. If you’re sad, write down happy. We’re teaching your brain to rewire itself, Leo. Every time you feel a new emotion, write it down in your notebook, and we’ll discuss it all next week.”
After shaking Josh’s hand, thankful he doesn’t comment on how my hand trembles in his, I leave his clinic a bundle of taut nerves. God, I’m so fucking pissed. I stop by my car, reaching up to grab handfuls of hair. I pull it hard, hoping the pain helps to ease some of the aching in my heart, but all it seems to do is exacerbate it. I hate this.
I hate that my brain is fucked up.
I hate how my friends are dead.
I hate that my parents walk on eggshells around me.
I hate that the love of my life broke my heart.
I hate that she moved on and got the family I wanted.
I hate her.
But I don’t actually hate her at all. Quite the opposite, which makes me furious. Nodding my head, I unlock my car, jump in, and decide I’m telling Ella exactly what I think.
Thirty minutes later, I’m beating on Ella’s apartment door, consequences be damned. It’s only as I hear her unlocking the door that I realize the kids may be asleep, and I’m momentarily chagrined. As Ella opens the door, I find her wearing another one of my old shirts. It’s an old Eternity Springs High School wrestling shirt, and she probably stole it back then too. It only heightens my fervor.
“Where are the kids?” I blurt out, my breathing ragged and audible. The hallway is hot. Why is it so fucking hot? I whip off my coat, attempting to cool off, and catch the quick glance Ella does as her eyes track down and back up.
“Whitley has them tonight. She said I deserved a break. Are you okay, Leo? Your face is red,” Ella says quietly, studying me in that edifying way she’s always done where I could never tell a lie because she’d home in on it immediately.
Fuck this.
Reaching out, I step into Ella’s apartment, my hand simultaneously cupping her neck, my thumb over her throat, and I feel her swallow harshly. I feel her quick intake of breath as she steps backward, but I track her. Slamming the apartment door, I follow her across the room until she’s backed against the wall. Her pulse beats wildly under my thumb, and her eyes are wide as she waits for me to speak. “I’m so fucking mad at you, Ella. So mad. You broke me. I’m fucking broken because of you, God dammit!”
I watch as her eyes fill with tears, but it doesn’t satisfy me to see her pain or guilt. It just fuels me even more. “You could have talked to me about things. Why didn’t you trust me enough to be honest? We’d been together for that long, and you couldn’t even tell me the truth about what you were feeling. You waited until you broke up with me to admit you’d been struggling. How can I fix something I don’t know is broken? How fucked up is that?”
“You would have heard what you wanted to hear, Leo,” she states, her voice remarkably clear and strong. I’m momentarily struck by how proud I am of the woman Ella has become. She doesn’t get rattled by every little thing, and she holds her head high. “If you can honestly stand here and tell me that our breakup was out of the blue, and that you had no idea I was struggling, then you’re completely full of it.”
“I would have done anything for you,” I say passionately. “I would have come home. I swear.”
Ella shakes her head as the tears fall. “And I would have felt awful about that. I wanted you to come home because you wanted to. Not because of me. If I’d asked, and you came home, I knew the guilt I’d feel would be insurmountable. I couldn’t do that.”
“Then why couldn’t you move to be with me? Why? I’d havedropped everything for you. It would have been amazing, El. But you wouldn’t even give it a chance,” I say quietly, my own vision blurring. Leaning my forehead against hers, I align my body so as much of me as possible touches her. Breathing her in, I whisper, “I don’t know how to un-break me. I don’t know how to move on from you. And worst of all, I know I don’t want to.”
ELLA
The anguish in Leo’s voice is almost my undoing.
I could tell by his knock that he was keyed up. I didn’t expect to be backed into a wall as soon as I opened the door, but here we are.
Every inch of him vibrates with energy. Leo always had this enigmatic aura around him that seemed to swirl through the air, but tonight, he’s even more intense than usual. As tense as he appears, his hand still cups my neck tenderly, his thumb absentmindedly stroking my skin.
“I want to hate you, Ella,” he says, his voice growly as his hot breath dances across my skin. “But I can’t. How am I supposed to move on when all I can think about is consuming you?”
Holy hell.
My hands find purchase on his waist, gripping his shirt tightly. He drops his jacket at our feet, and his hand slides over my hip to the top of my ass. His fingers flex, and I let out a tiny moan. “I forgot how you taste, Ladybug. I can’t remember the sounds you make when you come on my tongue, or how it feels to have you clench around me. As much as I think I should walk away, because this won’t end well, I fucking can’t, because I might die tonight if I don’t fuck you.”
“Please,” I rasp, my body shaking with adrenaline. It’s been so long since I’ve been touched by a man. Well, since Leo. He’s theonly man I’ve ever been with. The only kiss, caress, and lovemaking. Every first of mine has been his. “Leo,please.”
“Fuck,” he croaks, crashing our lips together in a passionate kiss. Letting go of my neck, he grabs both of my thighs, boosting me to wrap my legs around his waist. My hands drift into his hair, noting how much thicker it is, loving how he groans into my mouth as my nails scratch against his scalp. He’s ravenous for me, and I for him, as my hips begin moving on their own accord, pressing down against his bulge to find the best friction. But he’s wearing a belt, and it’s poking against me.
Sensing what I need, Leo jams a hand between us, undoing his belt. He shimmies his jeans down slightly, just enough for his cock to bounce out, and it hits my clit perfectly. I’m wearing very thin panties under Leo’s old wrestling shirt, and I recognize the exact second he notices. “Goddamn, baby.”
God damn is right. I need him. Right now. Right here. I know how perfect it feels to be filled by him, and I have to have him. “Leo,I need you. Right fucking now.”
