Mas Bibu had been radiating it all along.
My thoughts were cut short when, from ahead, I was suddenly pulled into a fierce embrace. Zeraiah wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. With his body trembling, my hands rose as fast as I could to return the hug, stroking his shoulders in an attempt to soothe him.
Over Zeraiah’s back, my eyes met Zioh’s. He was looking at us with an empty, trembling gaze. His body slackened, and heat welled up behind my eyes. His pale face stared at Zeraiah and me with his dead-eyed gaze.
“Biba…” Zeraiah croaked, his voice shaking. “What should I do?” He began to sob. “Mu-Mum,” he choked out.
My heart felt as though it would stop. My own body shook so hard I could barely stand. “Biba… Mum…”
58
Zioh
I jolted awake.
Drenched in sweat, my breath came in and out too fast. I lifted my hand to my throat, because it felt bound as though wrapped in sharp thorns. The pain was genuine—too real. Unable to contain it, I forced myself to my feet.
With a quick motion, I turned to my side and saw Tshabina, still fast asleep beside me. Her face was calm and peaceful, her breath soft and steady. I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was four in the morning.
Another nightmare.Again.
But this time, it felt real.
Or maybe…
A chill wrapped around me, and my heartbeat hammered against my ribs. My hand trembled as I reached for Tshabina. The warmth of her skin grounded me, and I clung tighter until a faint groan slipped from her lips. I couldn’t bring myself to stop. I needed her warmth, the pulse beneath my fingers. I kept holding her for a while, and when her warmth spread through my skin, I blinked, forcing my eyes to focus on her face, and a slow breath of relief escaped me.
It had been five days since the nightmare, where I had dreamt I’d made a terrible mistake in the hall. I remembered how it was when I woke, screaming like I’d lost my mind while looking for Tshabina. My thoughts spun out of control. I was crushed, like something enormous had fallen upon me.
Only Tshabina’s presence that morning kept me steady. Since then, I begged her to stay with me. To keep me company. And without hesitation, she did.
Only for me.
I felt it, her warmth still by my side, but my body felt like nothing more than an empty casing, while my spirit wandered through darkness.
That was what it felt like.
Darkness.
No drive. No spark. Even concentrating was impossible. I also hadn’t been able to go to work, and Mas Zaeem had been helping me with that.
Because you’re crazy and you always will be.
“Can’t you lot shut up?” I whispered, before realising Tshabina was still asleep beside me. Quietly, I kissed her cheek, then slipped out of the room. “Please… shut up,” I muttered—no, beggingthem.Then I put my AirPods in.
I let out a long breath.
I just wanted to lie down, hug Tshabina, and stop this dark circle. But I knew I had to endure it, because I had to leave. After everything, Mas Zaeem finally called my therapist. Perhaps he’d realised how far gone I’d been these past weeks.
My therapist, Mrs Handerson, couldn’t come because she was away for weeks, so her former assistant, Ms Yang, was sent in her place. She insisted I call her Ladie.
Not only that… Zaeem also reached out to my psychiatrist. Dr Margareth had complained I hadn’t replied to her messages, especially when she needed to check if I was still taking my medication.
Shit.
« -- * -- »
I was back at this estate again, because I had to see Ladie. Earlier today, Zaeem picked me up after I dropped Tshabina off at her home, as I always did. But these past few days had been different. She usually asked to be dropped off a few houses before her house, but lately she had wanted tobe left at a cafe or on a street before we had even reached her neighbourhood.
