Lance had brought Tanner back to his house. He’d passed out on the way home, drained from the panic attack.After helping him into the house, Lance pulled him into the shower, held him upright, washing away his tears and nervous sweat. By the time Lance guided him to the bed and tucked him under the covers, Tanner was no longer confused or fearful. Gazing at Lance with a worried frown, he felt deeply ashamed of his behavior.
“I’m sorry,” Tanner finally broke his silence just as Lance headed for the bedroom door. He paused, wondering if Tanner would say anything else, but he just sighed and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.
Lance left the room to head downstairs to wait for Mark and Cameron. He’d asked Mark to bring her with him so the three of them could form a plan to help Tanner. When Mark and Cameron knocked on the door a few minutes later, Lance invited them in, wondering if Cameron was going to light into him for not taking better care of her brother. But she hugged him instead. Fiercely.
“Thank you,” she said, words muffled by his shirt. Lance returned her hug, sighing with relief that there would be no ass kicking after all. Then she stepped back and sat down next to Mark on the couch.
“What happened?” Cameron asked.
“Guess we’ll know more in the morning,” Lance said, rubbing the back of his neck. “But from what I can tell—he got a letter from the Department of the Army and panicked. He wasn’t making much sense but—it sounded like he thought they might be sending him back.” Lance looked over at Mark to get his take on the situation.
“That’s also what I understood. He kept talking about not wanting to go back. That they’d force him—that he didn’t—” Mark stopped and swallowed hard.
“That he didn’t what?” Cameron asked worriedly.
“He said he didn’t think he’d survive it this time. That the loneliness would do him in. He was terrified of being sent back.”
Shivers ran up and down Lance’s spine. It was so easy, when things were going well, to forget exactly how traumatized Tanner was. Knowing even a small fraction of the terror that Tanner felt because of what the enemy combatants had done to him was enough to drive Lance to his knees. It was impossible to understand how Tanner managed to cope with life now as well as he did.
Lance couldn’t sit still anymore. He jumped to his feet and began to pace, wondering how to go about helping Tanner.
“No one would blame you for walking out,” Cameron declared out of the blue.
He spun around to face her. “What in the hell are you talking about?”
“No one would blame you for walking out. He’s not—sane. He probably won’t ever fully recover from what happened to him. It wouldn’t be fair of anyone to ask you to—”
But Lance didn’t want to hear it. His hand shot up to motion for silence, and he hoped his gaze was sharp enough to dissuade her from continuing.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Cameron shook her head as if Lance wasn’t getting her point.
“It’s not going to get better,” she warned with a frown. “Some days he’ll fucking fall apart for no reason at all. He’ll be violent, estranged, unrecognizable. You can’t—you can’t want that.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Lance repeated.
“Cameron has a point, though. He’s barely—” Mark jumped in, but Lance cut him off.
“I know—I know he’s not stable, or—whole, even. I just don’t give a flying fuck,” Lance explained, putting all his cards on the table. Or—almost every card.
“That’s the thing! I don’t think you know!” Cameron’s sudden outburst stilled Lance’s pacing as she stood up to face him. “The last time he fucking spiralled like this he ended up in the corner of his apartment waving around a fucking steak knife. There was blood everywhere—we had to call Dr. Jones—it was a fucking mess! You can’t want that, Lance! I love my brother, but you’re shackling yourself to a time bomb.”
Her advice to him could have been perceived as cold and mean-spirited, but Lance knew that was not her intent. Rather, it was merely the heartbroken plea of a sister who loved perhaps more than was wise. It was barely surviving the loss of a brother you cherished, and then having to learn to love a shattered version of him.
Lance considered her views and wondered how he could make her understand his position. There was so much concern there. For him, for Tanner. It was—inspiring, truly, the fight she was willing to put up for both their sakes.
“I love him,” Lance said, feeling ridiculous to be confessing it for the first time to Cameron instead of Tanner. “I was with my ex for three years, Cameron. And there wasn’t a single moment in those three years that I came close to feeling what I feel for Tanner after barely a month. Life was rolling along smoothly. I have the house, a growing business, a healthy 401(k), and up until a few weeks ago, I couldn’t have told you a single thing that I truly wanted in life. But things are different now. I want to be with your brother. Iloveyour brother, Cameron. With or without a few loose screws. I’m not naïve. I know it won’t be easy—hell, it isn’t always easy now, but I’m able and willing to help him through it. Fuck—I don’t think I have a choice, because I love him. I fucking love him—” he breathedout, the confession both freeing and startling in its power to change the way he viewed everything.
Whether that finally convinced her or simply gave her pause for thought, Cameron sat back down and sighed.
“You’re a good guy, Lance. Maybe a bit too good,” she said with a sad smile.
“Then that will be my cross to bear.”
After they left, Lance returned to the bedroom, planning to grab some pajamas and sleep on the couch downstairs.
“Is Cam okay?”
