“Hilarious—Nope. My noodles just went down the wrong pipe,” he replied, shaking his head.
Lance looked unconvinced.
“I’m a numbers guy. I like numbers and concrete things.”
“Are we sharing kinks already? ‘Cause I’ll be honest, I don’t have too many at the moment, and I’m definitely not into calling other guys daddy—” Tanner replied, twirling noodles around his fork and avoiding Lance’s gaze.
“Tanner,” Lance said, clearly trying to keep the conversation at least marginally serious. Tanner looked up, a perfectly innocent look on his face.
“I don’t do well with uncertainty. I told you that. I like to predict outcomes, tie up any loose ends—all those stereotypical behaviors,” Lance confessed, starting to look and sound anxious. Tanner lost track of what he was about to say, surprised by Lance’s uncharacteristic nervousness.
“I’m not asking for specifics, but I need to know if we’re on the same page aboutthings,” Lance continued, trying to put on a brave face.
“About things?” Tanner suddenly lost his appetite, fearful that Lance would tell him thatthiscouldn’t be a thing. They were just two dudes who’d gotten caught up in the heat of the moment. It was never meant to last. Storm in a teacup. Like a lightning strike. There couldn’t be a future. Not when they were both straight and—
“Aboutus.I’m not going to pretend I do casual well. Whether it’s relationships or it’s wardrobe choices. I wear dress slacks and button-down shirts to work every day—even when I’m working from home.” He stopped to laugh self-consciously before continuing. “I’m a commitment guy, and I know that it’s probably way too soon to ask about your level of commitment here, but if all we’re headed for is meaningless sex—I just can’t. It’ll drive me fucking insane.” There was a plea in his eyes that Tanner wondered if he could answer. “Listen Tanner, you’re a great guy, and I’m sure you have a string of women begging for your attention but—”
The string of women thing surprised the hell out of Tanner, and he couldn’t help but laugh. He’d been frozen with confusion for a minute, but that last claim had thawed him instantly. Begging for his attention? Him? Fuck, he hadn’t so much as glanced at a woman since he’d returned to the US.Never mind made a move on one. Tanner raised both hands to stave off Lance’s next volley.
“I don’t have a string of women. Like at all—” Looking directly into Lance’s eyes, he hoped Lance would see he was telling the truth. But Lance remained stoic and unmoved. Tanner realized Lance needed more to go on than that to be fully reassured.
“Fine, I guess it’s confession time, then,” he muttered to himself, taking a deep breath before starting. “I haven’t been with anyone since I’ve been back. Like—no dates, not even a kiss. Hell—I haven’t been able to—get someelevation, in over three years.”
At that, Lance leaned back in his seat, looking puzzled.
“Elevation?”
“A hard-on. A boner. A woody. You know—a stiffy! Good God man, I haven’t been able to pitch a tent in years!” he declared, blushing from head to toe. He probably looked like a boiled lobster he was so goddamned flustered.
“No—” Lance said, shaking his head.
“No?” Tanner’s eyes widened in disbelief. What the hell did he mean, no?
“Well, it’s just—I saw you,” Lance confessed, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment.
“Yousaw me?” Tanner asked, his voice a few notes shy of a shriek.
“I was heading downstairs to get something to drink in the middle of the night and you were—handling businesson the couch.” Lance nodded towards the living room, shrugging helplessly.
Tanner burst out laughing. “You watched me jack off? You pervert!”
“Not on purpose!” Lance defended weakly. “But I saw you, so—"
Tanner snorted and shook his head.
“You’re right about seeing me jack off that night. But I’m not lying about the problems I was having with not being able to perform. I couldn’t get it up, and then—well my therapist told me tobranch out—change my point of reference, like different settings and partners,” he explained, barely able to meet Lance’s gaze. “That night you watched me—it was the first time I’d managed to get anything going in years—and it’s because I was thinking of you.”
They stared at each other in silence. Lance’s mind was completely blown by what he’d just heard. Tanner took a deep breath and decided to go for broke.
“So—no. I don’t have a long line of women falling at my feet, and even if I did—my dick and I aren’t interested. Realistically, I don’t know what I’ll be—able to give?—” he licked his lips nervously, “I have a fucking cargo plane’s worth of trauma that I’m struggling with, but I’m down with givingusa chance if you are.”
“Just so we’re clear—” Lance started then paused to gather his thoughts. While hesoundedperfectly serious, he hadn’t quite managed to temper his smile enough tolookserious. “Did you just say that your therapist told you to go gay?”
Tanner wadded up his napkin and chucked it at Lance. It bounced off his forehead.
“You’re such a dick,” he said without any real heat. He was about to push away from the table—if only just to make a big scene—when Lance reached over and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. When Tanner met his gaze, Lance looked serious again, his eyes filled with warmth.
“Thanks for telling me.”
