I watched Seth walk inside, and then the trickle of people turned to nothing as I peered up at the clouds above the church. For some reason, it made me angrier that a kid with no priors had killed James. Why couldn’t it have been some old man who had gang ties and a rap sheet of previous offenses enough to fill this car? That would have made it easier in my mind.
Being alone with my thoughts right now was causing me to spiral into anxiety about the kid now serving life in jail and the stupid guilt I felt about that, even though it was what he deserved. He was a murderer. Without another thought, I exited Seth’s truck and began to pace the lot. I couldn’t just sit there for an entire hour and ahalf—or however long this would take. I spied a cute play structure and a bench off to the side of the closed main doors and made my way there. When I passed the main doors, they opened, and a woman with dark-brown skin and kind eyes peered right at me.
“Welcome home,” she said, and her voice caused chills to run down my back.
Welcome home?That wasn’t usually how you greeted someone at church. I opened my mouth to respond when the sound of “Amazing Grace” reached my ears. Someone with a really nice voice was singing, and the woman holding the door open for me didn’t seem to be offended by my grungy outfit.
“I… Well…” I paused, unsure what to do.
“It’s nice and cool in here,” the woman told me, still holding the door open.
That sold me. Air conditioning. I was pregnant, and it was starting to warm up into spring. Without overthinking it, I stepped inside and peered around. It looked the same as when I’d come with James for the first time. We’d just moved into town, and even though we hadn’t barely unpacked one box, we’d wanted to check out the church. We’d walked hand in hand through these doors, James had grabbed a coffee, and then we’d sat down in the service.
My eyes misted over as I listened to the sound of “Amazing Grace” coming from the closed chapel doors at the back.
Wow, she was talented.Whoever was signing had a gift, that was for sure. When I was halfway to the closed chapel doors, I peered behind me to thank the woman for holding the door open for me, but she was gone.
Huh.
I was so spacey today.
The gas, the call from jail, and now I was in church! This was a Sunday for the books. As I drew closer to the closed doors, my baby started to kick in my belly.
I smiled, reaching down to rub the elbow or foot or whatever was currently poking out of my tummy.
“You like music?” I whispered to her or him.
I leaned against the doorframe, just listening to the song and softly humming to myself.
The lyrics suddenly pierced my heart:
The Lord has promised good to me
His word, my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
They were my favorite part of the song, but hearing it now just made me feel angrier at God. Those lyrics used to make me feel so safe.
“Where were You to shield James from harm?” I whispered to God.
The music ended, and then Seth’s voice then filled the space.
That’s when the door opened, and there was the beautiful brown-skinned woman waving me inside.
It was dark inside the sanctuary, with just a spotlight on Seth, and part of me was curious about what he would talkabout. Besides, he wasn’t a real pastor, so it didn’t count as me going to church, right?
Without fully thinking it over, I slipped inside. I was halfway to a seat in the back when all the lights turned on, and I froze, peering over at the stage and locking eyes with Seth.
Busted.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Seth
The fact that Ella was outside in my truck right now killed me. The woman was so stubborn she wouldn’t even come as a friend to see my sermon? It was my first time ever preaching, and I was honored that Pastor Jake had even asked. Maggie, Ruthie, and the entire Widows’ Club were here. But I knew, for Ella, it was different. Going back to church meant something big for her. She didn’t think of it as supporting me; it was supporting God, and she wasn’t ready to do that. I understood, but also, having her car break down by the side of the road kind of felt like a sign. God’s little way of nudging her here.
