“You’re mad at me,” she said.
I wiped my face of any trace of upset. “No, it’s fine. I understand. Let me walk you out.”
I turned to leave, but then she threaded her fingers into mine and my heart seized in my chest as I forgot how to breathe. My whole body lit up when she touched me, and having her hand in mine like this made everything feel so right.
“Thank you for showing me your beautiful nursery.” She held my gaze.
I nodded. “You’re welcome.”
As I walked her out, I felt depressed for the first time since meeting Ella. I felt that maybe she’d never return to God. She’d slowly moved farther and farther away from him, and I’d never be able to bring her back.
“Night, Seth,” she said with a sheepish smile.
“Thanks for the soup,” I told her, still dazed by the fact that she was so angry after all these months.
She had a right to be, of course, but not at God, at the world. The world was filled with unsaved humans who couldn’t control their flesh, and one of them shot her husband. It wasn’t God’s fault. How difficult her life must be without God to lean on? She was carrying a child with all that anger inside her. I felt bad for her and desperately wanted to help her.
The woman I was falling in love with wasn’t a believer, and I didn’t know what to think about it.
After she left, I dropped to my knees and clasped my hands in prayer.
“Lord, why? Why would You allow me to fall for this beautiful woman when she isn’t ready for a relationship and she doesn’t even have faith in You anymore? What am I supposed to do with that? I want to help her, and I will, but Lord, I am falling in love with her, and she’s still wearing her husband’s wedding ring. What am I doing? Protect my heart, God. I can’t take another loss. If she’s never going to be mine, then please, God, I beg You to remove my desire for her completely.”
I cried out to God, begging him to remove Ella’s facefrom my mind, her lips that I couldn’t stop staring at, her beautiful laugh, her unborn child that I wanted to help her raise. I was having feelings for her that I knew she would not reciprocate.
“God, I’ve waited five years, and the one woman I feel I could finally move on and love isn’t ready and might never be. Why?”
I will restore everything you have lost. The Lord’s words came into my mind, and tears pricked my eyes. It was just like Maggie’s dream!
“With Ella?” I asked, because I wanted it with her.
But the Lord was quiet, and for the first time, I wondered if I was on a futile quest. Ella might not have even found me attractive. She might have thought of me as more of a brotherly figure. I might wait years until she was ready to date, only to find out that she never liked me in that way at all.
In a bold moment, I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and began writing a letter to Ella.
I needed to start guarding my heart where that woman was concerned. Because she was starting to own it, and I didn’t want to give it to her if she never wanted it.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ella
The next morning, I stepped onto the back porch with a yawn, ready to do chicken chores.
There was a note taped onto my chicken boots that was quite long, and my heart beat wildly in my chest because I knew it was from Seth. Last night, watching the movie had been wonderful. He had been wonderful. Then he’d opened up and shown me his baby’s nursery, which broke my heart but also endeared me to him. He seemed so fine and healed from having lost his wife and his child, and seeing that room just made me feel so normal. I still hadn’t cleaned any of James’s things up.
I tucked the note into my pocket, deciding to do my chicken chores first. Seth had asked me to hear him preach, and it got really awkward when I said no. But it felt like, if I stepped foot in a church, I was letting God win. I wastelling Him it was okay that He’d let my husband die. And it wasn’t!
I fed the hens, the cow, and the goats before heading back inside and sitting in my chair with Honey on my lap.
“What do you think this long note is about? Trying to get me to go back to church?” I asked my pet chicken, who pecked at the piece of paper as I pulled it from my pocket.
Peering down, I read Seth’s neat script.
Ella,
My sister-in-law was pressuring me to go to the singles’ night at church…but I told her I had my eye on another woman. One who is understandably not ready yet for new love. I’m going to be so bold as to throw myself out there and say that this woman is you. I know it’s too soon right now and that your husband can never be replaced. All I need to know is, when or if you are ready, would you ever consider me in that way? If not, then a friendship with you is something I will cherish as well.
My heart lurched into my throat as I finished the letter, eying the two responses he’d written with an open check box next to each, as we would do in middle school.
