And then shortly after, at summer camp with Anna, God changed me, too. He gave me the one thing I’d been searching for my entire life.Peace. An inner peace amongthe storm that was my chaotic life with my dad. But now… Now I wondered if it was all a lie. If God were even real. I felt so lost, and I was ashamed to admit it after being such a devoted follower for so long.
“Yes, I do. So you better visit me every three months.” I told her, forcing a smile.
She peered at me for a long moment, doing that thing mothers do when they size up whether you are lying. I took the chance to look at her face. Brown shoulder-length hair streaked with a few grays, and blue eyes tucked into a bed of slight wrinkles. Those wrinkles were from laughing. Even though my father had been a monster to be around most of the time, my mother had always made sure I had things to smile about. And she smiled with me. We’d clung together through the storm of his abuse. And I was noticing now that we looked so much alike.
“Mom.” I grasped her hand. “I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. You built your dream life, and if you left all that behind for me, it would be like two deaths. I don’t want that, and James wouldn’t want you to do that, either,” I told her.
My mom had been struggling with whether to leave my dad or not when I was fifteen, and then he died, removing the decision for her. She rose from the ashes and built an incredible life, and I wasn’t about to have her ruin it all for me.
Her eyes welled with tears, and she nodded. “Okay. But if you’re not adjusting, I’ll come live with you full-time.”
“Deal,” I agreed.
How did you adjust to this? I didn’t think it was possible. And I knew my mother had no sage words of wisdomfor me because even though we never spoke it out loud, the day my father died, all either of us felt was relief. Not the soul-crushing heartache I was feeling right now. She might have been a widow, but she didn’t miss my father, and neither did I.
Chapter Two
Seth
The bite of loneliness had sunk its teeth into me far deeper than I realized. Another birthday alone. I stared at the half-eaten cake I’d shared with my grandmother Maggie and sighed.
Don’t get me wrong,. I loved my grandmother, but I wanted a wife. I knew what it was like to have the love of a good woman, and I wanted it again. Ineededit. I felt empty inside, like in the center of my heart was a gaping hole that would never be filled again.
I was twenty-nine. By now, I’d envisioned a couple of kids and a noisy house filled with laughter. But instead, it was just me and four empty bedrooms with Maggie in the apartment over the barn. This wasn’t the future I had wanted for myself. I had so much love to share with someone, the right person.
In desperation, I fell to my knees and clasped my hands together.
“Lord, so much has been taken from me, and I never lost faith in You. Even now, I believe You have a great plan for me. But I’m…” My voice cracked as my throat tightened. “I’m lonely.” I lost my ability to speak as my thoughts went to Scarlett. She had been perfect in every way, and I felt guilty asking for a replacement for her. No one could replace the woman I’d loved for so many years.
But I wanted this hole in my heart to be filled. I wanted to love again, if that was God’s plan for my life. He wouldn’t want me to be alone and feel this way forever, would He?
Of course not,I told myself. But what if He did? What if that’s why I hadn’t met anyone, even though Scarlett had been gone now four years?
“Your will be done, Lord,” I finally said. It was the scariest prayer a believer could pray. Because if the Lord wanted me to spend the rest of my days alone, I would. But I had to believe He didn’t want that for me. Because it was my heart’s desire to have children and the love of a good woman. And it had been Scarlett’s, too.
Even on her deathbed, she’d dreamed up a beautiful future for me. Because that was the kind of selfless, amazing woman she was. I missed her throaty laugh, the way she’d mischievously wink at me when she thought I was being cute about something. I missed her walk, her big, giving heart, and the way she loved and trusted the Lord. I missed everything about that woman.
Maybe that’s what I was looking for—a Scarlett 2.0—and that just didn’t exist. The thought depressed me, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and started doing dishes.
Chapter Three
Ella
The next day, my mother took her flight back to Paris and promised to visit in exactly ninety days.
That was when the firewood ran out.
James had purchased a small amount of pre-chopped wood with the promise that he’d cut down a bunch of trees on our ten-acre wooded farm and chop more himself. The only heat source in the old 1929 farmhouse was a giant beast of a woodstove that was smack-dab in the middle of the living room.
It was a chilly September evening, and I realized I was out of pre-cut wood. It was pitch-dark out, nearly eight p.m. and I stood on the porch, glaring at the axe in anger. This farmhouse was James’s project, and I wanted it too, butnotalone. I wanted it with him, a dozen chickens, somemilking goats, maybe a horse in the future. I wanted all of that withhim.
Now, I didn’t want any of it. I wanted our old house on Thunderbird Lane with neighbors a stone’s throw away and central heating.
I pulled on my boots and my jacket, hefted the axe in my hand with a growl, and then stepped out into the crisp autumn air.
After marching off the porch, I set a large log onto the chopping block. Then I raised the axe over my head and came down hard.
With a yelp, I jumped backward, almost taking my foot clean off. I’d been about ten inches off from my trajectory.
