I fell asleep clutching my belly, with sorrow in my heart and tears on my cheeks. I had just enough faith for one final prayer.
Save me, Lord. I’m drowning in grief, and I’m giving up on you. Don’t let me lose faith.
The next day, there was chopped wood at my doorstep and a note.
Ruthie told me what happened. Spend Christmas with us? I have two brothers and twin nephews with ADHD. It’s really rowdy and loud. They will barely notice you. A few guys from work come as well.
Festivities start at 4pm. Maggie says to bring a pie.
-Seth
I smiled at the letter and sighed, struggling with guilt at that moment. Why couldn’t Seth be ugly? Why did he have to be handsome and available? It made answering these things hard. Though he’d never tried anything romantic with me or led me to believe in any way that he was interested in me like that… I still felt guilty. Like it was a stain on James’s memory to spend so much time with Seth. But it wasn’t just Seth… It was Maggie, too, and some of the guys from work who seemed harmless.
I pulled the smaller torn piece of paper from the bottom of the note and read my Bible verse of the day.
“Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” - James 1:3
I shook my head.Lord, if you’re allowing me to be tested, I’m going to fail.I don’t feel strong enough to survive this. Raising a baby alone… Living without the man you promised me. I can’t.
I had known from the moment I met James that he was a gift from God. As we fell in love, God showed me that he was to be my husband. I just couldn’t fathom bringing us together only to allow us to be torn apart so young. If there was a bigger picture, I was missing it.
My phone rang with a local number I didn’t recognize, and I picked it up.
“Hello?”
“This is a collect call from Idaho County Jail. To accept this call, press one.”
What in the world?I hung up. Scammers were getting weird nowadays.
My mom was devastated that we couldn’t spend the holiday together; she’d even tried to get a flight here to no avail, but I assured her I wouldn’t be alone. It was Christmas Eve, and Seth’s family party was tomorrow, so Iwouldn’t be alone foractualChristmas, but Christmas Eve was one of my favorite nights, too. I would open one present as a child on Christmas Eve, and my mom and I would bake all the pies.
Honey was back inside with me after I’d put her in the barn for what I’d thought would be my Paris trip. The house was depressing though. I hadn’t put the tree up because I’d thought I wasn’t going to be here. Now, I looked at the blank space and debated getting the courage to put it up.
My phone buzzed with a text, and I pulled it up to see that it was from Seth.
Seth:I have this tradition where I get hot chocolate and drive around to look at Christmas lights. Wanna come? I can pick you up in ten minutes. Maggie is busy baking and won’t be coming.
That sounded nice but also…romantic in a way that I knew I was overthinking. I wasn’t used to being single and hanging out with other men. He didn’t think it was a date or anything, right? Because I was not ready for that, and I wasn’t sure if Ieverwould be. I really just needed a friend right now, and if Seth hadn’t been male and handsome, I would not have even been second-guessing this.
Seth:Just as friends, obviously. =)
I chuckled. He must have known I’d be freaking out a little. After all, he was a widow, too, and I didn’t see him dating anyone new.
Me:Okay, but I’m in pajamas…
I looked down at the long-sleeved chicken-printed PJs that clung to my growing belly bump.
Seth:Oh good, pajamasare required.
I smiled. Now that he’d clarified we were just hanging out as friends, I felt like all the pressure was off.
I slipped into my coat and stepped outside to wait for his truck. A snowstorm had hit last night, and there were three feet of snow piled up on the sides of the roads, but they’d been plowed and were drivable. When he pulled up, I walked over to the car and opened the door.
“Merry Christmas Eve,” he said with a bright smile, handing me a mug of hot chocolate that had been resting on his center console. It was teeming with whipped cream.
“That’s a lot of whipped cream.” I grinned, shutting the door and buckling in.
“Only reason I drink hot chocolate. Just like the only reason I eat salad is to have the ranch dressing,” he declared.
