With hugs goodbye, I wished everyone good night, went home, and slept. Over the next few days, I laid low, battling morning sickness and fatigue until my first day at work with Seth.
He gave me a full tour. I had a small office in the barn. It was clean and heated, and it had a computer and a phone. But Seth told me I could just as easily work from home if I wanted. I told him I would prefer the barn most days because it was nice to get out of the house. I learned all of the ranch hands’ names and how to process their bi-weekly paychecks. I learned when to order cattle and horse feed and how much. I learned a lot and was really grateful for the work. I liked learning new things and being useful, and it kept me busy, which was a blessing. The first two weeks flew by, and then before I knew it,my mom and Anna were here, and I had my first doctor’s appointment.
“The blood work confirms you’re indeed pregnant,” my new doctor told me as she stepped into the room. “You’re about eight weeks along based on when your last menstrual cycle was, and now, we just need to do a viability scan.”
My mom held my one hand and Anna the other.
“Viability?” my bestie questioned.
Doctor Keats nodded. “Just to make sure everything is healthy. Especially with…any extreme stress on the mother.”
I looked at my mom, and she blushed. So she’d told Doctor Keats about my losing James? Great. Now, everyone was just going to feel sorry for me every time I came here.
Viability… like the baby might not be…
My heart rate ratcheted up a notch, and my eyes filled with tears. Up until this moment, I hadn’t been sure I even wanted this baby. It was a horrible thing to admit, but from the second I’d found out I was pregnant, I just kept wishing it weren’t true. I wanted a baby eventually! Just not while I was still grieving the loss of my husband, and I didn’t want to raise a baby alone. But the second the doctor said that my unborn child might not beviable, I wanted this baby more than anything in the world. I turned into a mother bear in an instant and placed a protective hand over my belly.
The doctor asked me to lie back and pull up my shirt. I did.
“Alright, there is going to be some cold gel,” she said, and then she squirted the gel onto my abdomen.
Lord, if you’re still listening to me… Please don’t take my baby. I’ve lost too much. I won’t survive it.I begged God at that moment, wondering if He would even listen to awoman who’d shouted at Him and spent most of her days angry at Him over the last several weeks.
A blob came on the screen, and then there was a fast flicker.
“What’s that?” I asked in a panic.
“The heartbeat,” the doctor said, smiling. “It’s a perfectly viable and healthy pregnancy.”
Relief spread through my limbs as I nearly burst into tears.
“Praise God.” My mom clapped her hands.
Anna leaned in to squeeze my arm. “My bestie’s gonna be a mama,” she said.
Then, as if a shard of sunlight pierced through heavy clouds, I felt some of my depression lift. I loved James with mywholeheart, but he was gone, and we’d made this baby together, in love, as husband and wife, and I wouldn’t be any less of a mother to it just because the circumstances weren’t ideal.
Thank you.I sent up a quick prayer, unsure how I felt about talking to God again. On one hand, it felt good, and on the other, I was still mad. But this baby wouldn’t suffer for it. As Maggie said, I was determined that it was going to be the biggest blessing of my life.
Chapter Sixteen
Seth
Ella had a three-way text going with Maggie and me, where she mostly asked if we had seen any of her missing chickens or sent us pictures of Honey in her latest patterned diaper. But today, she sent an ultrasound picture and two short but incredible sentences.
Ella:Eight weeks along! Baby is healthy.
I was in the kitchen alone, fixing a snack, when the text came through, and from the amount of relief I felt, it was as if this were my own child. I’d been carrying secret stress over whether or not Ella’s grieving could cause her to miscarry, and I prayed over her and the unborn child daily. To see now that the baby was fine caused me to grin and text back quickly.
Seth:Great news!
Maggie:Praise God! I can’t wait to see the pictures.
Maggie’s text came in right after mine.
As I thought of sweet Ella and her situation, my heart ached for her. Raising a child alone without the person you thought you would have by your side was incomprehensible, yet I’d been ready to do it. I’d been ready had Scarlett passed but our daughter lived to raise that little girl on my own. And now, I found myself daydreaming of being there for Ella in a way that was more than neighborly. I wanted to protect her, to provide for her. But I felt guilty having those thoughts, as I knew that it was too soon for her, and she might not even be interested in me that way. So I sighed and wrangled my thoughts back on cattle business.
What she really needed was a friend. And that was what I would be.
