“God feels silent on the issue, but I have to admit, he puts Jack on my heart a lot.”
“Maybe just as a friend, though? Or as something more?” Jules asked.
I didn’t know, and that was the problem.
“He’s not a believer,” I told her.
Jules chewed at her bottom lip. “I don’t think the Lord would have you date a non-believer, Hannah.”
She was right. I could never marry a man who didn’t have a relationship with God. I wanted someone to pray with at night, someone to lead our family spiritually, but…At the same time, there was a pull to him that I feltwasfrom the Lord.
“I think there is more to the story there. I just never got to hear it before…”
“He ghosted you,” she reminded me.
He had. Jack had ghosted me after our amazing time in India.
I sighed. “Maybe this is for the best. A clean break from LukeandJack. I will throw myself into work and pray for God to send me the man He wants for me.”
But even as I said it, my eyes welled with tears. Had I made a mistake? Luke was perfect on paper, and the ring he’d shown me inside the box was beautiful. The words he’d spoken in front of the whole town were poetic, but…my whole heart wasn’t fully with him. The dead kiss we’d shared before was evidence of that.
MaybeIwas the problem. Maybe I’d allowed Jack to wiggle too far into my heart and it caused confusion with Luke. Maybe Luke was who God had chosen for my life and I’d just screwed the whole thing up! A sob ripped from my throat, and Jules took the coffee and set it on the floor before pulling me into a hug.
“You know what I think you need?” she said as she rubbed my back.
“What?” I managed.
“To move out of your mother’s house. You have money now and you’re twenty-four. Get your own place,” she declared.
I laughed between tears because that was my blunt Jules. We were sitting in my childhood bedroom. I’d redecorated over the years, but she was right. I hadn’t moved out right after high school because I couldn’t afford to. Then my mom got cancer, and I had to take care of her. Now, I had no excuse.
I pulled back from her and wiped my eyes. “Do you think I made a mistake turning down Luke?”
Jules tucked my hair behind my ear. “I think, if he was the one God intended for you, then you would have known and said yes instantly. Love is hard, but you should wait for the man that you are one hundred percent sure of.”
She was right. I loved Luke. I always would, but what part of me loved him? Because he was my past, my childhood crush,my memories? Dating him for the last six months had been easy. We’d fallen into our easy conversations, holding hands, kissing under the stars, but it wasn’t what I’d thought it would be like. It still felt like puppy love, like a love with training wheels on, and I wasn’t sure that kind of love could stand a lifelong marriage. I would never forget how he’d broken up with me simply because I wasn’t ambitious enough, successful enough. Although he’d matured since then, that felt like a catastrophic character flaw.
I just prayed that God would carry me through this like He carried me through everything else. Because I felt depleted and unable to walk forward on my own.
Chapter Twenty-Five
JACK
I chartered a private jet Christmas night just to get out of Willow Harbor early. Chloe had pried every detail from me and then told me I should see a therapist. I’d wanted to see one after the accident, but I hadn’t been willing to go to therapy in prison. Then, when I got out, I had a company to run with Jason. I didn’t need therapy; I needed to forget that Hannah Phillips ever existed.
I threw myself into my work over the next few days and only stopped when an email popped up in my inbox. My heart nearly ceased beating when I saw the subject line.
Subject:Why didn’t you tell me you came?
It was from Hannah. Why hadn’t I told her I’d come to what? My hand hovered over the delete button, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to know what she had to say. I was surprised that, just a few days after getting engaged, she was writing me. I didn’t think her boyfriend—or fiancé, rather—would appreciate that.
I opened the email.
You came to my worship concert last spring and never told me? Why?
-Hannah with two N’s
I couldn’t help but smile at her signing off as Hannah with two N’s. Even in an awkward moment, she was lighthearted.
