‘Yes. Thank you.’ She could feel her eyes trying to close.
Bobby was asleep almost as soon as her head touched the pillow. She didn’t know how long she slept, but it was dark when she awoke. Charlie lay beside her, leaning on his elbow as he watched her sleep.
‘Oh Lord.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘How long was I off for?’
‘Well your tea’s gone cold. Do you want another cup?’
‘Mmm. In a minute.’ She rolled on to her side. ‘I’d prefer a cuddle first.’
‘A request I’m always happy to grant.’ He wrapped her in his arms, or as best he could around her big belly.
‘It went well today, didn’t it?’ Bobby mumbled, fighting off the lingering stupor of sleep. ‘My dad and Jake, I mean. Jake and I had a heart-to-heart last night that I think did some good.’
‘I know,’ Charlie said quietly.
Bobby frowned. ‘What?’
‘Sorry, Bob. I couldn’t help overhearing. I woke up when I heard you talking.’
Bobby thought back to her conversation and grimaced.
‘I’m so sorry, Charlie,’ she said. ‘I know I shouldn’t have talked about your problems without discussing it with you. It’s just, Jake admires you. He knows what you did on that last op. I thought it might help him make his peace with everything if he knew our dad’s problems weren’t unique.’
‘I don’t mind. It just made me think, that’s all.’
He drifted into a reverie, rolling on to his back to stare at the ceiling. After a while, Bobby tried to reclaim his attention.
‘What did it make you think about, love?’ she asked.
‘About what you said to Jake. About your dad’s medal.’ He turned over again to look into her face. ‘And it made me realise… you were right, darling. I ought to go to the palace. Have my picture taken for the papers and everything you wanted. Because it is complicated – heroism and cowardice and all those daft notions that are more storytelling than reality. And because it isn’t really about me, is it? It’s about Marmaduke.’
‘It took overhearing my conversation with Jake to make you realise that?’ Bobby said, shaking her head. ‘I’ve been telling you all that for ages.’
‘I know. Honestly, I thought you were just trying to make me feel better about myself.’
‘I did want you to feel better about yourself, but I still meant every word.’
‘It wasn’t only that, though.’ He ran a hand over the swell of Bobby’s stomach. ‘It was what your brother said. How he’d struggled to understand the way your dad was when he was a kid, and the difference it obviously made when you showed him that medal.’
‘Go on.’
‘When you’re a child, everything’s black and white, isn’t it? There are heroes and cowards, goodies and baddies, and you play with toy soldiers and dream of the battlefield as if it isn’t something monstrous. It made me think… I do want our childto admire me. I’ve never believed I was a hero over and above any other man. In the thick of things, it felt like I was operating on my instincts rather than any conscious idea of bravery.’ He met her gaze earnestly. ‘But I always tried to do what was right, Bobby. I fought hard when I was in the RAF to make sure this damn war didn’t brutalise me the way I’ve seen it do to others. And if that makes me weak or womanly, I’d rather be that kind of weak than the sort of brave that means not having compassion – even if that compassion extends to the enemy as well.’
Bobby smiled. ‘Which is exactly why I love you.’
‘I hope, one day when Marmaduke’s a man – or a woman, if that’s the way it turns out – that he or she might be able to understand all this,’ Charlie went on. ‘But he won’t be able to understand it when he’s a kid. He’ll just want to know what Daddy did to help beat the bad guys. That stuff matters, when you’ve got a head full of stories and a child’s understanding of the world. I couldn’t bear for him to see me shaking and have that come between us like it did for your dad and Jake. I couldn’t bear for him not to have a proud story about his old man to tell his grandchildren after I’m gone.’ His face took on a determined expression. ‘So I’m going to take that gong, and I’m going to have my photograph taken with the king, and one day I’m going to show it to my son. I’m going to tell him I got it for saving lives, because that’s a damn sight more heroic than taking them. Because it won’t matter if I felt like a hero sixty years from now when my kid’s an old man, but it’ll matter that I always tried to do what was right. If he remembers me for anything, I want him to remember me for that.’
‘Oh Charlie, I am glad.’ Bobby gave him a kiss. ‘I know it isn’t straightforward, when you’ve lost so many friends, but I do think it’s the right thing to do. And I’ll be bursting with pride on behalf of both Marmaduke and myself when I see you invested.’
‘I’m really not sure you should come, Bobby,’ Charlie said, running tender fingers over her stomach. ‘It’s a long way to London.’
‘I’ll check with the doctor first. Would that satisfy you?’
‘I suppose so, if Dick Minchin says it’s all right,’ Charlie said, although still a little doubtfully.
She nestled into his arms. ‘I’m glad you were able to make your peace with the DFC, but words matter too, Charlie. Help Marmaduke to understand when he’s old enough, won’t you? I want him to grow up to be exactly the sort of compassionate, sensitive man his father is.’
Charlie smiled. ‘You didn’t always describe me in such glowing terms. “Irresponsible” is a word I remember you using. “Flirt” is another.’
