‘What sort of letters?’
‘Letters that… I don’t quite know how to explain it, butThe Tykerepresents home to them in a world that feels like it’s gone mad. Nothing’s certain any more, the most awful things are happening, and nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. The magazine reminds them there was a gentler, better world before all this – one that belonged to them. It gives them hope there can be again.’ She lifted her head. ‘I’m a part of bringing them that hope. Yes, it matters to me, just like your work with the Wrens matters to you. We might not be winning the war here but we’re giving people something to keep on fighting for, in our small way.’
Lilian looked unconvinced as she picked up her cocoa from the bedside cabinet. ‘All very noble, I’m sure. But you’ll be an old maid long after the war ends, Bobby. Your precious magazine isn’t going to keep you warm at night, is it?’
‘Being an old maid might not be so bad, if I’ve got the means to keep myself.’
‘You can’t mean that. You must want a family.’
‘Must I? Do I have to want something because you want it, or because most women do, or because I’m expected to?’
‘I watched you playing with those little girls today, Bobby.’
Bobby sighed. ‘You know, the two weeks since they came have been quite wonderful. We’ve really felt like a family here. Even Reg has loved having them. In a way, it’s made the situation with Charlie so much harder.’
‘How?’
‘I’ve always liked Charlie’s company. He’s fun and he makes me laugh. He stops me taking life and myself too seriously. Last month, we were sitting on the bridge together under the moonlight and I thought that if we could just be that way forever… perhaps if we married and it remained just the two of us, I could have Charlie and my career too.’
‘If you didn’t have children?’
Bobby nodded. ‘Charlie didn’t seem like the sort of man who was cut out to be a father. He’s too fond of fun and freedom. Of a life without responsibilities.’
‘Couldyoulive with that though?’
She laughed bleakly. ‘The way the world is now, the last thing I’d want to do would be to bring a child into it. Who knows what future there might be for them? A life under the Nazis… it doesn’t bear thinking about. I thought that if Charlie and I were careful about things…’
‘So it would be a celibate marriage?’ Lilian said, laughing. ‘If he agreed to that he’d be one man in a million.’
‘I wouldn’t expect that. There are other ways, aren’t there?’
Lilian lowered her voice. ‘French letters, you mean?’
‘I suppose so, yes.’
‘Those things don’t always work, Bobby. Trust me, I know enough girls who’ve found that out the hard way.’
‘Well, it’s a moot point now anyhow. The Parrys coming made me realise that in spite of what I’d assumed, Charlie’s a natural father. They love him to pieces, and I’ve never seen him so happy as when he’s messing about in the garden with them like he was when you arrived today. I couldn’t deprive him of the chance to have little ones of his own, even if he did agree to it.’
‘Do you think he would have agreed?’
‘I don’t know. Perhaps.’ She swallowed another sob. ‘He loves me very much, Lil. I don’t know why when I’m such a cross, fractious thing with him sometimes, but he does.’
‘Aww, Bob.’ Lilian put her arm around her sister and gave her a squeeze.
‘And then there’s the other worry,’ Bobby said. ‘That I’ll choose Charlie, give up on everything I’ve been working for here, and then… then I’ll lose him. Be left to raise a child alone without him.’
‘Not everyone who goes to war doesn’t come back. Most will, I hope.’
‘It’s the air force, Lil. I wish it was the army, or even the navy. I wish he’d volunteered for ground crew instead of flying fighters. It’s terrifying to think of him up there in the skies with the Luftwaffe trying to shoot him down.’
‘How long is the training? Six months?’
‘I think so, but they can cut it short if they’re desperate for pilots.’
‘Well, maybe the war will be over before he’s ever asked to fly a mission. You never know.’
Bobby was only half-listening. ‘Even those men who do come home aren’t always the same,’ she said quietly. ‘Some lose limbs, like Reg. Some lose their minds, or part of them. Like—’
