And yet every time, something stopped it…something held him back.
It had happened again when Higgs laid hands on her. Buck had felt the shift rise in him then more strongly than ever before. For one blazing instant, when he saw the green male dragging Kiera away, he had been certain this was the moment. Certain that rage and protectiveness and sheer need would finally break whatever barrier remained.
He had felt his spine lock with the beginning of change…felt the shape of hands almost emerge from his paws. He’d felt words build in his throat instead of barks.
Then…nothing. Nothing at all.
The shift had failed him once more and he had been left in his beast form, snapping and growling at the attacker like a common guard animal.
Kiera stroked his ears and sighed, interrupting his dark thoughts.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she murmured. “Probably get myself murdered, apparently.”
Brux whined softly and pressed his head against her, trying to tell her not to say such things. Trying to tell her that as long as he drew breath, no harm would come to her if he could prevent it.
But of course, all she heard was a worried sound from an animal, because he couldn’t make himself understood. It was so frustrating!
She smiled faintly and rubbed his ruff one more time before getting up and going back to her cup.
Buck watched her in silence. Would he ever regain his humanoid form?
He had been trying not to ask himself that too often, because every time he did, despair crept a little closer. But after what had happened with Higgs, the question rose in him with renewed force.
What if this was it?
What if this shaggy gray body on four legs was all he would ever be now?
His mind had returned. His memories had returned. Even his deeper emotions were back in full force—guilt, grief, yearning, tenderness, anger, hope. He thought clearly now…reasoned clearly…remembered enough of who and what he had once been to know exactly what he was missing.
But perhaps that was all the Goddess intended to restore. Perhaps she had given him back his mind…but not his male form.
Perhaps this was her judgment on him.
You loved once, a cold voice in his head whispered. You were given your one true mate and lost her. That was your blessing, and that was your tragedy. Now you may love again if you must—but only from a distance. Only from the skin of a beast.
Brux shut his eyes tightly. He didn’t want to believe that. And yet…the Goddess usually granted a Lykan only one mate–that had always been the way.
One true female to tether his soul and steady his mind. One to share his life and his body and his Bond. One to call him back from the void.
He had already had that blessing once, perhaps he had no right to ask for it again. Maybe Kiera had been sent to save him, not as a second mate, but as a kindness. As a hand held out to pull him back from total mindlessness. Maybe the way she had saved him was a mercy but not a future.
The thought made something inside him twist painfully. Because if that was true—if he could love her and protect her and sleep wrapped around her warm, soft body every night, but never stand before her as a man, never tell her what she meant to him, never Bond her to him and make her fully his…it would be a cruel fate.
Cruel…but perhaps deserved.
Brux remembered too well how he had given up after losing his first mate. How he had let himself slip into the void. How he had stopped fighting and simply drifted downward into the beast.
Maybe that was his failure–maybe that was why the Goddess withheld his other form from him now–because he had not been strong enough to hold onto it before.
A deep sadness settled over him then, heavy and cold as winter. He felt hopeless and helpless and worst of all, trapped.
Across the room, Kiera had finished her drink. She rose, stretched a little, and smiled at him.
“Well, boy,” she said softly, “I think I’m ready for bed. What about you?”
Brux got to his feet at once. For her, he was always ready for anything.
She laughed a little when he came immediately to her side.
