Driving away, I can’t help but think how second nature this work has become. But I guess this is all I’ve ever known.
Most people my age grew up learning how to throw a football or fix a car. I grew up learning the street side of our business and the right pressure points to press to make a man break without laying a hand on him.
If I had the choice, would I have chosen this life?
Maybe. Power has its perks, and money sure as hell opens doors. People listen when I walk into a room, even if half ofthem do it out of fear. But there’s always a cost. Every deal, every shipment, every body that disappears, it chips away at something I’m not sure I’ll ever get back.
And though I told my brother I wasn’t sure I wanted kids, deep down I do. I’d love to have a mini Riley or a mini me running around the house, driving me crazy.
But the thing that gnaws at me is whether I would want to raise my own kids in this world.
Gripping the wheel tighter, my knuckles whitening, I think of my future.
My father didn’t get to choose, and neither did I. But if I had a son or daughter, would I let the family name drag them under the same way it did me and my brothers?
I can honestly say I’m not sure.
The headlights cut through the dark as the city skyline looms closer. The empire never sleeps, and neither do I, it seems. I have at least another hour before I reach Ronan’s place.
It’s getting late, and Riley might already be asleep, but I miss the sound of her voice, so I quickly call her just in case she is still up.
“Hey, you. Everything okay?” Her voice floods through the car speakers, instantly soothing the storm brewing inside me.
“Yeah,” I lie. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“If I had known how needy you were, I would’ve never agreed to marry you,” she teases, and I huff a laugh.
“Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you are. How was your day?”
“It was great. Mila and Lucy came over, and we spent the day by the pool.” Riley chatters away, filling me in on all the gossip from her day with the girls.
The normalcy of it all makes my chest ache, but I’m glad that she had fun. It’s not lost on me that my presence in her life hasshaken up her world, and the fact that she’s still able to laugh and smile is more than I could hope for.
“It seemed to cheer Ciara up. I know she’s fed up with being pregnant and eager to meet her babies. But I think Ronan is nervous. About becoming a dad, I mean.” Riley gives a little laugh.
I smirk. “Better him than me.”
There’s a long pause. So long that I have to check the call hasn’t been disconnected. “Riley? Are you there?”
“Don’t you…want kids, Kieran?”
The question lands like a punch to my gut. After all the shit that’s gone down with Cormac and seeing the way Ronan is being eaten alive by the stress of keeping his wife and kids safe, my answer isn’t as simple as yes or no.
But I can’t tell Riley that. I can’t dump my fears on her on top of everything else.
“Eventually. But we’ve got plenty of time to figure all that out.” I do my best to sound casual. “No rush, right?”
“Right.” But there’s something in her tone, something tight, that makes my stomach twist.
“I’ll be home in an hour. Wait up for me?”
“I’ll try.”
Her voice lingers with me long after the line goes dead, and I can’t shake the echo of doubt in her voice when I told her we can figure the whole kids thing out.
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I wonder if she’s feeling a little insecure about our relationship. I mean, she has a good enough reason to if she is.
I haven’t been present at all over the past few days. But I make a silent vow as I speed out of the city that whatever fears and doubts I have, I won’t let them cost me Riley.
