“There’s no living without you,” he says with a shiver. “And that probably sounds toxic and unhealthy, but it’s true. You own my heart, my mind, my fucking soul. You gave me everything. You’ve helped me in ways that months’ worth of therapy haven’t. You’ve made me see myself in a different light. And yes, maybe I rely on you too much, but that’s what mates are for. To rely on each other because we are each other's support systems.”
My eyes flick between his slowly. “Pups?—”
“You see me,” he sobs. “You see me, and that’s all I’ve wanted. And I had to get you back because I can’t do life without you when I know what it’s like to exist with you.”
I wrap my arm around his shoulder and tug him towards me. “I never stopped thinking about you. You know that, right?”
He holds onto me tightly. “I thought about you, too,” he admits into my chest. “Every day. Every second.”
I close my eyes and rest my forehead on the top of his skull. “How have you been?”
Evan shrugs as I brush back his hair from his face. “Trying to cope,” he whispers. “Hoping you’ll come back.”
My eyes drop down to his arms as I gently take his wrist, and slide up the sleeve of his hoodie. I stare down at the self-harm marks that have healed over.
“Did you–”
“Only once,” he says through a shaky voice. “At the start. I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”
I wrap a hand around the back of his neck and press a kiss to his head. “Shh,” I murmur. “It’s okay.”
“I-I lost control for a second, but I haven’t done it again since. I promise.”
“It’s okay,” I reassure him. I wasn’t there for him, and I should have been. To know he was alone and sad. I close my eyes in defeat and blow out a breath. “I’m not angry at you.”
“Some days after that, I wanted to, though. Jaxon had someone watch me twenty-four-seven at the start, and eventually, it was only half a day, then a few hours.”
Relief fills me instantly. They were there to watch over him while I couldn’t.
“I wasn’t really coping at the start,” he confesses. “I was a mess, but then I started to realise if I wanted you back, I had to get my head back on my shoulders and stop playing the victim. Nothing was going to be solved if I continued moping around. For you and for my own sanity.”
I swallow the thickness in my throat, even if I don’t agree with his choices. “I’m so proud of you.”
“For surviving?” he snorts humourlessly.
“For being strong, for getting back on your feet, for knowing your self-worth.”
“I’m not one hundred percent,” he admits. “My meds increased, and adjusting was a little hazy, but it’s still a journey.”
I hum softly. “Do you think you need extra help?”
Evan pauses. “Maybe. I don’t know. Ava suggested going to a clinic if things got bad, and at first, I thought it was a horrible idea. But the more I thought about it, the more I started to realise that it might help me live the rest of my life without guilt riding on my shoulders every five seconds.”
“There’s nothing shameful about it,” I reassure him. “If it’s something you need, then I’ll support you.”
He exhales a sigh. “I’m not ashamed of it. The idea slightly terrifies me, but at the same time, what if it’s the best thing I’ve ever done? I want to stop my self-harm urges, and I want to live a good life, but I can’t when my mind holds me back.”
“You deserve not to feel guilt for what happened to you,” I say softly. “Because it’s not your fault.”
“It’s been a blur, and I don’t know when I’ll come crashing down to planet Earth again. My emotions are up in the air, and it’s not fully sunk in yet that you’re here and you’re okay. I-I thought I lost you for good.” Evan’s mouth begins to tremble.
“Nothing is going to keep us apart, do you hear me?”
He nods, his eyes locked on mine. “I’m sorry for talking about this when you’ve literally gone through hell,” he dismisses himself. “We should be focusing on you.”
I frown. “We’ve both been through hell, and there’s enough space for both of us to talk about our problems, okay? I asked how you were doing because I wanted to know, and I’m glad you told me. Evan, five months ago, would have kept this to himself.”
The corner of his lip twitches. “What a surprise, therapy works by helping me open up and communicate. Evan, five months ago, wouldn’t have believed that either.”
